The Ice Cream Man Is Ruining Lives

You have GOT to be fucking kidding me about this one, BREEDERS.

Thanks to the NYT, I've learned all about a sub-group of parents who have made it their life's mission to ban ice cream trucks.

I shit you not. Read all about it for yourself: When Parents Scream Against Ice Cream.

WHY IN THE FUCK would anyone want to ban the lovable, fun-filled ice cream truck, you might wonder? Because everytime their itty bitty bebes see the ice cream man they waaaaaannnnt soooooome. And then they crrrrrrrry. And it's soooooo HAAAAAAAAAAAAARD.

OF COURSE the first incensed mother featured in the article is a Park Slope rez--O-F C-O-U-R-S-E:

"Mother of 3-year-old Katherine, tenses when the vendor starts ringing his little bell, over and over, hoping her daughter doesn’t have the typical Pavlovian response.

Ever since Katherine had an inconsolable meltdown about not being able to have a treat, Ms. Sell has been trying to have unlicensed vendors ousted from the park. She has repeatedly called the city’s 311 complaint hot line, joining parents nationwide who can’t stand the icy man or his motorized big brother, the ice cream man."

Are you getting this, people??

If Katherine sees the ice cream man, she wants some--and if she doesn't get any, she cries. So as a fucking VIABLE solution to this issue, her mother has started stalking ice cream vendors in Prospect Park and reporting them to the authorities in the hopes that they are unlicensed. So then they will be banned, and have to pay huge fines, and won't be able to send money back to their family in Panama or wherever the fuck they are, and might not have enough cash to buy the baby formula they need for that week....or their rent. But, hey! At least Katherine won't have a meltdown!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAY!

Uhm, I have an idea.

It's kind of crazy, but stick with me here for a minute.

I don't know--I think I may have read something about this in a column written by Dr. Spock or some other parenting expert. It might sound kind of whacky, but if I recall, he was saying something along the lines of: if your kid asks for something that they are not allowed to have, tell them "no."

NO.

NO.

NO.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

WTF happened to just saying "no!"?

Now my ass has to show up at the Park all parched-n-shit wanting a nice cone to cool off, and I can't get one b/c KATHERINE isn't allowed to have any fucking ice cream???

Fuck. That. Noise.

UPDATE:Gawker has chimed in too. The mother in question here, Vicki Sell, apparently owns the Chip Shop on 5th Ave. You know, that place that sells fried candy bars-n-shit? But here's what she says in the NYT article about unhealthy food like ICE CREAM: "I'm not a health freak by any means...But I notice what happens to my daughter when she eats these sugar-filled things with all these additives."  

I'll take "totally fucking clueless" for $1000, Alex.

This shit scrambles my brain, people...for realz.