Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

Host a foreign exchange student

Better Off Dead is one of my favorite movies. 80’s John Cusack gets dumped and becomes suicidal. There is drag racing and an evil paperboy. The film’s climax is a ski race. It’s a dark comedy. The love interest is a foreign exchange student. You can reenact at least part of this movie by hosting this foreign exchange student. Chinese kids are the future of America.

Pick up my son from school

Kids are a pain in the ass. The way they need you to feed and clothe them. Shit’s annoying. And the way they can’t drive themselves anywhere. Can’t you just be older?!? God. This parent understands. His punk ass son actually goes to school and expects a ride home. As a parent what do you do? Obviously, you leave an ad on Craigslist that your kid will be alone after school waiting for a ride home. Better throw in the school name too so predators people can find it. CPS being called on these parents isn’t enough. Judge Dredd should show up at their door and execute them. And that’s just for typing “plz” instead of please.

MISSED CONNECTION: Imaginary Girlfriend

Usually if you call somebody a dream woman in a missed connection you are referring to an actual woman. As in somebody that was born of flesh and walks the earth. This guy is talking about a woman from his dreams. Dreams he’s been having since he was 12 and hasn’t been able to find in the real world. Aside from the most obvious problem with this (he’s fucking crazy)…she’s 6 foot tall and “strong” and “doesn’t mind that I cry.” and his favorite comfort food is melon. I’m sorry if this is some heteronormative bullshit but maybe the reason he can’t find his dream woman is because she’s a man. Looking at the wrong gender, amigo.

MISSED CONNECTION: Christmas party

This 50 year old man is posting about a woman he met at a Christmas party years ago. It’s short but you can feel his passion. He’s not even writing in the hopes of her seeing it. He just feels it so strongly he needs to shout it at the sky. This is the kind of Craigslist post I would (do?) write. Very message in a bottle. It’s better to have loved and farttttttttttt.

PERSONALS: A poet is born           

I’ve been writing this feature for a couple of months now. This is the first time I’ve been kind of creeped out. Some guy has been posting “poet speak” in the personals of Craigslist all week. This is one of them. I wrote some terrible poetry in college but I don’t really know much about what makes a poem or not. I thought maybe this is a poem because of it’s structure? Like a haiku? I read a Yahoo Answer to the question “What is a six line poem?” that said “6 lines too many.” I’m okay applying that to our Poet of Craigslist. Stay out of the underwear drawer, bro. That’s not cool.

FREE: Creatures with wings

Whimsical glass figurines are looking for a new home. They are small and smooth enough to fit in your bottom. Maybe the poster should try that first? Clearly he or she is attached to them emotionally. Making that attachment physical seems like the logical next step. If you or your bottom is interested in taking them and you are available to pick up on Monday drop them an e-mail.