Whassup: Celtic Tiger Edition

via gravitywear.com

Why is St. Patrick's Day the best holiday? I'll tell you why: Unlike Halloween, you do not need to fill up on calorie-heavy candy. You only have to fill up on beer. Unlike Thanksgiving, you do not have to gorge on turkey and terrible casseroles. You just need to fill up on beer. And unlike Valentine's Day, you don't have to say, "I love you" over a candle-lit dinner. You just need to slur, "I love you" to some rando in the pub at 4 in the morning. What I'm trying to say is: alcoholism is still funny if you're crass enough. So, get out there and drink like you mean it. Welcome to Whassup: Celtic Tiger Edition.

* Friday, March 15-Saturday, March 16: Brooklyn Country Cantina, SXSW: For any of you Slopesters down in Austin to see the local TX hipster fare (note: they're the same as they are here), you can catch some of Brooklyn's surprisingly quality country musicians while you're there. Or maybe you just want a remembrance of Brooklyn amidst all the alarming open space and lack of subway stank. Expect howls of "This band was made in…New York City!?" Except everyone there probably lived in Brooklyn for a time, anyway. Personal favorites include the Defibulators and Michaela Anne. Noon-late, both nights. $5. 

* Saturday, March 16: Erotic Fan Fiction, Union Hall: I think we can all agree that the characters in Harry Potter should have just been fucking each other. Like, the hell out of each other. And that's what fan fiction is for: to fill in the gaps (so to speak) that the wholesome J.K. Rowlings of the world neglected to address. Here, the LA-based fan fiction show comes to Brooklyn, bringing a set of comics to share their delightfully horrible sexual fantasies of Spock and Kirk, Mulder and Scully, and Papa Smurf and Smurfette. 8 pm, $10.

* Saturday, March 16-St. Paddy's: Irish Brunch, Jalopy Tavern: Now, I'm not going to make an Irish-drunk joke, but those of Celtic heritage sure do know how to whip up a hangover breakfast. Take advantage with Jalopy's new brunch service, with full Irish breakfasts -- including a hair-of-the-dog pint of Guinness. Don't worry about the calories. Most of them will be coming back out later in a torrent of green beer. 11am-3pm, $4 brunch pints. 

* St. Paddy's Day: Parade, Park Slope: Aye, a right wee parade, 'tis. Sorry. For that. So, yes. The Park Slope's parade of [insert lazy Irish stereotype here] begins at noon at PPW and 15th, then makes a loop around 15th St., 7th Ave., Union, and then back to PPW. Things will be green and hairs will be red and you can tell your children tales of the Brooklyn pubs of yore, filled with angry Irish immigrants instead of 20-something graphic designers. Noon. 

* St. Paddy's Day: Red-Head Burlesque: Speaking of red heads, Wasbassco, Bell House's regular burlesque show, brings its annual St. Paddy's all-scarlet-trussed performers. Prepare to be gingerly sexified. 8pm, $20. 

* Tuesday, March 19: Maude Storytelling, Tea Lounge: FiPS OG Kerri Doherty's "I Like You, Maude" storytelling open mic returns to the Lounge. Come, come: drown out the whines of toddlers and the never-ending clacking of MacBook keys with your funny, moving, and/or vaguely enjoyable true tale. Anyone can share, and there are often free baked goods served as bravery rewards. 7:30-9pm, FREE. 

* Tuesday, March 19: Demetri Martin, Bell House: He's funny at jokes. Late show not sold out as of this writing. So come see some of the best dryly delivered comedy this side of Steven Wright. 10pm, $35. 

* COMING UP: 

* March 30: Clean-Up Opening Day, Prospect Park: Spring feels good. Yeah. It feels good, because it makes it seem like death is temporary. Also, you can jog in the park again. But you can feel even better about spring by being a do-gooder for ONCE IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE! Sorry, you didn't deserve that. The point is: Prospect Park is starting up its volunteer corps again, with opening-day cleanup set for the end of the month. So grab your shittiest pair of jeans and your Park Slope-standard ability to feel morally superior, and go beautify our public places. 10am-1pm, FREE.