Ad-derall: The 'Ultimate Natural' B1 Patch

Ad-deral is a column in which we rant and riff on the ridiculous ads we're subjected to while trapped on the subway.  From the borderline racist local businesses (1-800-MARGARITA Divorce Attorneys) to the condescending national brands that pretend to know what it's like to ride the goddamned F train every day (Snickers, Delta), we'll tackle them all with the same smug outlook that has made us totally (not) famous.

Okay, so I wasn't able to get a very good photo on the F train since it was a banner ad and I was concentrating on holding on for dear life as we were hurtling through the depths of Brooklyn at about 700mph [ed. note: 700MPH! On the F!? I can run faster than that fucker...], BUT, check this bullshit out: Introducing the B1 Patch! 

When I first saw it, I was all like, is it one of those gross birth control patches that Sarah Fittante would wear back in high school?  You know, the one that you could see creeping out from under her Victoria's Secret sweat pants?  The one that had a layer of crusty dirt forming around it?  They're called PILLS, people...pills and condoms.  Jesus Christ.

But NO, the B1 Patch has NOTHING to do with killing babies that may or may not pop up in your mufin top, it's supposed to help cure your hangover!

Hmm.

As someone who can drink a gallon of beer at Farrell's and still get up for work at 7AM the next morning, I don't really feel the need to slap a patch on my ass.  But for people like my mother, who drink two glasses of Chardonnay and then spend the next two days in bed whining about how they think they might die, this B1 Patch might be the answers to all your prayers.

Billed as the "ultimate NATURAL defense," the B1 Patch supposedly reduces your hangover without "killing your buzz." Genius, cause as we all know: no one likes a buzz kill, am I right?  Am I right? 

Here's some propaganda from their site: "B1, also known as Thiamine, is a vital nutrient in the digestion of carbohydrates, and the breakdown of alcohol in the body. It is also vital to the central nervous system. Because Thiamine is depleted so rapidly when breaking down alcohol, replenishing B1 in your system is critical to feeling your best. Simply apply this patch to a hairless portion of your skin [so dudes, not your ass]. The B1 patch will not stop you from feeling intoxicated, or buzzed. But it will dramatically reduce negative physical side effects from consuming alcohol."

So what do you think?  Can you head out to the Old Carriage Inn, drink 14 beers and still wake up feeling fresh as a daisy thanks to this mysterious new patch?

Doubtful. 

And judging by the army of skanks they're using in their ads (see above) and all over their site, this thing was probably dreamed up by some douchey rohypnol-carrying, Girls Gone Wild watching dude from New Jersey. 

I'm sticking with my regular regimen of water, ginger ale, and Totino's Pizza Rolls.