BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 3rd & 2nd] vs. 7th Ave [btwn Carroll & President]

photo via wallyg

…so the sun came out for a few days last week & got me all hopeful & in the mood for love. This week followed up by bringing the rain & getting me all wet…and not in a good way. Fuck you, rain. But I’m still hopeful & today is Cinco de Mayo, which means we get to drink crap beer & eat guac & act stupid, all in honor of Mexican pride. Some of you will mistakenly celebrate the holiday in honor of Mexican independence, which is actually celebrated on September 16th. Some guy will explain your mistake to you, but you don’t speak Spanish, so you’ll buy him a shot.

In honor of this, we’re going to infuse two blocks—5th Ave from 3rd to 2nd & 7th Ave from Carroll to President—with the spirit of the holiday & pit them in an epic Mexican standoff. One block will meet the girlfriend & a few friends after work at La Taqueria and have a couple of Negra Modelos over dinner. Then they’ll move on to a bar & order a round of Petron shots to celebrate a “successful Q1” and after a few more beers, the block will wander outside & bum a smoke off a guy out front, breaking he & his girlfriend’s “Quit Agreement” and pissing her off in the process, ruining everything for her.

The other block will begin its day with a couple of bong hits at noon, a trip to Taco Bell soon thereafter, a big post-meal Corona & blunt on the stoop, a round of Cuervo shots with its boys at the crib round four (more bong hits), Dos Equis til 7pm & Bam! Out to the bars they go. Guess which block’s getting laid tonight. Cinco de Mayo indeed. Oh wait. There are no Mexican joints on these blocks…let the holiday themed but improperly placed business-wise judging begin!

5th Ave from 3rd St to 2nd St:
The left-hand side of our first block begins with Stone Park Café, a nice looking joint owned by two guys who grew up in the neighborhood. I’ve yet to eat here, but the food, although a bit pricey, sounds friggin’ delicious. If anything, they have a bunch of good beers on tap & you’ll look cool by hanging out here.

After the café, there’s our first realtor of the Block-Off!, Brenton Realty, which allows us to return to our realtor term coined just last week—OOMPR! Out Of My Price Range! Say it with me! Seriously, I can’t afford this shit.

I can’t afford a pet at the moment either (economic downturn & all), but maybe one day I’ll get a pooch or a pussy & need to get some treats or a cage or something next door at Pet Boutique & Supplies…or maybe I’ll make their locale over on 6th Ave my pet boutique of choice. They’ll have to fight for my love! It’ll be just like the Civil War but with pets!

Next up is Alta Voce, the sister locale of Sotto Voce, on 7th Ave. According to their site, they give “you a taste of Italy from the top of the boot down to its soul.” That means that the soul of Italy is Sicily, right? That’s what they’re saying? If so, take that, Naples.

Oh you haven’t heard? I thought everybody’d heard. Anyway, it’s true. Bird is the word & it’s also a boutique with cool signage out front that follows Alta Voce. It’s the original of two locales (since 1999), with a newer locale on Smith St. I was checking out the “Meet the Staff” page on their website. I’ve confirmed, via optical technology, that everyone who works there is amazingly hot. Bonus points for that. Even more bonus points if any of them are up for a drink or seven.

Park Slope Prime Meats comes after Bird. Like I mentioned, the prime meats are next door…I’m sorry. That’s sexist…ain’t gonna get me no dates that way. Maybe I should invest in a mortadella instead.

Who here likes chain Indian restaurants? If you do, Baluchi’s is next door. Since there are thirteen locations all over the city, I’ve eaten at a few of the locales & I can’t complain. It’s pretty standard Indian food & I’ve never gotten tapeworm eating here.

Who here likes Bob Marley? I sure don’t, but every time I pass the last place on this side of the block—Stand Up MRI—I get a little bit of steel drum in my step & the words in my head…Get up, Stand up, Stand Up MRI (Repeat). Haven’t been in myself, but I believe there are no places to sit in the lobby or anywhere for that matter.

Starting off the other side of the block, there’s s’nice lil’ café. It’s the sister locale to one in the West Village, a vegetarian place with yummy snacks & wifi & a patio outside. S’nice enough.

The next business, Pink Nail Spa, is the only salon in this week’s Block-Off!, so although I will probably never ever go here, I commend them for stepping in to fill the salon void on their tiny lil’ stretch of 5th Ave. Pink Nail Spa! Doing your nails & cutting your hair & making differences on your block! They can totally use that if they want.

The block ends with Kleen Machine Laundromat & a couple of APARTMENT BUILDINGS. The laundromat looks pretty huge & all, which is cool…also, way to go with the rhyming name & CRAZEE spelling. Copyright that shit, yo…before it’s too late.

Left-hand side:
Stone Park Café, 324 5th Ave, 718-369-0082
Brenton Realty, 322 5th Ave, 718-768-4566
Pet Boutique & Supplies, 320 5th Ave, 718-832-7600
Alta Voce, 318 5th Ave, 718-369-4899
Bird, 316 5th Ave, 718-768-4940
Park Slope Prime Meats, 312 5th Ave, 718-768-2728
Baluchi’s, 310 5th Ave, 718-832-5555
Stand Up MRI, 308 5th Ave, 718-768-7700

Right-hand side:
s’nice, 315 5th Ave, 718-788-2121
Pink Nail Spa, 313 5th Ave
Kleen Machine Laundromat, 309 5th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDING, 305 5th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDING, 301 5th Ave

Scoring
Bonuses – No Empty Storefronts, One Place With Good Food & Beers, One Hotly Staffed Boutique
Shames – One MRI Place With No Seating

7th Ave from Carroll St to President St:
We start our second block with the Old First Reformed Church [PICTURED ABOVE], which is in a crazy big 100+ year-old Neo-Gothic building that starts on the corner & takes up most of this side of the block. Jesus lives here.

