BLOCK-OFF! 4th Ave [from Union to Baltic] vs. 8th Ave [from 15th to 12th & 11th to 9th]

Holy shitballs it’s hot outside. It’s hot inside. It was in the nineties yesterday & could hit that again today. Awesome. Let’s celebrate. You don’t necessarily have to celebrate the heat though. You can celebrate Hulk Hogan’s 56th birthday. You can celebrate Ben Gibbard’s 33rd. You can celebrate the 18th anniversary of the founding of Al Qaeda. You can celebrate Joe Rogan’s 43rd birthday by claming that 9/11 was a conspiracy…or you can just Celebrate Brooklyn! by hanging outside the periphery of the Prospect Park Bandshell & avoiding the ticket price while listening to TV on the Radio. While you’re busy celebrating, Saturn’s rings will be disappearing.

In honor of all this mid-August celebration, we’re reaching to the far corners of Park Slope (a fact that I did not take into consideration re: walking when making the pairing) for this week’s Block-Off! We’ll be featuring another of our tag team-style competitions, with 4th Ave between Union & Baltic going up against 8th Ave from 15th to 9th. Since we already covered the area between 12th & 11th about a month back, we’ll just skip over that part of 8th in our journey & continue with the blocks from 11th to 9th. You’ll probably be too busy celebrating & high on goofballs to notice anyhow.

Since this week’s sections of 4th Ave & 8th Ave are on exact opposite corners of the Slope, it’ll be all faraway combat, sort of like a Block-Off! version of the impending war with North Korea, a war that I’ve come to believe we can only prevent by sending them Bill Clinton once a year for an updated portrait. As the groups of blocks push & shove each other, eventually one’s going to end up getting pushed off the edge of Park Slope all Return of the Jedi emperor style & we’ll all learn the true meaning of Christmas. Then we’ll celebrate Ewok-style, people! It’ll be Endoriffic! Let the drainingly hot, drone-involved, furry wood-creature influenced judging begin!

4th Ave from Union St to Baltic St:
Starting at Union, our first group of blocks features not one but two gas stations. Those who find themselves in this stretch should feel blessed…blessed with gas. Plus, if those little toy gas trucks that they have around Christmas aren’t your bag of tea, you can just drive on past the first one on the left—Hess Gas—and still fill all your petroleum-sucking needs.

The next block begins with an EMPTY STOREFRONT that’s followed by Chips (Christian Help in Park Slope), which provides 70K meals & temporary shelter to 2K folks a year. They’ve been at it since 1972, years before the California Highway Patrol was even a twinkle in Erik Estrada’s eye. That’s a long ass time, folks.

There’s an APARTMENT BUILDING between Chips and our next business, Danken Auto Supply. Are you tired of paying too much for windshield wipers & seat covers & um…rack & pinion steering? Check it. The Dank has auto supplies & most importantly, ones of the discount variety. Those are the best kind! After the Dank, the rest of the block is nothing but a WEIRD UNDEFINABLE BUILDING & an EMPTY STOREFRONT.

Once we cross Degraw, the next storefront is home to Diaspora, a community service organization that originally started back in 1981 as the “Haitian Women’s Program.” A little history lesson: 1981 was a pretty shit time to be in Haiti. Baby Doc Duvalier was in his tenth year of oppressive rule, continuing after fourteen years of rule by his father. There were death squads, high rates of HIV & folks fleeing by the boatload for the U.S. Park Slope definitely wasn’t what it is today, but it was no Haiti. Anyway, these Diaspora folks apparently do a lot of good work, especially with families dealing with HIV.

Next door to it is R.T. Glass & Windows. If some careless kid breaks your window with his ball, you should probably give them a call, but only after the kid sings opera & comes to an epiphany & joins the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints before eventually joining the cast of Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Before we get to our next block, we get to the second gas station on this part of 4th, BP Gas. As their slogan notes, they’re moving “beyond petroleum.” Hopefully they’re also moving beyond deadly explosions & human rights abuses & partnership with South American terrorist activity.

On the other side of Douglass is Ponce Funeral Home. It’s not your most glamorous funeral home, but it’d probably do the trick. I hope British chaps don’t own it, because if it is British-owned, it’s totally a funeral home for pimps. Regardless, it’s the only business on the block, as it’s followed by an APARTMENT BUILDING, a VACANT LOT & Deli in the Slope, which is technically on Butler despite the fact that their awning displays a weird hybrid of the correct street number (336) & the incorrect street name (4th Ave). That shit’s outside of the Slope, sucka.

