Ah, fuck me; I think I may have just *killed* this wetback prick.
Union Market Operations Manager | Monday, March 2, 2009 at 10:00AM 
Ed note: This is the first column in our new Park Slope Voices feature – it's where we allow individuals that we consider to be prominent fixtures of our neighborhood to reach out directly to the FIPS community. This first post comes from Len Capricio, the somewhat temperamental (no offense, Len) Operations Manager of Park Slope's Union Market.
Ah, christ.
So today I'm standin there behind the counter by the faukin rotisserie chickens – I'm shootin the shit with Eddie while he runs back n forth gettin the yuppies their chop liver an faukin mango salad.
So we're lookin at the broads on the checkout lines - I'm tellin Eddie about how I'd like to put their little brats in front of the TV - let 'em watch Cookie Monster for a few minutes while I play hide the salami with their mommies in the back.
These rich stuck-up bitches are unbelievable - asking me if our cashews are "chokeable?" - Dunno about that, lady, but ya can always go down and choke on the end of my DICK!
So all of the sudden, I'm faukin standin there with Eddie – and one of these broads comes up to me like I just fucked her sister and squawks, "$5.95 now for your organic eggs??!"
I says "what are you talking about lady? - it's $4.95 for Organic Valley - right back there in the dairy section."
"Don't call me LADY," this bitch says to me, like I just called her a CUNT. (OK, you're a CUNT, I shoulda says.)
"LOOK!" she says, and she shows me a box of eggs - sure enough it had a pricecount on it that said $5.95.
"Ah shit - that's wrong," I says. "Do they all say $5.95? I'm sorry lady, the kid must have fauked it all up again."
So I'm admitting it's our bad – I'm admitting it! But still she says, I swear to christ, she says:
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't curse in my ear."
Faukin cunt - you baleevat shit? I shoulda popped HER in the faukin mouth, lemme tell ya right?
So I take the eggs and I go back to the dairy section and sure enough - that little mexican wetback prick is runnin around like a faukin retard. He's slappin the wrong fuckin prices all over the place - the eggs, the organic milk, yobaby yogurt, Jolie Ravioli - the faukin peas? He's like a little spanish retard.
I'm tellin ya I almost strangled the little fuck right there in front of the customers.
So I take this little prick by the ear - I told em a thousand times to watch what the fauk he's doin, but the kid is faukin retarded or somethin like he don't speak english. So I pull his ear and drag him back to the counter and put em in the back room - one or two customers watchin me go in but at this point I'm so ripshit I could give a fuck.
So I drag em in, kick the door closed behind us, and I toss em down by his ear onto this faukin pile a banana boxes. He tumbles over yelling in spanish or some shit and knocks all the bananas down while I'm screamin at him.
"The fuck you tryin to do to me out there?" I says.
He don't say nothin, just gets down on the floor and starts combin around for his hat or some shit. Kid doesn't even look up at me!
Lemme tell you this: One faukin thing you do NOT do to me - I don't care if you're a faukin price boy or the President of Russia - NO ONE faukin ignores me - I'll tell you it makes me crazy like a nuclear kill switch.
So by then I'm seein red - I put my foot up his ass pretty good but he still won't faukin look up at me. Then I'm shittin mad and I grabbed the faukin fire extinguisher off the wall, and then I don't even know what happened.
So now this little fuck is just lying there now - he's full of shit like all these little faukin mexicans at the goddamn bodegas, stealin the owner's goddamn soda and calling cards. Beside that I can't wait till Union Market kills all these fucks at ALL these faukin bodegas. That's the only reason I come into work and put up with these faukin yuppies all day, right? I know you feel me on that part at the very least am I right?
Ok I gotta go shake this kid. I'm telln him he's got about 30 seconds to stop faukin around and get up off my bananas. If he doesn't get back to work in half a minute he's done - he can go work for the gook at the Villiage Market or for all I care get his wetback ass on the next faukin boat back south.
