BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 11th & 10th] vs. 7th Ave [btwn 4th & 3rd]

I can’t speak for the rest of us at FIPS, but this week, I finally stopped obsessively listening to Phoenix, the theme of last week’s Block-Off! It’s %@#!& tax week & their music’s a bit too happy for such a time, so I’ve worked them out of the rotation in favor of more appropriate Fugazi & Godspeed You! Black Emperor.

This week, the Block-Off! is going to shun this most shitty, dollar-sucking time of year by ignoring it in favor of the even shittier things that happened on this day in history. Today’s both the day that the Titanic hit an iceberg & Abraham Lincoln was shot. By the 15th, both would be gone. It’ll be fun and uplifting!

We’ll be spreading the historical happiness between 5th and 7th Aves this week, with the blocks on 5th from 11th to 10th and 7th from 4th to 3rd embodying these two tragedies. As 5th Ave takes on the characteristics of a sinking ship & 7th Ave takes on the characteristics of a terribly conflicted man assassinated soon after righting a sinking ship, the orchestra will begin to play & the actors will take the stage & Leonardo DiCaprio & John Wilkes Booth will think they’re being heroic & battle to the death.

In the end, one tragedy will move mountains and heartily win our hearts & tears. The other will get a single shed tear & a $15 Amazon gift certificate. Let the totally tasteful & unfortunately awesome judging begin!

5th Ave from 11th St to 10th St:
The Wreck o’ The Titanic block begins relatively harmlessly with New York Commercial Bank. They’d have to be pretty damn nefarious to best the other neighborhood banks—Bank of America, Chase, Citibank—in terms of evilness. They’re essentially a local bank, so off the bat that scores them some points as far as Park Slope cred. Their logo could use some sprucing up though to bring it into this millennium.

In fact, they could take a hint from their neighbors, Jeans Express, who are pretty into looking totally awesome. I tried to ride the Jeans Express one time (if you know what I’m saying) and was asked to leave & never, ever return. True story. Give it a shot some time.

After you’re done trying to ride the Jeans Express, you should probably stop next door at Garry Jeweler and pick up a little something for the wife. After all, you’ll have lots a splainin’ to do about the “Jeans Express Incident” once you get home.

The next business is a Payless Shoe Source. I love Payless. For years, they provided me with the shiny black shoes that allowed both I & others to believe that I was an actual, real live salesperson and help me stylishly climb the corporate ladder.

Rite Aid takes up the rest of the block. As much as big chains like Rite Aid dominate the neighborhood pharmacies, I can’t hate on this place because it’s where I brought my guvmn’t coupon and got me a digital converter for my ol’ rabbit ears, so I can still watch my episodes of Two and a Half Men. Plus there’s always somebody out front selling one random thing or another from a cart. That’s pretty cool.

The right-hand side begins with a quick stop at the Quick Stop. Pick up some chips or something but hurry up, because, in keeping with the theme, um…this ship’s sinking fast.

After our quick stop, we come to Prospect Wireless, or as I like to refer to it, Neighborhood Wireless Store #7453. I’ve decided I’m going to try to get Mayor Bloomy to pass a bill—let’s call it Wireless Bill #7453—through which they set up sort of limit on wireless stores. They do it for street vendors & subway performers & taxis & liquor licenses, so why not for wireless stores? We can convince him that it’s bad for our health or something & he’ll jump all over that crap. I know I’m a hippie socialist, but I’m just saying.

Kinara Indian Restaurant follows it. I’d have to say that it’s my favorite Indian restaurant in the neighborhood, but I can’t do so without telling a little story. A few years back, I was working for NY Press, doing a combination of ad sales & music writing and was trying to get some advertising love out in the BK around the time when Kinara opened up, so I went there, tried the food, chatted the owner up, came back a few times, had our art department draft up a few sample color ads…but they never did advertise in NY Press, even as the businesses around them did.

What they did instead was take the spec ad we made for them & hang it up in the window like we were their friggin’ for free design agency. The best part—it is still in the window today, some four years later. It has been colored over in markers & some lines in the ad have been crossed out and replaced with others but still, my legacy continues.

