Are You the Ugly Douche? The Sick Dog Lady Has a Message 4U [MISSED CONNECTIONS]

Photo by Elliott Erwitt

I have like, no clue in holy hell what any of this is supposed to mean, but I'm dying to find out if any of you are the Ugly Douche or the Sick Dog Lady, 'cause I want more of this story:

You: Ugly douche courting dopey woman at Union & 6th - w4m - 30 (Park Slope)

Me: Long-time resident walking a sick and nervous dog.

Living creatures longing to hear you scream, sing and expound during your interminable stroll along a very quiet, residential block after 11:30: none. Thus, the request to shut up.

Don't worry: we heard you breathlessly shout to your paramour that I was a "C...you know, C-U-Next-Tuesday!" Goodness! I didn't recognize that I was being heckled by the lovely Charlotte from "Sex And The City." I would've come closer to tell you that you are a cockslap - the literal sound of palm on half-erect penis - and that you have cankles. (Oh: and that you're a total dumb cunt.) 

Is "long-time resident" code for "Has controlling share of the Food Coop Military" or equivalent? Should the Douche get extra points for learning to sound out his words? And am I the only one who's never before heard, let alone used, the word "cockslap?"

I think my work is done here.