BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 9th & 8th] vs. 7th Ave [btwn 9th & 8th]

In last week’s Block-Off!, in which I pitted two 5th Ave blocks on Park Slope’s south border against one another, I referred to 5th Ave as 7th Ave’s “drunker, sluttier cousin.”

This week, I’ve decided to give those cousins a chance to kiss and then get in the ring for a little HOT MUD WRESTLING ACTION, putting 5th Ave from 9th to 8th up for judgment against 7th Ave between 9th and 8th. In the end, only when the mud has been sufficiently splashed around & the hair has been adequately pulled & the screaming & name-calling & displaced anger has been fully meted out will a winner be declared. Let the messy sexy judging begin!

5th Avenue from 9th Street to 8th Street:
Recently, during my scattered TV watching, I feel like I’m being subjected to more & more Chase Bank commercials. There’s one where this guy is out on a date having dinner and when they get the overly-huge menus & start reading them, the dude freaks out because it says “Cash Only” on the menu & he was obviously not a Boy Scout & doesn’t have enough cash on him. Luckily, his date is so engrossed in the menu & talking & talking & talking that he has enough time to run out to a Chase Bank because they are FRIGGIN’ EVERYWHERE & get back without his date even noticing. Silly oblivious garrulous date!

“More branches in New York City than any other bank,” they claim. Well no shit! This just in…Water is wet! JP Morgan-Chase was already pretty damn big even before they swallowed up WaMu (and my banking business in the process) & once they did that, they came out as the third-largest bank in the country, behind only Bank of America and Wells Fargo…that’s how the left-hand side of 5th Ave between 9th & 8th starts…with a lovely Chase Bank on the corner.

Next to that is Smith’s Tavern, a neighborhood pub that’s been there since the 30s & is lit just the way I like it…dark. I’ve been in this place three times in my life. Once was to get out of a rain storm. Once was a quick stop-in for a shot of whiskey with two friends on the way to last year’s birthday dinner. The third time was this past weekend for a pint of Guinness with society darling James Call of The Missing Teens. I have no complaints about Smith’s other than that even in my mid-30s, I still feel young in there.

Tip Top Gifts is next to Smith’s Tavern. Their storefront sign promises “Oriental Art Kung Fu Karate.” That sounds super dangerous. There used to be a psychic upstairs, but it looks like she’s no longer there. I wonder if she ever looked into her crystal ball & saw the tattered awning that is now where her sign once was.

After that is Kim’s Family Farm. Don’t be fooled by this place. I walked all through it and didn’t see one cow or silo or corn field. I guess the USDA’s definition of what a farm is has really changed over the years...since this place is basically a bodega.

Then there’s Fifth Avenue Diner and Restaurant. One half is the “diner” portion & the other half is a restaurant that at one point was a lounge of sorts, before the owners went ahead & converted it all into one big eatery, which is probably for the best. They always seem to have a good amount of people eating in there. I can confidently recommend the BLT. If you’re vegetarian, I can recommend the cole slaw.

At the end of the block is Square Stores, which is the neighborhood “Big Man Headquarters.” Personally, I need to shop at the “Little Man Headquarters,” so I’ve never been in. Square Stores’ storefront bears the words “since 1950,” meaning there are two places on this side of the street that have been around since the Eisenhower administration.

On the other side of the street, starting at the corner of 5th & 9th, there’s 5th Ave Deli & Smoke Shop. I mean, you’ve seen one bodega, you’ve seen them all, but this place has a pipe next to their name on the signage, which is classy & leads me to believe that this is the kind of place that Sherlock Holmes or Old-Timey Santa Claus would patronize.

Next to the corner bodega is Record Tape Center, an aptly-named & tightly-packed record store. I’m no DJ, but my roommate, aka Anvil Hands, is a DJ & he does much “digging through bins” there…that’s hip DJ lingo the kids are using for “searching for records.” Then they bring the records home & scratch them up for beat-related reasons.

Just past Record Tape Center is Fatoosh Middle Eastern Pitza & BBQ, a fairly newish Middle Eastern place that features something called a “pitza.” It’s not quite a pizza & it’s not quite a pita, but it’s 100% a stupidly clever name.

Next to Fatoosh is the Grey Album of 5th Avenue restaurants, Good Friend Chinese & Mexican Restaurant. It’s good to see that China & Mexico have finally developed friendly trade relations, but I never go the Chinese route here. My go-to order at this place is solidly Mexican—one guac taco, one grilled shrimp taco & one grilled chicken taco…all soft obviously because hard shells are for lame-os.