Luna's Tire Shop leads off the last block on this side of the street. They’ll sell you the moon in new & used tires. That’s how ignorant I am about cars these days. I had no idea you could actually sell used tires, but I guess it makes sense, as long as they don’t have 100,000 miles on them or a puncture wound. Anyway, that’s what I learned today.

After a few APARTMENT BUILDINGS, the last business before we hit Baltic & technically leave Park Slope is Papa John’s Pizza. They’re forever stuck in my head as the pizza I used to get in Boston when they were first introduced to Beantown back in the 90s. I’d been going through a few years of hard Domino’s use & they really took hold for a bit there. It’s better than Domino’s, but seriously, you’re in New York. If you’re ordering Papa John’s, you’re lame. Please, just keep walking past it & past the APARTMENT BUILDING & off the face of the Park Slope universe.

You’d think that by looking at the right-hand side of 4th starting at Union that the first two businesses would be Brownstone Bagel & Bread Co. and Maria's Mexican Bistro. However, if you did in fact think that, you’d be a fool. Both have entrances on Union, which is really too bad, because this stretch could really use their contributions…too bad. It’s also too bad that there’s a VACANT LOT on 4th next to Maria’s.

The first actual business on this side is J-E Tire Shop Flat Fix. Has a jealous lover and/or neighborhood kid taken a switchblade to your Volvo’s whitewalls? These dudes can probably take care of you…& take care of that knife-wielding “problem” of yours, if you know what I mean.

I wouldn’t suggest dumping the body in the VACANT LOT next door nor the one before it…too obvious. It’s right next to a bunch of APARTMENT BUILDINGS and somebody’s bound to notice. Plus, there’s a Chinese joint—Lin's Garden—right after the apartments. It’s not really a sit down place, so people are in & out of there. That’s no good.

Where the fuck can you hide the body? Fuck fuck fuck! Calm down, kid. Go next door to Lin’s, sit down at Zu Zu Ramen & have yourself some noodles & broth & relax. Maybe get a cup of tea to calm your nerves, read the Post.

When you’re done with Zu Zu, slowly get up from the table, leave a sizable tip, but not something so sizable that it’ll attract attention, exit the restaurant & when nobody’s looking, carefully dump the body in the VACANT LOT on the other side of Degraw. Seriously though, please nobody dump a body in there. I enjoy this Block-Off! gig, but I don’t want to go to jail for it.

By golly gee you’d better believe that you’re in good hands with our next business, Allstate Insurance. That is, as long as you ignore the American Association for Justice’s ranking of Allstate as “the worst insurer for consumers.”

After Allstate, there are a string of APARTMENT BUILDINGS with an Unnamed Laundromat in the middle of them. I suppose I could’ve gone in & been all “hey, what do you call yourself?” but I don’t have that kind of time for a ho-hum laundromat. I’m a busy man, people, a mover & shaker…so ”Unnamed Laundromat.”

Just before the end of the block, there are Medical Offices that offer family medical care, dental, physical therapy, stuff like that…stuff that I could read off of the sign out front.

As we reach Douglass, there’s Ghenet Ethiopian Restaurant & you know what, it’s actually on Douglass. Too bad 4th Ave, you could’ve used that too. Love me some injera. Luckily, on the other side of Douglass, there’s an Australian joint—Sheep Station—which is sort of like Ethiopian without all the mushy pastes & juxtaposition to all the starving children ads you saw growing up. It’s a good thing that they don’t serve kangaroo, because apparently the city’s cracking down on kangaroo meat. Just ask Soho’s Eight Mile Creek. Holy crap! Sheep Station has poutine on the menu! I’ll see you soon, sheep people.

There are APARTMENT BUILDINGS after Sheep Station and continuing north, the last block on Park Slope’s 4th Ave is home to the PS 133 Playground. Peeps got a basketball court & everything. I could probably school one or two of those kids. I’m talking a thunderstorm of threes & dunks & cheap fouls. Baller?

