YOUR FIPS GUIDE TO A NO-COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER

Let's imagine for a moment that I could fit more than 1.75 people in my apartment...and that I wasn't using our oven to store cases of Diet Coke...then I might totally, maybe, probably not, but who knows, host a Thanksgiving dinner!

And my imaginary Thanksgiving dinner would obvs be SO delicious...mostly cause I wouldn't make a fucking thing! While I've got zero skills in the kitchen, my menu ordering skills are black belt, ninja like. I'm serious, ppl...my friends and family call me the "menu DJ." 

And so, if you happen to find yourself the unwitting host of an upcoming Thanksgiving dinner, and you'd rather spend the day before watching White Collar season 3 re-runs instead of slaving away in the kitchen, here are a bunch of ideas for ordering the whole damn thing in!

Fresh Direct

I love Fresh Direct so hard. There is no possible way on the planet to make food shopping and prep any more appealing to lazy-assed people like me...forget it. Don't even try. Fresh Direct has already won. So if, like me, you literally can't even handle walking outside your door, I would suggest ordering up your ENTIRE Thanksgiving meal from Freshy D. They will deliver that shit directly to your own useless kitchen and then all you have to do is unpack it and reheat. You can order the whole meal from top to bottom, Hors d'oeuvres, wine, shit, you can even get yourselves some paper plates and plastic silverware if you're too lazy to even do the dishes [NO JUDGMENT].

Check out Fresh Direct's Thanksgiving headquarters here (and order that shit EARLY, ppl. Delivery slots are already in hot demand, and I'm sure some of this shit is gonna start selling out). 

Whole Foods

Ok, so you *do* have to go pick this shit up, but you can also get a start to finish Thanksgiving meal at your local Whole Foods. They even have a "Tofurkey Vegetarian Feast," which sounds absolutely disgusting to me, but whatevs. Downside to Whole Foods, of course, are all the asshole gluten-free, vegan hippies you'll have to deal with in line. But if you can get to the Bowery location, they happen to have that Beer annex next door, so at least you can get drunk on some pretentious Brooklyn micro brews before you have to do your TG pick-up.

Make sure you order before November 20th. You can see their whole spread here. 

Union Market

Union Market is selling Murrays Turkeys (Maple & Rosemary Brined!) as well as some other Thanksgiving classics such as cornbread stuffing, creamed spinach and cranberry "relish," which I guess is the obnoxious way of saying "sauce" in artisinal Brooklynese. They want you to get your orders in by November 16th though (TODAY) so hop to it!

All the details are here. 

Fort Reno BBQ

If a finger lickin' good Thanksgiving is what you're after, you might want to hit up Fort Reno for their turkey day packages. For $35 bucks a person, you get a fully cooked smoked Heritage turkey, mashed potatoes with carmelized onions, bourbon carrots, sausage stuffing, brussels sprouts with bacon (!), and apple cranberry chutney. And if none of that strikes your fancy, you can also order from their regular menu and get your fat asses some St. Louis ribs, Fatty beef brisket or mac-n-cheese. Everything will be delivered right to your dysfunctional family table on Thanksgiving day between 2 and 6pm. 

They don't mention a cut off date, but suggest that you "order early." All Thanksgiving inquiries should be sent to fortrenobbq@gmail.com Or find them here at www.fort-reno.us

Costco

Ok, so truth time: the picture on the site of their Deluxe Turkey Feast looks all sorts of scary, but I'm gonna give them the benefit of the doubt, cause HAVE YOU EVER TASTED THEIR MUFFINS??? They taste like money, and erotic massages and gogo juice. 

Anyway.

Yes, you can get your whole Thanksgiving dinner from Costco! Also, one of the reviewers said this was "the best Thanksgiving meal he ever had." Wow. The whole thing is $149.99, though it probably costs a million dollars to ship. 

I'm officially intrigued. 

If you wanna order your meal from Costco, go here. 

BKLYN LARDER

While they don't seem to have any packages, they do have a pretty killer Thanksgiving menu. They have all sorts of amazing cured meat platters, natch, pumpkin and barley soup, braised collard greens with bacon, and of course, roasted turkey (all fully prepared). And there's way more where that came from. 

You were *supposed* to have placed all of your Thanksgiving orders by yesterday, but I bet if you called and begged and pleaded and told them you read about how amazingly delish they were on some blog with the word "fuck" in the title, they might let you sneak through. Just hurry the hell up. 

PARM

Parm, the Torrisi spinoff in Nolita is very very delicious (in case you haven't been). And they are offering an Italian Thanksgiving Feast for $200 large. With it you get house roasted turkey breast with gravy, housemade cranberry sauce, Italian sausage stuffing, spicy broccoli rabe and brussel sprouts (which will feed up to 6 people). You can throw in a pumpkin cheescake for an extra $25. 

All orders must be placed by November 18th and then pick-up takes place the day before Thanksgiving on November 21st. Email party@parmnyc.com to get the ball rolling. 

Four & Twenty Blackbirds

If you haven't placed your order for the most delicious pie on the fucking planet, then you're SOL with Four & Twenty Blackbirds. BUT, they are releasing a limited number of additional pies on the following days, first come, first served:

• Tuesday the 20th starting at 8am
• Wednesday the 21st starting at 8am
• Thursday the 22nd starting at 8am

You may want to consider camping out so you can be the first one there. 

BLUE APRON

If you need some snacks before dinner, you should go buy a gigantic pile of cheese from Blue Apron. Here's the amazing thing about these folks: you basically just have to show up, tell them you are having x number of people over, and then just let them pick out all the cheese you're going to buy, and love, and then get angry about cause the next time you come back you're going to forget the names of every single one of them. 

Any Chinese Restaurant

If you're not much of a traditionalist and you just feel like some good ole General Tso's, let your fingers do the walking. Chinese people don't seem to give a rat's ass about Pilgrims-n-shit, so it's business as usual at most of them. As a sidenote: everyone and their brother keeps raving about Tofu on 7th now that they have their newly imported Szechuan chef. I srsly need to try it already. 

Ok, so happy Thanksgiving FIPSters! Have fun fighting with your families!