NEWSFLASH: Street Fairs Are Stupid

I have been enamored with "street fairs" since landing in New York (take note of my quotations: it's the sound of those two little magical words that gets me going, not the actual fairs themselves).

I foolishly dream about perfect ears of corn and and dainty slices of pecan pie, but then a huge gust of wind blows over a piled-high trash can and my summer idyll is blown to pieces. I finally realized this past Sunday at the Fabulous (really?) Fifth Avenue Fair that these weekend blocked-off affairs are fucking annoying...and, almost always, total letdowns.

I'll cop to the fact that I DID go in with some anti-kid bias [ed note: that can't end well at a Park Slope Street Fair...no way, no how]. Like the little Amelie gnome, this kid playing the raspiest toy trumpet kept appearing at my side. Couple that with the wooshy sounds of a moon jump and accompanying screams from jubilant, self-important brats, and I was feeling much like BALLER usually does.

Adults, I kind of hate you too. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but there were so many PEOPLE! So many fucking people..and all moving v-e-r-y slowly. I mean, was that shitty band covering a Doors song really worth stopping for? Does that sub-par sausage sandwich warrant a line 20 people deep? Did you actually fall for the that "World's Softest Socks" bit, and did you have to block my way to hear it?

Like a herd of cattle, we mosey along looking at stupid wind chimes and greasy mozzarepas, and pretend we're having fun.

"Street fair:" I'm totally over you.

Ok, so give it to me straight: what's your least favorite part of these shit fests?

P.S.: The only saving grace of this craptacular event was a sign from Blue Ribbon that said "Naked Nuggets." You got my one smile of the day.