Ah, fuck me; I think I may have just *killed* this wetback prick.

Ed note: This is the first column in our new Park Slope Voices feature – it's where we allow individuals that we consider to be prominent fixtures of our neighborhood to reach out directly to the FIPS community. This first post comes from Len Capricio, the somewhat temperamental (no offense, Len) Operations Manager of Park Slope's Union Market.

Ah, christ.

So today I'm standin there behind the counter by the faukin rotisserie chickens – I'm shootin the shit with Eddie while he runs back n forth gettin the yuppies their chop liver an faukin mango salad.

So we're lookin at the broads on the checkout lines - I'm tellin Eddie about how I'd like to put their little brats in front of the TV - let 'em watch Cookie Monster for a few minutes while I play hide the salami with their mommies in the back.  

These rich stuck-up bitches are unbelievable - asking me if our cashews are "chokeable?" - Dunno about that, lady, but ya can always go down and choke on the end of my DICK!

So all of the sudden, I'm faukin standin there with Eddie – and one of these broads comes up to me like I just fucked her sister and squawks, "$5.95 now for your organic eggs??!"

I says "what are you talking about lady? - it's $4.95 for Organic Valley - right back there in the dairy section."

"Don't call me LADY," this bitch says to me, like I just called her a CUNT. (OK, you're a CUNT, I shoulda says.) 

"LOOK!" she says, and she shows me a box of eggs - sure enough it had a pricecount on it that said $5.95.

"Ah shit - that's wrong," I says. "Do they all say $5.95? I'm sorry lady, the kid must have fauked it all up again."

So I'm admitting it's our bad – I'm admitting it! But still she says, I swear to christ, she says:
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't curse in my ear."

Faukin cunt - you baleevat shit? I shoulda popped HER in the faukin mouth, lemme tell ya right?

So I take the eggs and I go back to the dairy section and sure enough - that little mexican wetback prick is runnin around like a faukin retard. He's slappin the wrong fuckin prices all over the place - the eggs, the organic milk, yobaby yogurt, Jolie Ravioli - the faukin peas? He's like a little spanish retard.

I'm tellin ya I almost strangled the little fuck right there in front of the customers.

So I take this little prick by the ear - I told em a thousand times to watch what the fauk he's doin, but the kid is faukin retarded or somethin like he don't speak english. So I pull his ear and drag him back to the counter and put em in the back room - one or two customers watchin me go in but at this point I'm so ripshit I could give a fuck.

So I drag em in, kick the door closed behind us, and I toss em down by his ear onto this faukin pile a banana boxes. He tumbles over yelling in spanish or some shit and knocks all the bananas down while I'm screamin at him.

"The fuck you tryin to do to me out there?" I says.

He don't say nothin, just gets down on the floor and starts combin around for his hat or some shit. Kid doesn't even look up at me!

Lemme tell you this: One faukin thing you do NOT do to me - I don't care if you're a faukin price boy or the President of Russia - NO ONE faukin ignores me - I'll tell you it makes me crazy like a nuclear kill switch.

So by then I'm seein red - I put my foot up his ass pretty good but he still won't faukin look up at me. Then I'm shittin mad and I grabbed the faukin fire extinguisher off the wall, and then I don't even know what happened.

So now this little fuck is just lying there now - he's full of shit like all these little faukin mexicans at the goddamn bodegas, stealin the owner's goddamn soda and calling cards. Beside that I can't wait till Union Market kills all these fucks at ALL these faukin bodegas. That's the only reason I come into work and put up with these faukin yuppies all day, right? I know you feel me on that part at the very least am I right?

Ok I gotta go shake this kid. I'm telln him he's got about 30 seconds to stop faukin around and get up off my bananas. If he doesn't get back to work in half a minute he's done - he can go work for the gook at the Villiage Market or for all I care get his wetback ass on the next faukin boat back south.