NY Observer Offers Hilarious Fashion Tips for Park Slope Food Coop Members

Image via New York Observer/StyleIn case you’ve been scratching your head and scrounging through your closets trying to find the perfect outfit to wear to the Park Slope Food Coop (and haven’t we all been there?), The New York Observer recently completely ran out of ideas offered up some solutions to this very vexing, but all-too common, dilemma.

Before we get to the runway, though, I’d like to address a couple of inaccuracies, on behalf of the Coop, of which I am a member in long – and usually good – standing. People – including me, and every person I’ve ever met in Park Slope – love to goof on the Coop.  I get it: it’s low-hanging, organic fruit! But just as some extremists 20+ years ago stood outside movie theaters to protest Scorsese’s The Last Temptation of Christ (and not because of the accents) without having seen the movie,* there are writers out there, usually on the Internets, who bust the Coop’s balls without ever having stepped foot in it (or on its balls). For example:

Quote: “…the Brooklyn cooperative has been spelling out s-a-v-i-n-g-s for its exclusive, wait-listed-then-accepted band of 16,000 members…”

Correction: The Co-op always has been, and remains, open to ANY AND ALL. We’re a bunch of fucking hippies, remember?

Quote: “…if you work in the creative industries in New York and are fortunate, well-planned and well-connected enough to belong to the Coop….”

Correction: See above. ANYONE can join. We’re a bunch of fucking socialists, remember?

While I enjoyed the Observer’s sartorial suggestions, I’m not sure they really get us, or (see above), have ever been inside the Co-op. Allow me, a member of a dozen+ years, to offer a few experience-based alternatives.

1. You’re never going to be able to bend down and grab the spices from the lowest shelf in a tight pencil skirt. Instead: flowy elastic-waist linen pants from J.Jill allow freedom of movement. Then you can go run out and teach that sociology class at the New School without missing a beat.

2. You do need a headcovering when working in the Food Processing Dept, but that chic bandana ain't gonna cut it. But the coop provides hairnets! So you can play cafeteria lady while you bag mangoes.

3. Who wouldn't want a $369 peasant blouse, but why schlep all the way to Barney's when that Tibetan store on 7^th Ave has affordable hippie-type shirts – shop local!

4. Climbing up on one of those little roll-y stools to reach the heavy Airstream CO₂ cartridges in heels? Not advisable. Stick with gender-neutral Keens ®.  And when you inevitably stub your toe on a box of bananas, they’ve got that rubber tire piece in the front to soften the blow.

5. If anybody at the Co-op is wearing a plaid shirtdress, he or she (Note: One should never assume someone wearing a dress is female, ok?) got a vintage 70’s one at Beacon’s Closet. Or made it out of the dishtowels sold there. Reduce, reuse, recycle!

Oh, and one more thing. In response to this quote:

“…Or, who’s watching the kids while I cover my shift?  That last one—despite perhaps a steady supply in Park Slope—should never be farmed out to your nanny, by the way…”

Correction: Beside the fact that this sentence doesn’t quite make sense, everyone knows the Co-op offers FREE childcare to all members. What idiot would pay for babysitting when you can stash your child upstairs in a small room with a bunch of drooled-on toys and free bagels! Do some research, New York Observer! Or just call me. I love to make jokes about the Co-op.

* Don’t question my analogy; this is exactly like that!