A FiPS Guide For Avoiding Death or Dismemberment on the Subway

Photo via i35south.net/

One of the reasons I'm so damned fat is that I need to take in a lot of calories in order to ensure that I won't have a low blood sugar moment while riding the subway. If I don't eat a shit ton of food all the time, there's a risk that I could become exceedingly cranky on the F train and start an altercation with a knife-wielding lunatic.  Or, even worse, I might become dizzy and disoriented and could fall onto the tracks, just as the train is approaching.

Both scenarios are completely terrifying. Fortunately, Reddit posted an interview with a subway conductor, and they asked EXACTLY the right questions that enable to me to restrict my caloric intake, safely. 

Q: What's the best way to a) get help if someone is sick or being attacked and b) when DO you pull the emergency brake? 

Say you start a fight with someone on the train, between stops, because they're wearing flip flops on the subway and you have to look at their disgusting feet and you haven't eaten anything all day. All of a sudden you realize that you're in waaaaay over your head and need to get off the damned car before you get cut. Do NOT pull the emergency brake. That won't do anything except bring the train to a slowly controlled stop, which means you'll be stuck between stations while you bleed out through your carotid artery. Instead, use the emergency intercom! There's one on every car! Push the button, wait for the light to come on, and then scream your fucking head off. Easy. Breezy. Beautiful. Cover Girl!

Q: If, god forbid, I fall onto the tracks or someone I am willing to risk my life for falls into the tracks and is knocked out - and a train is coming (lets say 30sec away) - what should I do? Are those pits between the rails by the platforms made for people to hide in in a worst case scenario?

This scenario is more complicated.  Assume for the sake of argument that you've skipped breakfast and are late for work. By the time you reach the subway platform, you're extremely light-headed. You lose your footing and fall onto the tracks. Do not try to lay flat between the tracks while the subway passes. That won't work (because you're fat, remember)?  That's the whole reason you stopped eating a chocolate croissant every morning! Instead, get up and run in the direction opposite the approaching train as fast as your big, fat, tired, white, lazy ass can carry you -- all the way down to the far end of the tracks. Avoid the third rail. There's a ladder down at the end of the platform, and it's your best bet for getting back up off the tracks. Or, if you're too malnourished to climb the ladder, you can just run into the tunnel and stand there waving your arms so that when the train pulls into the station, it'll stop before it hits you.

I think those are the most important take-aways from the interview, but it's actually a really good read, for other reasons, like learning that you don't have to fear the mole people and shit like that. So check it out. And then go on a diet.