YOUR BEST COMMENTS: AUGUST

Perhaps one of the most entertaining things about writing for FIPS is reading all of the passionate (read: rude, misspelled) comments from our readers.  Who knew that a topic as simple as hamburgers could result in a threats of physical violence?  Everyone is SO MAD ALL OF THE TIME.   

So, we did a round-up of the best comments from the month of June and July.  They made us laugh, they made us cry, they made us question whether or not we should call the police, etc, etc.

Take a look!  Note that the comments were posted as-is.  We didn't fix grammar or spelling.  Normally, bad grammar makes us [sic] (see what I did there?  A NERD JOKE), but we wanted to make sure that the commenters were represented exactly how they represented themselves, caps lock, spelling errors and all!

From Notorious PHD: A Real Life Park Slope Rapper (August 29)

Good news, everyone.  White people alreay ruined Motown music (whatever, Pat Boone) and Mexican food, and now there's a dbag from our very own neighborhood trying to ruin rap!  A professor at Fordham, Mark Naiman "raps" under the handle "Notorious PHD."

I put the word "rap" in quotes because his version of rapping sounds exactly like your white father did after he crashed one of your parties when you were about 13, intent on embarassing you with how unhip he was.  You were listening to "All About the Benjamins" or "Ghetto Superstar" or whatever generic rap being cranked out for suburban white teens in the mid-90's.  Your father busted in with a backwards baseball hat and tried to rap under the handle "Snoop Dopey Dope."  No rhythm, ridiculous lyrics, inability to talk about "the streets," your party was RUINED by his shameful whiteness.

Slope1980 apparently knows Notorious PHD personally, noting his "passion" for the subject matter.  Interesting that he's so passionate about the evils of gentrification and its effects on people who fall below a certain socioeconomic line, and yet he still lives in the very, very gentrified neighborhood of Park Slope instead of making his home in the Bronx, where he teaches and "raps." COOL.     

From Hurricane Irene Open Post (August 29)

LOL remember when everyone freaked out about the hurricane because New Yorkers like to use any possibility of a catastrophe as a way to panic and bolster their collective theories that the world is out to get them? Yeah, that was great.  Everyone was stocking up on the essentials like water, booze, D batteries, and boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and totally forgot the candles.  Of course, the only candles left by the time you got to Rite Aid were religious candles that are only purchased by elderly Dominican women.  WT Guest describes his or her apartment, post-candle addition, as a "botanica."  Mine looked very similar.  Let us pray.

From Brooklyn: Now Serving Placenta (August 25)

I've never given birth, but I've heard that the first thought you have after a harrowing, intense labor is not "Yo, I'd really love a snack right now" and more along the lines of, "Someone hit me over the head with a 2x4 so I can pass out and not feel all of this pain and exhaustion." 

Of course, some douchey, new-agey mom in Brooklyn has started a business where it teaches new moms how to prepare and then eat their own recently shed placenta.  Cool.  I just threw up at my desk. 

SICKMOMSYOU shares my disgust and offers up another, although less disgusting option for gross-out snacktime.

From Trouble at The Arias? (August 23)

Goddamn, Park Slopers: we've heard it again and again that 4th Avenue is on the rise!  The next Park Avenue, they tell us!  Yeah, okay, you can believe that if you also believe that taxi garages and abandoned storefronts are luxurious.

A reader wrote us, asking if there's trouble a-brewing at The Arias, a new luxury condo smack dab in the middle of 4th Avenue.  True story: I looked at an apartment in The Arias a few months ago when I forgot how much money I [don't] make, and while it was a very, very nice building, it looked like it was plopped down right in the middle of the ugliest place in Park Slope. 

I said to myself, "Self, are you really going to pay $2,000 for a studio in the middle of a shithole just to say you have a private rooftop cabana?  Who am I, Ricky Ricardo?"

Drew brought it all home: if you're shelling out that much money a month, the building and the neighborhood better be fucking awesome.   

From Only the Blog Knows Brooklyn: No Words (August 22)

I know we tend to rag on Only the Blog Knows Brooklyn, but it IS good for something.  As a matter of fact, I've found it very useful whenever I'm confronted with a bout of insomnia.  Reading that snoozefest puts me right to sleep wayyyy faster than any kind of NyQuil cocktail I can mix up.  Anyway, it seems that OKTBKB doesn't have a lot left to say, and is instead posting photos and no words at all.

Like me, no one really seemed to care, however, a far more interesting issue was brought up by 5W30: that nasty fish market on 7th Avenue at the corner of Third Street.  Everytime I walk by it, I have to hold my breath, and I wonder who the fuck would ever shop for food in a place that smells like rotting death. 

Or, as Moronthatlater so eloquently put it: "Like two whores fucking on a wharf."  Well done, guys.

From MMM...Ramadan (August 11)

Here's the story: local cupcake shop Butter Lane was planning on serving up Ramadan-inspired cupcakes; we showed up to investigate.  In our careful retelling of the story, we, unfortunately, were not grammatically correct.  Sure, as a blog, grammar, spelling, and factual errors are embarrassing, so luckily, Grammar Nazi showed up to tell us what's what.

Here's the thing, though: sometimes smart people misspeak.  A lot of times, dumb people misspeak.  IT DON'T MATTER.  You're not supposed to correct someone's speech because it a.) makes them feel stupid and b.) makes you sound like an asshole looking to show your superiority.      

From Williamsburg Hates Park Slope (August 9)

We stumbled across a piece of Park Slope-specific graffiti on New York Shitty, where some clown wrote to Park Slope on behalf of Williamsburg. 

It said, "Dear Park Slope, Go back to Manhattan.  Love, Williamsburg." 

Here are some facts about Williamsburg:

1. It's dirty.

2. It's filled with douchebags.

Okay, so I guess we're both even on the "filled with douchebags" front but GODDAMN, Williamsburg is dirty.  Sometimes, I walk through Park Slope on a really nice weekend afternoon and I look at all of the brownstones and beautiful trees and smiling children and think to myself, "What a gorgeous neighborhood I live in!"  

On the flip side, the last time I was in Williamsburg, I came across a lone flower growing out of a crack in the sidewalk.  It was in between an abandoned warehouse and a line of dilapidated apartments covered in graffiti that go for thousands of dollars a month. 

"Hey," the flower said to me.  "Do me a favor and just fucking kill me." 

True story.  Nothing beautiful can survive there, except of course, for waif-thin trust fund babies who will slum it for a few years and then head right on over to a loft in Tribeca.

Josh captured this truth perfectly: "Williamsburg, go back to your parents."  Bunch of dicks.

From One More Reason to Avoid the Atlantic Center (August 5)

Let me say this: I think it's pretty specious reasoning that someone was killed at a Chuck E Cheese in California so we say that you should never go to the Chuck E Cheese in the Atlantic Center, but regardless, I think we can all agree that Chuck E Cheese is a shithole and should be avoided at all costs.

I know, I know, your dumb kids want you to take them there. Yo, they're never going to find out what the fuck Chuck E Cheese is unless you let them find out.  DON'T. 

Wanna know why?  Because, as GoGoGowanus reports, it's a huge waste of money, and that's from the mouth of his heroin addict friend.  COOL.  

For way more obnoxious and offensive commentary, follow Amanda on Twitter @AmandaWaas.