Top Five Reasons Why Park Slope Residents Will Not Get Ebola

via @KoolrPix/Twitter

Unless you've been trapped in a closet for the past 24 hours, you are probably well aware that the first case of Ebola has surfaced in New York City. Long story short, Dr. Craig Spencer, a 33 year old Harlem doctor who who recently treated Ebola victims in Africa while volunteering with Doctors Without Borders, was monitoring his own conidition and immediately called the authorities when he developed a fever on Thursday morning. What's got everybody up in arms are reports that he felt "sluggish" in the preceding days, but still went bowling in Williamsburg on Wednesday night.

Naturally, everyone is all EHRMAGEHRD, I MIGHT GET EBOLA BECAUSE ONE NEW YORKER HAS IT AND HE WENT BOWLING AND TOOK THE SUBWAY AND CALLED AN UBER AND WHY DID HE DO THAT WHEN HE FELT SLUGGISH!!!

Are there New Yorkers who don't feel sluggish? We talked to our friend, who we'll call Park Slope Doc, who reassured us that everyone needs to calm the fuck down, and helped us come up with a short list of reasons why we shouldn't worry about contracting Ebola:

1. You won't even stay in the same subway car with a homeless person, much less get within spitting distance of someone projectile vomiting and hemorrhaging from the eyes -- you have been practicing for this for years.
2. You haven't exchanged fluids with your husband in months. Why would you start with an Ebola patient?
3. You are more likely to catch gonorrhea from touching a used bowling ball in Williamsburg.
4. You need to be within 3 feet of Ebola to catch it -- just walk around with a hula hoop around your waist and people will definitely keep their distance.
5. You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose if he has Ebola.

Feel better?