ANYONE GOT A JEW DUDE I CAN BORROW?

Thankfully, no one appears to have been inspired by the supremely uncool Kill Jews strips of paper discovered on 6th Ave. last week. Park Slope Jews seem to be alive and well!

Given that’s the case, anyone got a decent one for my downstairs neighbor?

She’s early 30s, good-lookin’, smart, professional—and very cool. We like having her around, but if she doesn’t find a decent Jew boy she might move away. Not to Israel or anything, which would probably increase her odds and all, but the simple fact is: we’d like to keep her in Park Slope. I don’t think she’ll go for Hasids; I doubt she digs the furry hats. I think she eats bacon, too, but for some reason she still wants a Jew boy.

Anyway, if you’re a decent dude who happens to have a rough idea about when not to eat leavened bread, could you please have sex with my neighbor for like 5 or 10 years? She—and we—would greatly appreciate it. She might even be into some freaky shit...I just get that vibe from her.

This raises a semi-non-interesting question I never thought about: Is it difficult for Park Slope Jew girls to find Jew boys? For Jew boys to find Jew girls? For Jew girls to find Jew girls? Jew boys to find Jew boys?

Oh fuck it, who cares about the bigger picture. Someone just send over a Jew boy already and start shaggin’ my neighbor (Oh, and must love dogs…with equally big noses).

ed note: UHM, HELLO!!? You need to get her ass to the next v-day Meatup...which is next Thursday, 2/11. In fact, I'm so sure she'll find a kick-ass Jew boy there, I'm willing to give the first 3 Heeb dudes who leave a comment below a free ticket! Let's make it rain, ppl.