Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

AVAILABLE: Hypnobirthing

Welcome to a special Mother's Day edition of the Craigslist Blotter! Now, where do moms come from? Well they come from babies. I don't want to get all technical but their lady biz gets all itchy when it happens so they need something to ease that. And the latest Park Slope fad is Hypnobirthing. The same technique that is used to get people to stop smoking or cluck like a bird when you say "sassafras" can provide you with a discomfort free childbirth. For you. Not the kid. He'll still be crying his eyes out. Oh and it'll be incredibly helpful If you aren't in the 25% of the population that is unhypnotizable.

FOR SALE: Teapot              

You can't just take her to brunch you lazy son of a…mom. It's time for gift shopping for Mother's Day. I looked at the antiques available in the neighborhood and this is the first thing that struck me. It's a 500 dollar teapot. That's leaves and water. That's 500 dollars. You don't put bourbon in it or nothing?

AVAILABLE: Summer Camp           

Mom needs some time to herself. You know she used to be in a band? She gave up her music for this shit. So let's send the kids to summer camp. It'll give her a few hours a day to burn a j and reminisce about the good times.

FREE: P*ssy Couch

You might not have the 500 clamshells to buy that teapot. Or maybe you do and you don't want to spend it. I get it. That's Jet Ski money. Also maybe your mom is the more adventurous type. That was presumptuous of me to just assume she was a boring tea lady. So here is a couch shaped like a pussy. Happy Mother's Day.

MISSED CONNECTION: A Missed, MISSED CONNECTION

Moms need romance. Here are some sweet Craigslist lullabies to sing her. A Missed Connection actually found its target here in Park Slope! From the help of our Blotter perhaps? We'll never know. But yes. I'm sure of it. We're doing god's work here. Sadly, the poster couldn't reply in time. No. No. No. No. NOOOOOO.  So now she's putting her own Missed Connection up. I'm not a praying man but fingers crossed for these two.

MISSED CONNECTION: Che bella!

I'm assuming this charming Italian man works at a restaurant and he's talking about a regular customer. While he doesn't have a firm grasp of English he sure knows the language of love. He's 36 with an athletic build and green eyes. His flaxen, windblown hair moves away as he squeeze your mom's lithe body in his arms. They are posed like they're on the cover of a romance novel until they collapse to the ground and bang like wild animals. Their guttural moans are loud enough to be heard over the din of the Sotto Voce Mother's Day Brunch crowd. The tip is built in all right. And I don't know if she's going to let him have it back after she's done with it.