Left-hand side:
Hess Gas, 204 4th Ave, 718-625-7904
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 200 4th Ave
Chips (Christian Help in Park Slope), 200 4th Ave, 718-237-2962
APARTMENT BUILDING, 200A 4th Ave
Danken Auto Supply, 196 4th Ave, 718-797-9000
WEIRD UNDEFINABLE BUILDING, 190 4th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 184 4th Ave
Diaspora, 164B 4th Ave, 718-399-0200
R.T. Glass & Windows, 164 4th Ave, 718-643-0702
BP Gas, 164 4th Ave, 718-222-4501
Ponce Funeral Home, 162 4th Ave, 718-403-0965
APARTMENT BUILDING, 160 4th Ave
VACANT LOT, 150 4th Ave
Luna's Tire Shop, 144 4th Ave, 718-403-9769
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 140-144 4th Ave
Papa John’s Pizza, 138 4th Ave, 718-852-7272
APARTMENT BUILDING, 126 4th Ave

Right-hand side:
VACANT LOT
J-E Tire Shop Flat Fix
VACANT LOT
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 177-185 4th Ave
Lin's Garden, 175 4th Ave, 718-399-1666
Zu Zu Ramen, 173 4th Ave, 718-398-ZUZU
VACANT LOT
All State Insurance, 167 4th Ave, 718-230-5570
APARTMENT BUILDING, 165 4th Ave
Unnamed Laundromat, 157 4th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 155-161 4th Ave
Medical Offices, 153 4th Ave, 718-230-5811
Sheep Station, 149 4th Ave, 718-857-4337
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 143-147 4th Ave
PS 133 Playground

Scoring
Bonuses – Two Community Organizations, A Vacant Lot to Dump the Body In, Poutine!
Shames – Two Empty Storefronts, Two Vacant Lots Unfit For Dumping Bodies In, The Worst Insurer for Consumers

8th Ave from 15th St to 12th St & 11th St to 9th St:
As we head over to 8th, the second group of blocks begins on the left at 15th with the Park Slope Veterans’ Center [PICTURED ABOVE]. It’s housed in an armory that spans from 15th to 14th & from 8th all the way down to 7th. If there’s ever one of those sweet Hollywood tsunamis that wipes out everything west of 5th, this is where I’m fleeing to.

The Park Slope Jewish Center is on the corner after 14th. I’d make a joke about this place, but I’m not Jewish & I don’t want to risk being boycotted, so I’ll just say that it’s a Monday night & I’m getting drunk off HE’BREW Messiah Bold while I write this. L’Chaim!

There are a few APARTMENT BUILDINGS between the Jewish Center and our next stop, Indigo Studio. They offer Pilates & yoga & whatnot and have been doing so for a few years now. I encourage all ladies to go here. I’ve seen a few solid yoga butts this summer, but could do with a few more.

The last business before 13th St is Provini, an Italian restaurant from the same folks who own Bar Toto & Bar Tano. It just opened a few days back, so if you try it out now & it’s good, you’ll get to be one of those obnoxious people who is all “I’ve been going here since it first opened.”

Across 13th, there are Medical Offices that are home to Asam Malik, whose practice includes colon & rectal therapy and Nadeem Chaudry, whose talents include plastic surgery. Oh the conversations those two must have over dinner.

Midway amongst a row of APARTMENT BUILDINGS that runs almost to the end of the block, there’s Kumon, which is a branch of a school that’s apparently the world’s largest mathematics & language education system. It’s in forty-four countries & works from the basic principle of “Math. Reading. Success.” Anyway, they can totally unlock your breedling’s potential & shit if you have one that has any to begin with.

Aw shit! I’m taking you people to the cleaners! 8th Green Cleaners, that is, or as their logo refers to them…8GC. They should definitely drop the “8th Green Cleaners” thing & go with 8GC. It sounds all mysterious & you’d be all like “is it a boy band or a psychotropic drug or a Chevy truck? I don’t know, but they clean my clothes & shit.” FYI—The correct answer would actually be “boy band driving a Chevy truck on psychotropic drugs.” Think Joey Fatone.

If you’re listening to this as a fictional podcast as you walk down 8th Ave, take a breather. Flip the tape over. As I mentioned, we’ve already covered the area from 12th to 11th, so just walk on by Johnny D’s and 12th St Bar & Grill & when you get to 11th, cross it. Crystal Clean will be on the other side. I want you to go inside, give them your laundry & hope for the best.

You’ve got money to invest? Well bully for you. You should talk to the folks at our next business, Walnut Investment Services. They can help you with financial planning & investment advice and as their name seems to suggest, they’re nuts about investments, which is usually a good thing.

The third laundromat in the now-dubbed “8th Ave Cleaners Row” is Art Cleaners, located next to the church. Maybe they can team up & do something about that naughty naughty Andres Serrano…Just a thought, although from what I know, Presbyterians tend to be more laid back than that.

