YOUR BEST COMMENTS: SEPTEMBER

Perhaps one of the most entertaining things about writing for FIPS is reading all of the passionate (read: rude, misspelled) comments from our readers.  Who knew that a topic as simple as hamburgers could result in a threats of physical violence?  Everyone is SO MAD ALL OF THE TIME.   

So, we did a round-up of the best comments from the month of September.  They made us laugh, they made us cry, they made us question whether or not we should call the police, etc, etc.

Take a look!  Note that the comments were posted as-is.  We didn't fix grammar or spelling.  Normally, bad grammar makes us [sic] (see what I did there?  A NERD JOKE), but we wanted to make sure that the commenters were represented exactly how they represented themselves, caps lock, spelling errors and all!

SEPTEMBER!

As far as hi-larious comments go, this month was a little thin.  I guess you guys were too busy avoiding getting stabbed, raped, or stolen from to log on and write pithy comments.   It's fiiiiiiine, I feel you. 

From More Etiquette Rules for New Yorkers to Follow!, September 13

The reason why New Yorkers are so patently crazy and neurotic can probably be traced to the fact that we are constantly surrounded by strangers every day.  We're packed into the F train during rush hour so tight that we can literally smell a fellow passenger's shampoo scent.  It is, quite frankly, terrifying to be in that close proximity to a total stranger that you won't even share eye contact with, let alone words.

The nexus of most bad days can be traced back to: "Well, I was on the subway..." 

So, guerilla artist JayShells started posting preachy signs around NYC, bitching about people’s general lack of rudeness and ignorance of basic etiquette while in public.

We asked you people to come up with your own lines for the signs, and NotBreederOrBaller did quite a good job.  Ever think of becoming an advertising copywriter?  YOU KNOW, LIKE DON DRAPER, LOL?!

From The Playground Battle of Park Slope, September 23

So some white, self-righteous moms are mad that some non-white teenagers complete with baseball hats and sweatshirts have started showing up at the playground, swearing, and smoking pot.  I mean, if I were a mom, I guess I'd be sort of pissed that teenage punks were showing up on a playground meant for young kids.  If you want to smoke and swear and drink, why don't you do what everyone else did when they were teenagers, which was go to Amber Bimonte's house because she had a basement and slutty absentee mom.  

WHATEVER.  Sunset Sloper puts things into perspective, throwing out the ever-threatening double dog dare and challenging everyone to show up where REAL hoodlums hang out.  Like Cobble Hill (really?). 

From Fleischer’s: Now Open!, September 29

Fleischer's, supposedly the best butcher in Brooklyn, is opening in Park Slope.  Because this neighborhood is filled with self-righteous dbags who are personally offended by every possible thing happening within a 30 block radius that doesn't even remotely apply to them (ie: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY'RE OPENING A BAR 10 BLOCKS FROM MY APARTMENT?  I'LL NEVER GET ANY SLEEP NOW!"), it's only natural that someone is going to get up in arms about a butcher shop opening.  

Michael rattled off some self-righteous nonsense about butcher shops being "corpse boutiques," which is a hilarious slash dramatic thing to say.  Just in time, Agee swooped in to dole out a dose of reality.  I love corpse boutiques, by the way.  Everything in there looks delicious.  AND fashion-forward.  

From Park Slope Residents Worried That Proposed Bar Will Ruin Our Children, September 30

Oh, here we are again, not a day later, dealing with the same group of people who are upset about a business opening. 

Is it a 24-hour strip club?  A crack den slash doorbell factory?  No, it's just a goddamned bar where people will drink beer and eat chicken wings, apparently.  WOWZA, WOWZA, that sounds completely detrimental to the well-being of our beautiful little neighborhood.     

“Think of the children,” a woman not unlike Maude Flanders is screeching.

Jon comes along to draw an interesting parallel between drunk adults and annoying children.  They cry, they scream, they throw tantrums, they occasionally piss all over themselves.  Why is everyone so upset?  They're exactly the same!  Let's all eat chicken wings together in harmony, what do you say?