The FIPS Guide to BREEDER Essentials

Now that we've been named the BEST NABE IN THE UNIVERSE (KTHX), and Coffeegate has exploded, all eyes are on Park Slope.  So, we all have to look our ab-fab best.  Naturally, the BALLERS know how to work it, but BREEDERS, I'm worried about you.  (Especially those of you who've gotten, ahem, kicked out of Park Slope Parents and are currently lost, aimlessly wandering up and down Garfield Street faintly whispering, "What do I do with my life now?")  Never fear--FIPS is here to save your ass.  We have some swell recommendations for both you and that shining bastion of genetics-mâché you call your offspring.

When Arch Digest comes to shoot your Brownstone palace, make sure your infant is sleeping in style with the Zaky, a pillow to help wean your child away from separation anxiety from day 1, Jolly Green Giant-style:

A night on the town, perhaps at a bar?  Make sure Junior looks the part with the BabyToupee!  Pair it with some infant stilettos, and your daughter will go from bald and bug-eyed to Lil' Kim!

That trust fund running low?  Don't worry, we won't tell!  Stick your toddler into his very first cubicle, where, while playing Millie's Math House, he'll be primed to take corporate America by storm:

But let's not forget to treat ourselves, right?

MOM: You already took the first step up the mountain of PSP bullshit by purchasing a Bugaboo. Now, you can totally alienate yourself from the rest of normalized humanity with the Bugaboo iPhone mount!  Multitasking is easier than ever; use one hand to clean up the baby spittle from little Olivia's $795 chariot while the other is free to check your bank statement to make sure you have enough $ to keep paying your nanny off the books!

DAD: Let's break the mold!  You're not a corporate pig, you're a down-to-earth, loving father... and what better way to prove it to the masses than by letting little Cooper ride 'em, cowboy?  Not only will you win Dad-of-the-Year, but you'll be instilling in your child important lessons about power dynamics and entitlement.  Pick up a Daddle!

Don't worry about thanking us, BREEDERS.  We have your back.