Sun Bo Bo Chinese is the only greasy Chinese food joint on this block. I know Bo (Bo) and let’s just say that they ain’t hitting any long homers or breaking away for an eighty-yard touchdown all that often like Mr. Jackson once did.

If this were Bushwick or the East Village, the next place on the block, Laundromat Dry Cleaning, would be a totally rad place to put on your tight jeans & go hang out & play video games & drink PBRs. Instead, it’s just a place to wash your tight jeans.

Next is Peppinos, which is wedged between the decidedly unhipster laundromat and an EMPTY STOREFRONT that used to be Conchita’s Bakery. I’ve heard the place has damn good Italian food, but I’m Irish, so I only eat potatoes & corned beef & cabbage, so I wouldn’t know.

Conchita’s might be boarded up, but it’s GRAND OPENING time next door at Amazing Savings 99 Cent and Up! Shit man, it’s a recession & tax time & you’ve got to pay the piper, but you’ve got to eat, so here’s what you do…you make a $10 investment in The 99 Cent Only Stores Cookbook and you call a few friends over, because it’s Sloppy Joe night & Joe broke into the 99 cent wine round noon, so he’s getting extra sloppy tonight with recipes furnished solely by 99 cent stores…amazing savings!

While you’re out, you’d better stop next door at Blanca Unisex and get your hair done with all that money you saved on food. Girl, you gotta look good when you’re serving up Sloppy Joes. You feel me?

MCS Wireless is after Blanca. Their name sort of reminds me of that Detroit rock group from the cusp of the seventies, MC5. Then “Kick Out the Jams” takes over my head and I forget that the store even exists.

This block ends with a perfectly good corner spot that’s occupied by an EMPTY STOREFRONT. Won’t some plucky entrepreneur please step up to the plate and open up a desperately needed 24-hour salon or wireless store here? Summer’s coming & I gotta get my nails did & my prepaids son and Blanca & MCS ain’t always open.

Left-hand side:
New York Commercial Bank, 478 5th Ave, 718-788-1558
Jeans Express, 476 5th Ave, 718-840-0400
Garry Jeweler, 474 5th Ave, 718-788-8632
Payless Shoe Source, 472 5th Ave, 718-788-8619
Rite Aid, 468 5th Ave, 718-499-7500

Right-hand side:
Quick Stop, 475 5th Ave
Prospect Wireless, 475 5th Ave, 718-788-7802
Kinara Indian Restaurant, 473 5th Ave, 718-499-3777
Sun Bo Bo Chinese, 471A 5th Ave, 718-768-7748
Laundromat Dry Cleaning, 471 5th Ave
Peppinos, 469 5th Ave, 718-768-7244
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 467 5th Ave
Amazing Savings 99 Cent and Up, 465 5th Ave
Blanca Unisex, 463A 5th Ave, 718-768-5906
MCS Wireless, 463 5th Ave, 718-499-1780
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 461 5th Ave

Scoring
Bonuses – One Shiny Black Shoe Provider, One TV Helper, One Signage Legacy
Shames – Two Empty Storefronts, Two Cell Phone Places

7th Avenue from 4th St to 3rd St:
The block representing the fall of Honest Abe begins with Lion In The Sun, a paperie. I’m a sucker for paper stores. I love going into them and picking up canaries & ivories and imagining how they would look with my manifesto printed on them. I’m definitely going to ask this place to hang a copy up in the window when I finally finish it.

Seriously, why are some laundromats the dreariest places on earth, the sort of dark places you’d duck into to hide from the monster in Cloverfield? Next door is A & P Laundromat, which takes whatever solar energy Lion In The Sun gives off & stomps on it like that aforementioned monster.

Hopefully the monster stomps on the place next door instead—Cel Tel. No reason, really. I’m just sick of seeing so many damn cell phone places.

Since monsters love chocolate, it obviously won’t step on the next business, Cocoa Bar, especially since the place has chocolate & jazz. If you don’t like that, maybe you are the monster, my friend.

