Barclays Center Tries to Redeem Awful Self By Hiring Brooklynite as New Spokesman

The Barclays Center has chosen its new spokesperson!

According to the Brooklyn Paper, a man by the name of David Diamante got the gig. He’s a Brooklynite, owns a cigar bar in Fort Greene, and seems like an all around cool guy who not only has a strong voice that's perfect for spokesperson-ing, but is also quite the philanthropist. And would you just look at that picture? It’s almost as if he’s laughing into the microphone. Makes me want to giggle with joy.

Now that the facts are out of the way and you know who will be introducing The Nets, Jay-Z and Andrea Boccelli, I’ve included below the exact process of how the Barclays Center peeps chose Diamante, based on nothing but what my mind fabricated once I heard the news.

SCENE: Conference Room

AGENDA: Find the perfect Barclays Center Spokesperson

Barclay’s Center Supporter #1: We need someone with a presence, a booming voice that will make everyone who’s against us forget that they hate the Barclay’s Center.

Barclay’s Center Supporter #2: Well, we’ve been through a lot of auditions and no one has seemed quite right yet.

Barclay’s Center Supporter #3: Like Goldilocks and the porridge?

BCS #2: Exactly.

BCS #1: OK, let’s think. What’s the first kind of person you think of when you think of Brooklyn?

BCS #2 & 3 (simultaneously): Hipsters.

BCS #1: Right. But a hipster would probably be too obvious, so we’d need someone laid back enough and cool enough that isn’t a hipster but would appeal to hipsters. Hipster. Hip. Hop. Hoppie…

BCS #2: Hippo…Hoopty…

BCS #3: Hoopy...Hippie...

BCS #1: That’s it! We’ll need someone with dreads. Dreads SCREAM laid back, non-threatening, “good neighbor,” if you will. Maybe they like smoking too…cigars or something; cigars are much cooler than cigarettes...very James Spader in Boston Legal.

BCS #2: I’ve got just the guy to bring in for an audition: David Diamante.

BCS #3: Alliteration in his name, too. I like it.

BCS #1: SO excited!

SCENE: Audition room

David Diamante walks into the room. The Barclays Center team all look at each other grinning, pleased with what they’ve just seen.

BCS #1, 2 & 3 (simultaneously while high-fiving): Shizam!