the amish are trying to kill our children

Photo via www.g4tv.com

It used to be the case that when the Amish wanted to show contempt for our "modern" way of life, they would simply shun us. As we ignored their shunning by continuing to drive cars and wear zippers, they started cutting off our facial hair (luckily they couldn't get to the bearded hipsters of Brooklyn because it's a pain in the ass to get a buggy through the Holland Tunnel and over the Brooklyn Bridge. Plus it's against their religion to use EZPass).

But just because their earlier attacks have failed, don't think that we're safe from the raw, unbridled wrath of the Amish.  They've finally found a way to get to all of the miserable, pathetic, shabby-chic-addicted residents of Park Slope.  The Amish have begun to target our children by selling furniture that's been finished with delicious, succulent, flaky lead paint. They're doing this right here in our neighborhood!

According to two Park Slope moms who recently spoke with the Brooklyn Paper, multiple pieces of rustic furniture that they purchased from home-furnishing shop Trailer Park on Sterling Place and 6th Avenue tested positive for the presence of lead. It was more than six times the legal limit. The culprit? A table, bench and cabinet created from a barn's 100 year-old wood and decorated with chipped paint that was made by none other than The Amish. The discovery came after one mom had her one year-old baby's blood tested, which came back positive with excessive levels of lead. In case anyone has forgotten, lead poisoning can cause BRAIN DAMAGE in children.

We can't afford to just sit around reading for next Tuesday's book club, secure in the knowledge that the nanny is covering our shift at the Co-op.  This is serious!  We need a plan of action, and we need it NOW.  The Amish are angry.  They don't dance.  They're carriers of Maple Sugar Urine Disease.  And they are trying to kill our children.  We must stop them at all costs.

We're mostly kidding about this whole Amish thing, because what about the person who sold the furniture? Did he have the furniture tested? Sell the pieces with a "YOU MAY GET LEAD POISONING" disclaimer? It sounds unlikely. Trailer Park owner Chris Houghton had this to say to the Brooklyn Paper when confronted about the allegations: “If you have a child, and you’re concerned about it, don’t buy it."