That Presbyterian church, on the left-hand side just before 10th, is the Church of Gethsemane, a church whose sign out front promises an environment that is “Welcoming,” “Diverse” & “Inclusive.” I guess that sounds cool. When my parents first moved us to New Hampshire back when I was five, they sent me to a summer's worth of weekend classes at the Presbyterian church in town. Not sure why, because we’re Roman Catholic. Regardless, now I’m a heathen, so it's all moot. So Presbyterians. They have a church on 8th.

Once you get past the church, there are no more storefronts on this side of the street. There are a few APARTMENT BUILDINGS & garages and there’s the space occupied by Maggie Carpenter, MD, but that’s actually on 9th St somehow. I believe it’s accessible via a first floor window.

So…back to 15th St. Across from the Park Slope Veteran’s Center, there’s Royal Supermarket. It’s like the sort of supermarket that royalty like Prince Akeem would shop at.

The rest of the block is taken up by APARTMENT BUILDINGS & something behind a fence.

The next block is home to Public School 107, or as it’s also known, the “John W. Kimball Learning Center.” According to the website, kids from the school are going to a Mets-Nationals game on September 20th. Too bad the Mets’ season has been over for weeks.

On the corner of the next block there’s Wash & Dry, a laundromat that’d be completely forgettable if it wasn’t for the letters that make up their name, letters that are slightly reminiscent of the Welcome to Las Vegas sign. Still, it’s a boring start to a block that features it, a row of APARTMENT BUILDINGS & a market.

There are markets on opposite sides of the 12th-11th block that we’re skipping & since that block doesn’t even exist for the cases of our competition, that means that 12th Street Market is totally right across the street from 11th Street Deli Market. Market battle! In comparison, they both have a good selection of organic & gourmet foodstuffs, but in my book, 12th Street wins by a nose. There’s just something slightly more aesthetically pleasing about it. Plus you can say their name quicker.

After 11th St Market, there are more APARTMENT BUILDINGS all the way to 10th St. The last business on this side of the street is the Soul Shine Family Wellness Center. According to their website, the place “practices network spinal analysis as a means to providing you with a higher quality life! Your decision to participate in a wellness model (as opposed to a sickness and disease model) is an important step in achieving your health goals.” Hmm…so they help with spine & back pain. I wonder if my incessant smoking & drinking is considered a “sickness and disease model.” Probably, so I guess that means I can’t go here if I’ve fucked up my back by walking so much for this week's Block-Off!…1.7 miles!.

Oh well. I just walked on by anyhow. I walked on by it & continued past an APARTMENT BUILDING & garage, headed on down into the 8th Ave entrance of the 7th Ave subway stop & rode that train far far away, one stop north to 4th-9th & one stop south to Prospect Ave. From there, I crawled the rest of the way home. Oh lovely, achy, sweaty summer body.

Left-hand side:
Park Slope Veterans’ Center, 1402 8th Ave, 718-499-0969
Park Slope Jewish Center, 1320 8th Ave, 718-768-1453
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 1308-1312 8th Ave
Indigo Studio, 1304 8th Ave, 718-832-3464
Provini, 1302 8th Ave
Medical Offices, 1224 8th Ave, 718-788-5588
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 1214-1222 8th Ave
Kumon, 1214 8th Ave, 718-788-6284
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 1206-1212 8th Ave
8th Green Cleaners, 1202 8th Ave, 718-788-5133
Crystal Clean, 1020 8th Ave, 718-369-1511
Harvey M. Kraus, 1020 8th Ave, 718-788-1972
Art Cleaners, 1016 8th Ave, 718-965-0089
Church of Gethsemane, 1012 8th Ave, 718-499-6704
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 914-922 8th Ave

Right-hand side:
Royal Supermarket, 1419 8th Ave, 718-832-0395
APARTMENT BUILDING, 1419 8th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDING, 1405 8th Ave
Public School 107, 1301 8th Ave, 718-330-9340
Wash & Dry, 12-something 8th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 1203-1213 8th Ave
12th Street Market, 1201 8th Ave, 718-832-7796
11th Street Deli Market, 1021 8th Ave, 718-499-6063
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 1013-1019 8th Ave
Soul Shine Family Wellness Center, 917 8th Ave, 718-832-7390
APARTMENT BUILDING, 911 8th Ave

Scoring
Bonuses – No Empty Storefronts, Two Pretty Good Markets, Religion
Shames – Religion, Almost 25% Cleaner-Related Businesses

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
4TH AVE FROM UNION ST TO BALTIC ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.