Park Slope – Craigslist Blotter

HIRING: Talde

Talde is hiring! They need a line cook for “garde manger” which means you’ll be dealing with cold food. Preparing salads. Or fruit and stuff. Yuck city, I know. So if you worked at an Edible Arrangements before this might be for you.

AVAILABLE: SENSUAL TOUCH

Hand jobs provided by Ariel and Mimi. Fake names, fake pictures, fake offer. Show up and get murdered, see if I care.

FOR SALE: BEER FEST TICKET

I don’t know what this asshole is talking about that he’s giving you a good deal but whatever. $35 ticket to the beer fest. It’s at Skylight One Hanson this Friday. I’ve never heard of this spot but it looks really cool.

Open Mic Night

I like to drink. I don’t like to pay a lot for them. So I dig BYOB. Athena was my happy place when they were BYOB. This is a BYOB event. It’s an open mic night where they provide full band equipment. You might just see somebody step up and play a bitchin’ drum solo. This sounds fun.

AVAILABLE: Mary Poppins

There is a new Mary Poppins movie coming out. Tom Hanks is in it. So at first blush I thought this was clever viral marketing. That’s just me though. All sorts of clever. This is a real English nanny though. She has amazing credentials. Cool.

MISSED CONNECTIONS: What’s your man got to do with me?

A woman refused this man’s request for her number because she has a boyfriend. Now he’s asking for it again because she’s so hot. And I guess because he’s a pig. Ladies, not all men are this obnoxious.

MISSED CONNECTIONS: He shoots, he scores?

I want to make fun of this guy’s picture badly. It’s a target and I’m Robin Hood ready to shoot my arrow up the ass of anybody else’s arrow in the bullseye. He’s 20 though. And an Islander fan. He’s also fully aware that he might have imagined this connection and even if he didn’t he knows Craigslist is a miracle longshot. That makes him endearing. At least to me. Good luck buddy.

MISSED CONNECTIONS: S’nice to meet you.

Oh Lloyd. Lloyd. If there is one thing I know it’s when a woman is ignoring me. I’m going to make an easy connection here that by “Look busy” you meant she was “staring at her phone.” This is going to be hard to hear but that’s a classic stall tactic, Lloyd. She’s waiting for you to be somewhere else. Probably because she is more attractive than you and there is no such thing as love. I’m sorry.

MISSED CONNECTIONS: The direct approach.

Hey, Mel Kiper Jr., I’m liking the scout’s take you are giving me here.  However, I feel like there was a real missed opportunity. When you’re hitting us with facts it makes it so much more straightforward.  You’re coming at her. Then you just stop though. What was this just to say hi? Wtf? Don’t come so strong and then not end it with “We should bang.” This is anonymous Craigslist. There is nothing to be afraid of here.