[What To Do In Park Slope When...] You're Dating on a Budget

Way too often I hear other dudes complain that they can't date because it's too expensive. They're wrong. To quote Kevin Bacon: "Anybody can get laid when they're famous. I got laid a lot when I was not famous, and that was something I was very proud of back then. Being a fucking waiter with no money, not a lot of drugs, just a mattress on the floor - and still being able to pull chicks. That's when you separate the men from the boys." With that in mind, I'm about to drop some serious knowledge on the broke-ass, would-be-playboys out there in Park Slope. If you've only got $20 to spend on a first date, this is how you use it. Read closely and take notes. 

BPL

First things first: schedule your date for a weekend afternoon. Tell the lovely lady who actually agreed to a date that you have brunch and dinner plans but you're free in between to hang out. This avoids the issue of paying for a full meal. It also makes you sound like a busy, social person. She doesn't need to know those brunch and dinner plans involve eating cereal on your couch while watching Law & Order reruns. Once the date has begun, your first stop is the Brooklyn Public Library at Eastern Parkway. They have all sorts of free events and workshops that you and your date can hit up. Plus, it makes you seem all sensitive and intelligent instead of a cheapskate. I suggest you crash one of the kids' reading events. It's silly and fun. Chicks dig that. 

If a librarian asks what you’re doing there without a child of your own, take your date’s hand and say “we actually just had our first and wanted to see the fun stuff we can look forward to bringing him to.” When the librarian congratulates you and walks away, turn to your date and giggle like the co-conspirators you are. Shit, that's such a brilliant move, go to the library ahead of time and find a librarian willing to give you a hard time. After the event, ask your date to find her favorite kid’s book and read it together. Show some damn interest in the lady, playboy!

Next up: a quick walk through Prospect Park. Yeah, it's cliche, but it fucking works. I think a lot of you dudes out there try so hard to be clever and think outside the box that you miss the best, most obvious date ideas. You're not in a Joseph Gordon-Levitt romantic comedy. Get over it. The real key is to drop interesting facts about the park, thus shaping your date’s experience and inviting interesting conversation. For instance, you can say: “Prospect Park was design by the same two men who designed Central Park. They actually consider Prospect Park superior because they improved on their original design.” You can also just flat out make shit up, like: “Did you know Barack Obama proposed to Michelle in Prospect Park? Right over there, not far from where we're walking now.” It’s not like she's gonna fact check you on Wikipedia. 

Olive Vine's hummus from Yelp user O.V.

Finally, suggest grabbing a quick snack. This is where your $20 is going to come in handy. Walk down to Olive Vine on 7th near Lincoln and St. John's. And did I mention it's BYOB? Oh yeah, son. You're gonna get drunk for cheap because on the way there you'll stop at any of our fine wine shops and get an $8 bottle of Yellow Tail. Yeah, I said Yellow Tail. If you haven’t charmed your date enough by this point to slip in some cheap booze, you haven’t been paying attention. Order one of Olive Vine’s hummus and veggie appetizers. It's so fucking tasty and just exotic enough that it'll add flair to the proceedings. I'm going to have to stop talking about their food now because I'm getting hungry.

And with that you've come to the end of your date. Walk her home if she lives in the hood, or to the subway if she's commuting. Hold her hand as you walk. Fucking kiss the girl, too. SHOW SOME SACK, BOY (but not literally). CHANNEL YOUR INNER KEVIN BACON.

Good luck out there.