Blooms on Fifth is the only flower store on the block and it’s been in the neighborhood for over 80 years & will probably come in real handy for a lot of folks come around the 14th. Don’t get me wrong. I love flowers as much as any testosterone-charged American male, but with it being less than two weeks away from V.D. & nobody to give flowers to this year, I’m trying to avoid flower shops.

If you also find yourself with nobody to buy flowers for this year, you can always spend your hard-earned dough on comic books & graphic novels & action figures & displacement fantasies & whatnot next door at Galaxy Comics. I’ve only been in a couple times, but beyond the basic Marvel & DC Comics, I’m essentially comic book store clueless, so for me it’s sort of like watching a Finnish film without subtitles—lots of things might seem appealing, but I’ll be damned if I know why that is.

After you’re done picking up the latest issue of the 75,001st X-Men spinoff, you can stop next door at Desilva Wine Liquors and pick up a fifth of Smirnoff to mix with Diet Cokes later that evening as you sit at home watching Wolverine brood for 90+ pages. They even have Green Apple Smirnoff if regular Smirnoff is too harsh for you. I saw a bottle with my own eyes, just on the other side of the bulletproof glass, which is the predominant decorative theme in this establishment.

Near the end of the block is Century 21 Anne Marie. Amongst the listings hung in their front window are one that appears to be Mezcal & another restaurant/shop that has had to drop its asking price from $90K to $40K. Stupid economy.

This side of the block ends with a Subway. In the spirit of full disclosure, I’ve eaten my fair share of foot longs from Subway & even though it’s healthier than gorging on a McDonald’s Angus Burger, afterwards, I usually end up wishing that I was still a practicing Catholic so I could do some Hail Marys or something & make the whole thing go away…& don’t even get me started on the fact that the BMT doesn’t even have bacon in it.

Left-hand side:
Chase Bank, 444 5th Ave, 718-935-9935
Smiths Tavern, 440 5th Ave, 718-788-9363
Tip Top Gifts, 436 5th Ave, 718-965-4386
Kim’s Family Farm, 434 5th Ave, 718-788-8008
Fifth Avenue Diner/Restaurant, 432 5th Ave, 718-832-8131
Square Stores, 426 5th Ave, 718-788-5135

Right-hand side:
5th Ave Deli & Smoke Shop, 441 5th Ave
Record Tape Center, 439 5th Ave
Fatoosh Middle Eastern Pitza & BBQ, 437 5th Ave, 718-369-0606
Good Friend Chinese & Mexican, 437 5th Ave, 718-832-4500
Blooms on Fifth, 431 5th Ave, 718-768-4441
Galaxy Comics, 429 5th Ave, 718-499-3222
Desilva Wine Liquors, 427 5th Ave, 718-768-2910
Century 21 Anne Marie, 425 5th Ave, 718-965-0045
Subway, 423 5th Ave, 718-768-6678

Scoring
Bonuses – Three old-ass local businesses, Two booze-procurement facilities, One awesomely baffling restaurant cuisine combo, One nerd paradise
Shames – One evil business, One evil franchise, One awful spelling

7th Avenue from 9th Street to 8th Street:
As you step out of the 7th Ave subway station & turn north on 7th Avenue, there’s a Brooklyn Industries on the corner. I know they’re a Brooklyn-based business & they’re all socially conscious & I should probably be supportive of them, but for some reason, I’ve filed them in the same box as American Apparel & Triple Five Soul & Neighborhoodies et al, which probably makes me a Brooklyn traitor, but for me means that their style reminds me of the thing that most makes me want to firebomb Williamsburg—hipster chic.

After Brooklyn Industries is Urban Optical. They’ve been in the neighborhood for over a decade now, so they must be doing something right somewhere. Their Citysearch profile “dare[s] you to find an Optometrist's office in the area that has the expertise and warmth that [their] office has.” You should probably take that dare, because if you choose to not take it, you have to tell the truth about what you did last summer.

Donuts Luncheonette is the next establishment down 7th Avenue. It’s been around for a while and in my opinion is one of the better diners in the area, but then again, my judgment is mostly based on BLT consumption (ed note: Have you SERIOUSLY never eaten the donuts there??? Because if so, that's a major problem. MAJOR).

For those who enjoy wine out of something other than a box, Prospect Wine Shop is next to Donuts. They have wine tastings there, which is WICKED CLASSY, right?

After that, there’s a Postal Service-endorsed UPS Store next to the wine shop. This place is handy for whenever you’d rather use the phrase “going brown” instead of “shipping things.”

Rumor is that folks who live on 7th Ave have money dripping from the walls, enough to have their fancy laundry “unwrinkled” and “pressed” & done for them. How convenient! It must be nice. That’s where Brownstone Cleaners comes in. It’s not their fault that the people who live along 7th Ave can afford to eat caviar off of each others’ bellies. I’m sure they’re nice people who leave your clothes cleaner than when you drop them off.

