Beat the Snow Day Blues: How to Have an In-Office Snow Day

If I were still in college, a typical snow day would involve an early-morning trip to the liquor store, drunk sledding, spiked hot chocolate, and laying in the snow until one of my roommates was forced to drag me inside of our apartment, so I wouldn't freeze to death like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.  

Case in point:

Yes, that's me, lying in the snow, drunk, and enjoying life, way back in the winter of 2007.

But now that I'm trapped in jail all day (i.e: the office), even though all you BREEDERS get the day off so you can watch movies while wearing Snuggies or go sledding with your children or something fun that doesn't involve spreadsheets and invoices, I've decided that I'm still going to enjoy this snow day, even if I am still trapped in my cubicle.  You can try it too!

1. Play in the snow: The way the snow is coming down and the wind is blowing like a hooker at a bachelor party, if you open up the window in the conference room, you're going to have a bonafide snow room by lunchtime.  You can build a snowman!  Decorate him with office supplies and make him look like your boss.  You won't get in trouble, because your boss isn't here today, and by the time s/he shows up, the evidence will have melted.

2. Go sledding:  Have a staircase? A screwdriver?  Good.  Take all of your absentee BREEDER co-workers' office doors off the hinges and use those as sleds.  And hey, don't even put the doors back on the hinges when you're done.  Those BREEDERS won't know what hit them when they get back to the office.  That "open door policy" they're always harping about?  Well, now it's legit.

3. Inter-office Singalongs!: "Let it Snow!," "Frosty the Snowman," whatever—turn your speakers up to full volume and blast that shit on repeat.  Encourage everyone to sing along.  Try to assemble a carrolling group, where you go to different departments wearing your scarves and hats.  Even if it doesn't catch on, it'll annoy everyone around you, especially around the 15th rendition of "Frosty."

4. Snowball fight!: Take snow from the snow/conference room (see #1) and assemble an arsenal of snowballs.  If you're feeling especially active, you can take the snowballs on the road, and actually go up to people's desks.  Act like you're going to ask them a question about a "report" or something equally lame, and just as they turn away from Gawker or Perez Hilton or whatever bullshit they're reading to answer you, throw a snowball in their face and run away.  If you're lazy, keep your snowballs under your desk.  Whenever anyone comes up to ask you something, say, "Yeah, I can answer that..." act like you're rummaging underneath your desk for something, and then throw the snowball directly into their face.  They'll never ask you for anything again.  If you didn't assemble your snow/conference room, just grab all of the ice from the freezer and walk up behind someone and dump it on them.  Scream, "YOU'VE BEEN ICICLED, BITCH!" and run away.   

5. Get drunk: If you really don't care anymore, trek out to the liquor store and buy some Bailey's or peppermint schnappes.  Does your office provide hot chocolate?  MINE DOES.  Spike that shit.  Everyone will be like, "Why is [your name here] so happy?  She's usually so angry and making threats about suicide. Now she's building a snowman in the conference room and singing snow songs."  You'll either get promoted or fired.

Happy snow day!