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Reader Comments (17)
Amazing
I know the guy you mean, yes he's an a-hole, yes he sounds like this, and yes this blog just became a legitimate work of art.
You mean Len Capricio is real? Well then he rocks harder than a masochist. Len Capricio has become my favorite internet personality.
See? This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Over and over again.
[And please stop deleting my posts here. If you care then the democratic process should mean something here and all voices should stand valid; praise and criticism.]
I have criticisms of your site. You stereotype and disparage so much it makes me very, very sad--for you! You've taken Barack Obama's message of hope and change and, frankly, you've drowned it in feces and mud.
I'm not going to "stop reading" your so-called "blog" because somebody has to stand up the Nazis in my very own neighborhood. And that somebody is going to be me!
I consider it my mission to stand in your face and tell you what you immature hatemongers need to know: I'M WATCHING YOU AND I'M HOLDING YOU ALL AT FIPS ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR HATE! This backwoods slander shall not have a place in OUR community.
Oh Jesus Christ. Here comes the gravitas brigade. Look Burkelee, it's a blog, just a blog. You are a stupidity monger. If you can't get this or the humor is too base for you, then just clock the little x button on your browser and go look at cartoon in the New Yorker and go sit around with the other pseudo intellectual, too cool for the rooms, pretending you actually get it. Stop trying to take this away from the rest of us who do get it. Aren't you scheduled for a righteous indignation fit in the meat section of the food co-op in ten minutes?
Quality..
Best post ever.
And to think Union Market was ONCE a bodega
Wow. This is benjamin right? You should be proud- you've really come into your own.
Aw Jayzus Len you dunnit now you guinea prick. 4 years it takes me to build up this business down the street from the pinko fags at the co-op (kidding!) and you've blown the whole thing out yer ass. Folks, I wanna say right now that Len does not speak for Union Market management. We love your children and have many organic artisanal snacks that will are trans-fat and cruelty free (except to your wallet--kidding!). While we appreciate your pulchritude, ladies I mean women I mean womyn we endeavor to admire your intellect and politics and your lovely children equally. The so-called "wetback" has all his papers and is paid above minimum wage, and we give him food only slightly past its sell-by date to feed his 9 adorable ninos and ninas (plus twins any day). Again, accept my apologies. He lives in Bensonhurst, what can I tell you.
@ "Danny"
What? You're coming after me? When this "blog" goes after any and every under-represented American and immigrant population possible?
Shame! Where is your human dignity and RESPONSIBIITY?!!
Like I said, I'm sad for you.
Stop deleting my posts!
Uh, for the record, no one is deleting your comments, Burklee Carroll. Scroll on up...you see? All your bullshit is still there. Yay!
Faukin brilliant...
By the way, Union Market has mice. BIG TIME FUCKING MICE. I picked up a loaf of bread ("yoga bread" for 5 bucks) and the little miceys had made a sandwich for themselves there in that bread bag. Won't stop me from going there because I'm a fucking yuppie but it makes me feel like an insider to spill the beans.
Excellent post. Whether this is Benjamin or a BN incognito guest post, it's scathing and terrific.
I keep reading "Burkelee Carroll" to try to figure out if it's really, really subtle satire. I'm still torn.
Burke: go read Mark Twain, I hear he's a big racist. He uses the N word and everything. He should be ASHAMED. Where is his HUMANITY?
It kind of sounds like Len is channeling both Damon Runyan and George V. Higgins, a neat combination. And, Danny, I just want you to know that The New Yorker has at least a few cartoons that I get almost right away, not moving my lips or anything (unless the caption is so cool that I really want to move my lips). As for Burkelee, if you live in NYC you must not get out much. I would like to suggest that you check Wikipedia for "satire."
simply amazing! so glad i discovered you guys today (via brooklyn based article). finally, some quality reading to pass my hours at work. I hope Len gets a regular column cause that's seriously incredible shit there.