When Jesus needs bagels, he goes next door to the second place winner in the Bagel Off, La Bagel Delight. The love of bagels, after all, is in his blood. I’ve frequented the D.U.M.B.O. location and it’s a little pricey but always pretty tasty,

When Jesus needs mummy wrap or his pharmies, he heads to the next place, Neergard Pharmacy. They’re a neighborhood place with another location over on 5th Ave between 9th & 10th. That one’s closer to my place, so I personally go to that one for all my wheelchair needs.

This side of the block ends with a cursed Citibank. This Cinco de Mayo, please consider banking with Citibank…& by “banking,” I mean “shielding your face from the cameras & relieving yourself in the corner because you left the bar without going to the bathroom.”

On the right-hand corner of 7th and Carroll, there’s Corcoran Group. Their places are amazing…the sort of places you’d want to snort cocaine off the inner thighs of hookers in.

Upstairs from it is Thai Taste. After weeks of getting all high & mighty on Park Slope’s Thai places, I can finally calm down about them now that we’ve reached this block. Thai Taste is my favorite Thai place in all of New York City. It’s not because of the food either, which is pretty good all considering. It’s because I’ve gone here with countless visiting friends & family members, so every time I go back there, it’s like I’m having dinner with you & me & everyone I know.

The next business is another realtor, Warren Lewis. Once again, OOMPR, but they do have a lot of cool angel/gargoyle-looking shit on their website. I like that.

The Park Slope Type & Copy Center comes after it. According to many Yelpers, this place sucks and the people aren’t very helpful. I’m here to perpetuate that rumor. Maybe that’s why the top floor is now closed? Anyway, I guess score one for Kinkos here.

Our next business is the first boutique on the block, Lisa Polansky. It features women’s clothing & children’s dancewear, two items that, by court order, I’m not allowed to wear any more. If you or your breedling aren’t barred by a court order from wearing these items, they have some pretty nice get-ups here.

Next to it is Kiwi, another boutique with women’s clothing. The stuff here is very sophisticated looking, the sort of stuff that would ensure the success of any (thoroughly encouraged) plan to seduce me.

The only photography place on the block, Photofaction, celebrated their 50th Anniversary somewhat recently & although the place looks a bit old, you couldn’t tell their age from the hip club music on their website. They also like to use the words “CUSTOMER” and “SATISFACTION” (on their website).

Maybe you want your apartment to “look cute” and “not creep people out.” Maybe you want it to “smell nice” & “not force people to go out for air.” If so, the next place, Loom has all sorts of stuff for you. It’s a small place with candles & knick-knacks & whatnot, all made with appropriately scented love.

The next business & third realtor on the block is Brooklyn Properties (OOMPR). Since I like to dream sometimes, I’ve done a smidgen of dreaming & a touch of delusional internal reflection & briefly searched their website & have decided to buy this place. It’s on 4th Street…just under two mil. I close in July.

Surprisingly, the next place, a Sprint PCS store, is the only cell phone store in this week’s Block-Off! It just goes to prove that Sprint really wants your business, enough to open up 700 locations in Brooklyn alone.

At the end of the block, there’s a Häagen-Dazs, so you can just eat some ice cream & chill the fuck out. Häagen-Dazs is this hip new Swedish ice cream joint with umlauts & whatnot. Oh wait…it was started in 1961 by Polish immigrants in the Bronx. Not as hip. It’s still cool as ice cream though. Here’s to getting fat there this summer!

Left-hand side:
Old First Reformed Church, 136 7th Avenue, 718-638-8300
La Bagel Delight, 122 7th Ave, 718-398-6997
Neergard Pharmacy, 120 7th Ave, 718-857-1600
Citibank, 114 7th Ave, 718-399-2015

Right-hand side:
Corcoran Group, 127 7th Ave, 718-499-3700
Thai Taste, 125 7th Ave (Upstairs), 718-622-9376
Warren Lewis, 123A 7th Ave, 718-638-6500
Park Slope Type & Copy Center, 123 7th Ave, 718-783-0268
Lisa Polansky, 121 7th Ave, 718-622-8071
Kiwi, 119 7th Ave, 718-622-5551
Photofaction, 117 7th Ave, 718-636-8100
Loom, 115 7th Ave, 718-789-0061
Brooklyn Properties, 113 7th Ave, 718-857-2525
Sprint PCS, 111 7th Ave, 718-638-4040
Häagen-Dazs, 109 7th Ave, 718-398-8004

Scoring
Bonuses – No Empty Storefronts, Une Bagel Delight, One Memory-filled Thai Place
Shames – One Evil Bank, One Lousy Copy Shop, Three OOMPRs

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
5TH AVE FROM 3RD ST TO 2ND ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.