Video Gallery, a neighborhood video store, is the last business standing on this side of the block. It's good to see at least one non-Blockbuster/West Coast Video still standing.

The block ends with an EMPTY STOREFRONT, which is totally for rent. You know what this neighborhood doesn’t have? A porno shop. Think about it. You take over this empty space and fill it with a porno wonder house, one that’s really classy & fits into the neighborhood & has candles & tasteful lingerie (nothing crotchless allowed) & maybe a back area where you hold some of those stripper aerobics classes. I guarantee people would go crazy over that idea (ed note: its gonna be some sort of food establishment...I can't find the link, but I read about it on Gowanus Lounge).

Smiling Pizza [pictured above] is on the other side of the street just outside of the subway entrance. It’s a pizza joint that the high school kids seem to love, which is good because it means turnover, which means there’s often a chance that your pizza’s actually fresh. They have this one “pizza” that’s pretty much just a salad, with lettuce & junk on top of a pizza and without all the pizzalike qualities like sauce & cheese. That’s pretty tasty.

Right after that is Zana Café, which is relatively new & has delicious European pastries & a sad but delicious backstory.

There’s one of Uncle Louie G’s twenty New York branches next to that. Right now, the place is closed for the winter, but you can usually get all sorts of Italian ices & tasty ice creams here. The only thing I have against Uncle Louie G is that sometimes, on some level, he makes me think of Ron Jeremy, who is not someone I want on my mind as I’m eating ice cream, or really anything for that matter.

A & S Stationery is next to Uncle Louie’s and well…let’s just say that the name is deceptive. I couldn’t find any canary #6 3/4 envelopes anywhere in here.

7th Ave Copy & Office Supplies follows that, pretty much across the street from the UPS Store, which is a wicked rubbing-your-opponent’s-face in the mud dick move on the UPS Store’s behalf, since 7th Ave Copy was obviously there first.

There’s a Kim’s bodega over on 7th Ave too, so they obviously have the lockdown on Park Slope bodegas between 8th St & 9th St. The presence of Kim’s bodegas on both blocks means they effectively cancel each other out.

Past Kim’s is Rice Thai, who are currently celebrating their 13th anniversary. How lucky for them. I’ve yet to make it in here for dinner during my time in Brooklyn, which is weird, because I eat Thai food like it’s my job & the place is less than a block away from the subway station. It looks good, so I’ve decided I’m going to go there in the next few weeks, on Friday the 13th, to celebrate their 13th anniversary. If you are a short, cute girl, I’d love to have you as my date. Maybe we can go see the sure-to-be crappy remake of Friday the 13th after that.

At the end of the block is The Cabinet Shop, which has all sorts of custom, handmade furniture. I love going in there and looking at all the stuff & thinking “wow, this bookcase would look nice in the living room,” but I usually end up looking out the north-facing window across 8th Street at the Save on Fifth and realize that I could probably save lots of money by getting something cheaper & crappier at IKEA.

Left-hand side:
Brooklyn Industries, 328 7th Ave, 718-788-5250
Urban Optical, 326 7th Ave, 718-832-3513
Donuts Luncheonette, 324 7th Ave, 718-788-0127
Prospect Wine Shop, 322 7th Ave, 718-768-1232
UPS Store, 320 7th Ave, 718-499-0464
Brownstone Cleaners, 318 7th Ave, 718-499-7801
Video Gallery, 316 7th Ave, 718-768-1777
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 314 7th Ave

Right-hand side:
Smiling Pizza, 323 7th Ave, 718-788-2137
Zana Café, 321 7th Ave, 718-369-2275
Uncle Louie G, 321 7th Ave, 718-965-4237
A & S Stationery, 317 7th Ave, 718-965-1596
7th Ave Copy & Office Supplies, 315 7th Ave, 718-965-2707
Kim’s, 313 7th Ave, 718-768-0639
Rice Thai, 311 7th Ave, 718-832-9512
The Cabinet Shop, 309 7th Ave, 718-832-9884

Scoring
Bonuses – One possible date spot, One booze-procurement facility, One neighborhood pizza joint, One video store
Shames – One evil business, One hipster-associated business, One empty storefront

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
5TH AVENUE FROM 9TH STREET TO 8TH STREET

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.blogspot.com

Comments

[Claire]

here is the link that confirms the empty storefront next to video gallery will be an eating establishment: http://www.gowanuslounge.com/2009/01/13/brooklyn-nibbles-new-eatery-coming-to-seventh-ave-eighth-st/

[Claire]

oh also, if you need justification for your brooklyn industries hatred, know that everything is made in china.

also, i bought a coat from them and every fucking button fell off after a week.