Paradise Lost (Or Why City Folk Should Never Move To The Suburbs)

Last summer, a lifelong Park Slope pal of mine was dragged kicking and screaming from her childhood home to a "better life" in the burbs of CT. You can probably still find her fingernails carved into the sidewalk in front of her old house. Right next to that pile of dog shit somewhere on President or Carroll or maybe Garfield. I'm not saying 'cause she's going incognito. 

As my suburban spy approaches her first anniversary, I asked her to fill us in on life beyond Park Slope. Think of her as our very own deep throat. No, not that one. The Watergate one, you dumbasses. 

Lest we forget, let this cautionary tale serve as a reminder of all the things we should be grateful for in our not so humble hood. Even though we may sometimes feel that Park Slope IS practically a suburb, it's really not.

Are the suburbs the new city? Here's what Details Magazine says...

Long-ignored suburban outposts are being rebuilt with cool arts facilities and retro-chic cafés. In short, the things we always thought we needed cities for—decent sesame noodles, fabulous eyewear, lesbians—are now available where once there were only Aunt Goldie and her mahjong group. 

“From a cultural standpoint, cities are becoming less interesting and the suburbs are increasingly where the action is,” says Joel Kotkin, author of The City: A Global History. “Partly because of the freedom the Internet gives us, but also because cities have become homogenized, inhospitable, and expensive beyond belief, people now live by the ethos of ‘everywhere a city,’ even if they’re in an outer ring, an outer-outer ring, or beyond.”

Uh, not so much. Also, I'm throwing up a little in my throat. Also, this is utter BS.

Is it quiet in the suburbs as compared to Brooklyn? 

Quiet? What quiet? With so many lawns around, there is the constant roar of mowers (these are serious mowers: ride-on power machines that you probably need a license to operate), and also a cacophony of angry leaf-blowers.

Is it nice having a big backyard?

A large backyard is nice. But there are some downsides. First, they are expensive (ie. the mowing and leaf blowing, above). I was completely unprepared for the weekly lawn bill. Second, big yards means people never venture far from their homes. Public parks are ghost towns—a far cry from the Prospect Park meadow on a sunny Saturday.

Is it cheaper or more expensive in the suburbs?

Remember the lawns? Add to that snow plowing in the winter (we spent $600 on snow removal this year), heating a large detached house (three times what I spent in Brooklyn), having your sprinkler system turned on and off for $125 a pop, filling your car with gas weekly rather than monthly, and exorbitant property taxes. No question, the burbs are more expensive.

Are people friendlier out of the city?

People rarely leave their homes in the suburbs. When they do, they get into their cars while still in the house (attached garage) and drive away. You drive to the supermarket, you drive your kids to school, you drive to the gym, you drive to work. There is no impromptu socializing on 7^th Avenue. There is no small talk with neighbors when walking down the street. Because you do not see your neighbors. And you do not walk down the street. I’ve always wondered, when driving around the suburbs, where are the people? I just don’t get it. 

Would you say the suburbs of NYC are more or less homogenized than latter-day Park Slope?

We are surrounded by some lily-white suburbs, but my suburb has a diverse population. This is most apparent in the public schools, where they bus in students in order to maintain a racial balance. Here is a sampling of my son’s second grade class (first names only): Joel, Genesis, Nayeli, Jagger, Yeferson, Tylon, Giselle, Angel, Sanjay, Estibaly, Ayaire, Alondra, Zyaire, Jasani, Otoniel, Brianna, Alejandro, Caitlyn, Davarshee, Ahhsha, Noa, Quanyia, Teagan, Skylar, and Christopher. Try finding those letter combinations at P.S. 321. Granted, I haven’t seen any people of color around my cul de sac… when in fact I see any people at all (see friendly suburbs, above).

Are "breeders" more or less obnoxious in the suburbs than in Park Slope? What's the main parenting style and does it differ from here?

Because there are no sidewalks (and nowhere to go anyway), in my suburb, there are no strollers blocking your path. The playgrounds are practically empty, so there’s no helicopter parenting. Mostly, kids are free to run in and out of their houses, leaving parents to do other stuff inside. A friend and her daughter were visiting this weekend. While our kids played outside, my friend kept popping up to the window, nervously checking that her daughter was still there. I didn’t.

Do they have key parties out there?

Ugh. If they do, we haven’t been invited.

Is a bigger house better spacewise, or are you all just hanging out in one room anyway?

There is no question: bigger is better. We USE the space. We LOVE the space. Space, space, space.

What’s the grocery shopping like?

The supermarkets here are intimidating. It takes forever to get through them. And if you forgot something from aisle two, add ten minutes to your trip. There’s no popping in for one item—going to the supermarket is a commitment. On the plus side, I no longer have to break my arms lugging my groceries, or push them home in a granny cart. And speaking of food, take-out in the suburbs really is either Chinese or pizza. (Ironically, much as Park Slope used to be in the ‘80s and ‘90s).

Do you miss the Food Coop?

On our moving day, my husband and I tore through the Coop, loading up two shopping carts with kale chips and grass-fed beef (seven months later, we are down to our last frozen brisket). I miss the low prices and the Coop’s manageable size. I miss popping in for a few items while out on 7^th Avenue. And, yes, I miss the community. I don’t miss long lines, “workers” who shrug when you ask for help finding something, and having to work for my food.  

Do you have a garbage disposal?

Yeah, but it’s broken.

Do you regret leaving the city?

Yes, every day.