[RUSSIAN DOLLS RECAP] Episode 6: New Year, Old Grievances

Picture this: it's New Years (or Russian New Years...whatever the fuck that is? Is this like Rosh Hashanah or something, or do you people just take the word New Year's and slap the word "Russian" in front of it--I DON'T KNOW CAUSE NO ONE EVER MENTIONED IT). Anyway, picture yourself at an exclusive party, sitting around the table with all of your frenemies, and someone raises their glass to make a toast and says the following: you know what everyone, CHEERS TO ME! CHEERS TO MYSELF!

Cause that's pretty much how shit goes down in Brighton Beach.

I'm at the point where I can't really decide who I hate more: Anna, Anastasia or Diana. I pretty much hate them all with the fire of a thousand hot burning suns. They are all so incredibly self-involved, unself-aware, and just downright clueless about how to act like human beings, they're starting to make the cast of Jersey Shore look evolved. I rolled my eyes so much during last night's ep, they now hurt.

Right, so hooray! It's Russian New Years!--and apparently this is a big fucking deal. What I learned from this ridiculous show is that in Russian culture, in order to properly celebrate New Year's, you need to dress up like a slut, hurl insults at people (while telling everyone else at the table how "mature" you are) and basically make a gigantic fool of yourself. Happy New Year!

Again, none of this makes sense to me cause I still don't understand why ANY of these girls are speaking to each other after the last fight that they had a few weeks ago, but since none of this shit gets explained, I guess I'm supposed to assume that they made up.

But times have changed, and Diana and Anastasia don't like Anna again because they claim she's so self-involved. Now in fairness, Anna is ridiculously self-involved, but SO ARE THE OTHER TWO. They all act like selfish, obnoxious, whiny bitches, and then come off like they're acting like Jackie Kennedy. Diana and Anastasia don't like Anna cause she's prettier, case closed.

Of course the three of them go to see Eva, who is apparently a fortune teller, to find out what the year has in store for them. You don't have to be a goddamned fortune teller to know that what this year has in store for these three idiots: fights, fights, crying, fights and more fights. They decide to kick things off at Eva's, and so Diana basically tells Anna that she "doesn't care for her." Wonderful. This is gonna end well. 

Sidenote: I think they should change the format of this show next year. Picture this: Michael and Marina buy Eva a loft building in Williamsburg, where a bunch of obnoxious hipsters live. Eva can move in and be the Landlord/Super/RA of the buiilding...zaniness will ensure. Brilliant, right???

So, everyone is invited for a private New Year's Eve party at Rasputin, and blah, blah, blah: fighting, fighting and more fighting. Anastasia called Anna a "Russian Hillbilly." Marina and Michael get up at one point to tell these crazy harpies to stfu, and they all take that as an opportunity to bring their fight up to the next level. LET'S FIGHT HARDER! I *was* rather amused at how mortified Marina seemed by the fighting, when just a few weeks ago she and Sveta were Jello wrestling at the club, but whatevs.

The girls keep fighting and causing a scene. Marina and Michael need to intervene again and somehow Anna spins the story so hard in her favor, Diana and Anastasia end up getting booted from the club. BWHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA.

Anastasia's "best friend" Eddie is so concerned by this development, he decides to dirty dance with Anna (and Albert, obvs) to take his mind off the fact that his bff is celebrating the New Year outside in the parking lot.

NEXT WEEK:

Diana gets her lips tattooed and her bod spray tanned. Anyone care? Didn't think so.

Looking for my past recaps? They're right here.