This Rat Map

Image via nyc.govLookout Google Maps, there’s a new, interactive cartographic masterpiece in town. The New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene recently launched the Rat Information Portal, or RIP for short. See what they did there? Personally I would have shot for an acronym using the word RAT like Rodents Are There or Rats Are Terrible—I’m still ironing out the kinks. 

Disclaimer: the following paragraph is based on my lame rat map experience using my less than impressive, often mental-breakdown-inducing Time Warner Internet.

I successfully navigated to the map because I’m not a fucking idiot and was instantly perplexed. The fucking map took about a year to load. I watched an entire season of “Downton Abbey”, did my taxes, and rearranged my apartment while waiting for this shit to load. Anyone else having this trouble? I’m sure you bastards with FIOS know not this issue. 

In fairness to the RIP, once loaded, you can choose your desired location by borough, neighborhood, intersection, block, or zip code. Pretty righteous feature. Don’t let this fool you—the map still sucks. The damn thing is beautifully color coded (I’m exaggerating), but the key is sorty of hidden (you have to click where it says "Show Rat Inspections on the Map.")—so I made a key of my own.

YELLOW: “Hey Edna, is that rat shit on the stoop?”

ORANGE: “Yes Harold, I told you I saw one in the goddamn kitchen last week.  When the hell are you going to call 311?”

RED: Similar to the pig scene from “Hannibal” only starring Edna, Harold, and the rats.

Users are able to click on the yellow, orange, or red building of their choice to see the specs. This takes another lifetime to load and then tells you more info about the building itself that the rat infestation. For instance, one of the more colorful ratings is “active rat signs.” Does that mean the rats have built a tiny city inside your home with stoplights and glowing billboards—active rat signs?

You know what?  I don’t think we need an interactive rat map. We need a pied fucking piper. Let’s vote one hipster off the island and have him, or her, lead the little buggers through the tunnel to Jersey then lock the gate.  RIP, RIP.

VIA GOTHAMIST