A "Ring Liaison" is totally a thing that exists, you guys

Image via Glamour.comAccording to DNAinfo, Park Slope resident Molly Clarke is (1) a certified gemologist; (2) a romantic at heart; and (3) a "ring liaison."  What in Sam Hill is a "ring liaison," you ask?  A "ring liaison" is a job that Molly Clarke just totally made up, where people pay her to find the perfect wedding ring for them. It's a $500 flat fee, and for that low, low price, she figures out what kind of ring you should get for your putative spouse, and then you can get married, secure in the knowledge that because you've got the perfect ring, you and your husband or wife will never, ever fight, ever. Never, ever. You will both be happy until the sun goes supernova and turns us all into diamonds instantaneously, and even then, you'll still be happy, because you will have become one with your flawless ring in some kinda weird cosmic synergy. All because of Molly Clarke!

Oh!  And Molly Clarke had a booth up at the Brooklyn Pride festival this past weekend, too. So, even if you are gay, you can still totally pay Molly Clarke $500. Yes, you can!  She will help you!

I probably have no business criticizing someone else's business model, but guess what?  I'm going to criticize someone else's business model. Molly could totally be charging more to some potential clients.  Like, if they ever take Liz Taylor's cryogenically frozen head and transplant it onto a new body, and she wants to get married again, Molly could totally make out like a bandit if she landed Zombie Elizabeth Taylor as a client.  (By the way, I don't know for certain that Liz Taylor had her head removed and frozen in liquid nitrogen; I'm just kind of assuming.)

Similarly, for gay men, if two guys are going to go all "Behind the Candelabra" on the ring selection, $500 could totally be a reasonable price.  However, when I got gay married, my boyfriend (at the time) and I picked out rings at a street fair.  I think they maybe cost us $20.  Then, later on, I lost my ring while gardening, and after sleeping on a bench in the park for a few days, he forgave me, so I went on overstock.com and picked out one of the many hundreds of reasonably-priced wedding bands, which I had mailed to me overnight.  If you're a gay guy, today, for example, you could order the Rhodium Overlay Men's Triple Row Band for only $7.99.  That is a good deal, guys!  But if you paid Molly Clarke $500 and then she interviewed you and said, "You know what?  I've found the perfect ring for you and it's the Rhodium Overlay Men's Triple Row Band." and then you find out that the ring only costs eight bucks?  Well, you'd have good reason to be pissed off, I think.

So, Molly Clarke, if you're out there reading this, please take this free, unsolicited advice, and consider adopting a sliding scale.  You might not be getting much from gay male couples, but when they resuscitate Liz Taylor, you'll thank me.