When Trees Attack: Prospect Park Edition

Image from The Wizard of OzSome dude was walking his dogs in Prospect Park when he was injured by a falling tree limb.  He's now suing the city for Twenty Million Dollars, and I have a few things I'd like to say about this.  Here are those things, presented in bullet points, so that you can digest them more easily. 

• Twenty Million Dollars?  Oh my fucking Zoroaster, what the hell?!?  Did you know that those sanitation workers in New Jersey who split a winning Powerball ticket are only estimated to get 3.5 million, each?  Seriously.
• Twenty Million Dollars?  Dude, what the fuck were your injuries, anyway?  I mean, I'm not saying it wasn't  a serious accident or anything, but for $20 Million, I'm guessing that the tree fell on your dick, and now you can't do secks anymore.  Or maybe it injured you in a way that you can no longer eat bacon.  Something really awful like that.
• Twenty Million Dollars?  So, are you gonna use that money to find gay sex on the internet? Because when I google the name Jermaine Shell, this is the picture that comes up.  Is that you?  Are you planning to buy twenty million dollars worth of internet hook-ups?  Because I'm pretty sure that that'd be way more than a lifetime of premium service on even the most expensive sex-finder site.  Or just use Craigslist or something.  That's pretty much free (except for the antibiotics you'll need later.).
• Twenty Million Dollars?  Okay.  Fine.  Twenty Million Dollars.  Sure.  Whatever.  But in the meantime, why did you have to ask the court for permission to inspect the tree that beat the shit out of you?  I mean, the tree's in a public park, and you put in your court papers that you wanted the court's permission to inspect the trees.  BUT IT'S IN A FUCKING PUBLIC PARK!  What kind of a moron are you that you need permission to go to the park.  Did the tree take out a restraining order on your ass, that you can't go to the park without permission from a judge?  You know what, asshole.  Go back to the park and let that goddamned tree finish what it started.  The court system's backlogged, anyway.Twe
• Twenty Million Dollars?  Yeah, right.  If that's the going rate when a tree attacks you in the park, then we need to just cut all the trees down, because I can't afford to pay more in taxes to pay people like you for your damned lawsuits.  Unfortunately, Jermaine Shell, you are demanding that they keep these dangerous, angry trees just as they are, so that you can prevail in your lawsuit.  So, you basically want them to allow the trees to kill us all, just so you can have your payday.  Fuck you, buddy.
• Twenty Million Dollars?  That'll buy a lot of credits on Candy Crush Saga, which is what you should be doing instead of going out with your dogs to the park.  Clearly, the trees have it out for you.  Just stay indoors and clear the jelly from now on, okay?

That's all for now.  But while we're on the subject...what would you do with $20 Million if a tree fell on you. Leave a comment and be creative, for a change.

Comments

[jen]

one of the problems with the tragedy of the commons. The man in question is suing fellow taxpayers not some nebulous force called the City. How am I to blame for his injury? Why don't public parks have private insurance?