SWM's of Park Slope: Fashion Trends to AVOID If You Ever Want To Get Laid Again

I had a spectacular lunch out yesterday with my boys, marred only by my irrational, instantaneous aversion to our waiter for the vain fool I pegged him for, purely on the basis of that snidely whiplash stache he was sporting.

My friend D: I know exactly which waiter you're talking about... We thought he was a moonlighting porn star... We were calling him "Buck Johnson"...

I was thinking more latter-day Village People.

Lately I can’t get down the streets of our great hood but for the mustaches.

If I’ve actually noticed this trend, I’m hoping it’s almost over. Because it’s a deal breaker! Very few dudes can carry off the mustache with panache and let me tell you, the rest of you look like potential stalkers and flashers, even if it is IRONY you are going for.

Because I CARE about you young would-be BALLERS and I’d like you to actually achieve some success in your balling, here is my list of fashion statements to avoid if you EVER want to get laid again.

(Ed. Note: There was so disagreement amongst FIPS contributors regarding several of these items, so we've included some annonation where appropriate):

1. THE MUSTACHE!!!!! (except when accompanied by beard) - MUSTACHES ARE ACTUALLY OK IF YOU ARE A BARTENDER AT AN ARTISINAL COCKTAIL BAR...OTHERWISE, YOU'RE A DOUCHE--ERIC.
2. Blonde High or Lowlights - IF YOU'RE A DUDE AND YOU GET YOUR HAIR HIGHLIGHTED AT ALL, I DON'T CARE WHAT THE COLOR, YOU'VE GOT MAJOR PROBLEMS --ERICA; Frankly, if you're a single dude -- gay or straight -- and you have blond highlights added, someone should just hold
   your entire head in the bucket of bleach.--ERIC.
   
3. Plucked Eyebrows (uggghhhhhh!) - I ACTUALLY TOTALLY DISAGREE ON THIS ONE, AND ERIC DOES TOO (Eyebrow management is important. Avoiding looking like Boy George in prison,
   equally so. Flying the middle space here is key--ERIC).
4. Too Much (really, any) Cologne (ALSO DISAGREEING HERE...THE PROBLEM IS THAT *MOST* DUDES DON'T UNDERSTAND IS HOW MUCH COLOGNE THEY SHOULD BE WEARING (I.E. NOT MUCH)--ERICA
   
5. Muscle Bound Upper Body On Top of Skinny Legs (the kind where you can no longer bend your arm)
6. Cubby Cuts or Feathered Hair
7. Pointy-Toed Shoes or Other Fancy Loafers - If you think people are going to notice your shoes for being exceptionally different or weird, whether it's pointy shoes or anything else, you shouldn't be wearing them. Unless you plan to move to Williamsburg--ERIC.
8. Hair Dye for Grays
9. Jewfros
10. Hair Product
11. Muscle T’s
12. True Religion or other designer jeans - EH, AGAIN WE PART WAYS. I WOULD SWITCH THIS TO READ "JEANS WITH ANY SORT OF SHIT WRITTEN ON IT, INCLUDING ANY LARGE SYMBOLS"--ERICA
    
13. Speedos
14. Those saggy jeans (doubly verboten to SWM)
15. Perpetual Tan

We women like a little grit, a little manliness in our boys, not to be confused with a complete lack of personal hygiene: clean is good. We just don’t want you looking like you spend more time in front of the mirror than we do.

According to an article last month in the New York Observer, hair salons are reporting that men are buying more product and putting more time in under the hot lights than women these days. Paul Andrew, co-owner of a salon on 17^th Street: “Men are more high maintenance than ever,” he said. “I’ve been doing hair 25 years, and I’ve never seen it like this.”

Ok, so bitch all you want in the comments below...it’s for your own good.