[What You Should Order At...] The Roof

WHAT YOU SHOULD ORDER AT... is a recurring column designed in kind for your opinionated asses and our lazy asses. When the mood strikes, we pick one Park Slope-area eatery and recommend our favorite dish. Are we right? Are we wrong? YOU KNOW YOU WANNA WEIGH IN.

Did y'all folks realize that Whole Foods is God's gift to man? It's true. Just look it up on the internet.

As such, we Brooklynites are blessed. Back in December, we found God & the long, bloody reign of Food Coop terror came to an end. We finally got our Whole Foods. Years before that glorious day, we knew that this first ever Brooklyn Whole Foods, situated yards from a Superfund site, would be the most Brooklyny Whole Foods EVA. When it opened, we saw the tons of local BROOKLYN vendors & products. We flinched at the questionable knife-sharpening station. We applauded the Whole Foods creative team for choosing the name "The Roof" for their rooftop bar. SO BROOKLYN. Then we tried to find the entrance to said rooftop bar. We walked through the whole fucking store before finding the entrance.

It was early Saturday evening. We were upstairs at The Roof, sitting at the bar. We'd had a number of Singlecut or Bronx Brewery or some OBVS TOTES LOCAL beers. We were trying to get pumped about heading downstairs & blowing our whole paychecks. We needed sustenance.

We could've been little Park Slope bitches & looked at the menu & actually chose the Buffalo Seitan ($12) but...wheat gluten in buffalo sauce? We'd have been SO vegan but SO violating gluten dietary restrictions. Did we really want to be conflicted little Park Slope bitches? I sure as fuck wasn't going out like that.

For the same price, we got about a dozen Triple Garlic Sticky Wings ($12) & they were fucking delicious. You were all "we should at least try the Buffalo Seitan ($12)." I was all "SHUT UP. We are ORDERING the Triple Garlic Sticky Wings ($12). They are TRIPLE GARLIC for Christ's sake. They have flippin' sesame seeds on them. You can have Buffalo Seitan ($12) when you're here with your passive-aggressive stepfather."

You got cross with me & I think you were starting to cry, so you excused yourself & went to the bathroom, conveniently located right outside the bar in the large seating area. I chugged a Sixpoint.

When you returned, you had a new coat of makeup on. I was certain you'd done a bunch of coke. You'd removed your shoes & stockings. I pardoned myself to go to the bathroom & while I was in there wondering if this relationship was ever going to work, the Triple Garlic Sticky Wings ($12) came out. I returned to an empty plate. You'd eaten all twelve Triple Garlic Sticky Wings ($12) & left me with the cucumber, radish and miso dip accompaniments.

... & you'd already ordered another dozen. You told me that the sauce was "like crack." I despised your hyperbole. You went to the restroom again. Pills this time. "Roofies for The Roof," you joked before storming off. I smiled at the soccer mom next to us. You returned a half hour later. While you were away, I destroyed that dozen Triple Garlic Sticky Wings ($12). I sucked that juicy chicken meat & savored that crispness & sweetness.

We drank more.

You tried to order another dozen wings, but the thirtysomething behind the bar was all "Sorry. It's 10:50pm. We close in ten minutes."

You were all "Fuck you, hippie" & threw a pint glass at his head, shattering it on the chalkboard beer menu behind him.

We were banned from "any and all Whole Foods and Wild Oats Markets in perpetuity."

Now we have to have friends bring us Triple Garlic Sticky Wings ($12).

Thanks a lot, you.