I’ve been meaning to try Tofu on 7th for quite some time now. The place has an unassuming outside, but a cute interior and Chinese food that promises to be healthier than your usual Slope Chinese. I suppose I just prefer my Chinese to be lard-covered & of mysterious origins.

The healthiness continues next door with the tastiness of Mr. Falafel. I used to work with a guy who won the Mr. Falafel competition up at UVM his senior year. He was also a whiz at Hacky Sack.

At the end of the left-hand side of the block is Miracle Grill. It’s the Brooklyn version of the now-defunct East Village original and has an open patio that should be a sweet locale for people watching if winter ever goes the fuck away. Don’t be fooled. Even though they serve a good brunch, no actual miracles are performed here.

The right-hand side begins with Sotto Voce, another Italian restaurant with a brickish interior. I don’t want to speak under my breath about this place, but I’ve heard mixed reviews.

It’s followed by The Park Slope Barber. I came across this 2007 article from The Brooklyn Paper, which tells about how they gave away holiday shots of whiskey to customers. That’s hardcore. Also, there’s sign in the window denotes that it’s been around since 1906. That’s wicked old.

Just after it is City Casuals, a women’s clothing store. Even though the name screams “sweatpants,” it’s much more than that. They have other non-sweat focused women’s clothing & shoes & whatnot as well.

If you were to believe that the next store was the embodiment of its name, there’d be all sorts of puppies & breedlings & lesbians & people with money in there 24/7. Instead, Living On 7th has all sorts of fancy stuff you can enjoy whilst hiding away from all the things that supposedly make living on 7th so awesome.

Park Slope Seafood follows it. The other day, I was strolling throughout the hood and my stomach called out to me, “those dumplings back home need sauce & will suck without it,” so I decided to stop in here and try my luck. When I first got in the door, there was a group of teenagers just inside it.

I waded through them to get into the store & started searching for sauce on the shelves furthest away from them, as not to disturb them. Eventually, I had searched all the shelves and had found no dumpling sauce & had to crowd back through the teens to exit the store. Anyway, I had consumed way too much coffee that morning & it was very stressful for some reason.

It was so stressful that I had to go next door to Brooklyn Properties and lift my spirits by looking at a shit ton of places that I will soon be looking into purchasing once my plan to seduce a wealthy heiress comes to fruition. Any suggestions on a fortune I should con my way into? Perhaps I should look into something in the world of berries or human trafficking?

Ooh! There’s another cell phone store next door! Compucell! That means each block this week is representing the world of communications technology hard, with two cell phone stores each. This also means that they cancel one another out…& all our brains are charred from overexposure to mind-toasting cell phone rays.

Abe’s block ends with a little Southern Italian place, Sette. I haven’t eaten there yet, but late last night, with the moon high in the sky, I went to their website, cranked up the volume & let the tragic sound of their background music engulf my soul.

Left-hand side:
Lion In The Sun, 232 7th Ave, 718-369-4006
A & P Laundromat, 230 7th Ave
Cel Tel, 228 7th Ave, 718-369-6969
Cocoa Bar, 228 7th Ave, 718-499-4080
Tofu on 7th, 226 7th Ave, 718-768-5273
Mr. Falafel, 226 7th Ave, 718-768-4961
Miracle Grill, 222 7th Ave, 718-369-4541

Right-hand side:
Sotto Voce, 225 7th Ave, 718-369-9322
The Park Slope Barber, 223 7th Ave
City Casuals, 221 7th Ave, 718-499-5581
Living On 7th, 219 7th Ave, 718-788-1651
Park Slope Seafood, 217 7th Ave, 718-832-7638
Brooklyn Properties, 213 7th Ave, 718-788-3888
Compucell, 211 7th Ave, 718-768-9200
Sette, 207 7th Ave, 718-499-7767

Scoring
Bonuses – No Empty Storefronts, One Paper Store, One Wicked Old Booze Swillin’ Barber, One Falafel Joint
Shames – Two Cell Phone Places, One Scary Laundromat

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
7TH AVE FROM 4TH ST TO 3RD ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.

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