[New Girl] In Park Slope
Effed in Park Slope | Friday, December 19, 2008 at 12:15AM 
This is an ongoing series in which we attempt to bring you lots 'o different perspectives on what its like to *actually* live in Park Slope...from readers just like you (or not--that's the whole point).
This week: meet a randy, non lez, SF ex-pat, former Billyburger, future literary wunderkind wannabe: Caitlin.
I am new in town. Fresh off a plane from sunny, beautiful, familiar SF.
It's scary here! Maybe!
I have no tour guide, and Park Slope, (unlike my old Brooklyn stomping ground of Williamsburg), is actually more than one street long. Will I get lost? Will I fumble? Will I fall and scrape my knees? What is the best block to do that on? Stay tuned as I foolishly man-handle Park Slope like a drunk with an heirloom tomato at a Slow Food Farmer's Market on a Sunday. Am I speaking your language yet? Am I?
So I've heard a lot about this little navel of Brooklyn. Some dumb shit that is totally not true and some dumb shit that probably is. I've come up with 5 major things I keep hearing about Park Slope (which I'm sure you've heard too) and I responded with my honest opinions. Clearly I have no idea what I am talking about, which is sort of why I am writing for this blog in the first place.
5 Rumors I've heard about Park Slope:
1. "There are lots of babies. Babies and strollers and breastfeeding in public. You will be a mommy or hate mommys in no time. Also you will see a lot of exposed nursing boobs."
You know what, I've actually never been a mommy before but I sort of think the whole "Park Slope is where pregnant ladies and their professor husbands go to do the parent thing" makes perfect sense. I mean, Park Slope seems suburban-y enough, but it still has all the perks and charms of living in a city. Like rats. And fancy salads with organic shit in them. And botanical gardens. And bars you can go to instead of sleeping on the couch. If (when???) I have human puppies, I will probably still live in a city. Probably Atlantic City though. Better bar scene.
2. "I've heard there's also lots of lesbians. The educated, kinda cute, sneaker wearing...oh, I'm sorry, wait....are you a lesbian?"
I'm glad you asked. No, I am not a lesbian (sorry ladies!) but if I was I would totally live in Park Slope...for all the same reasons I am living in Park Slope as someone who digs dudes. I like expensive coffee, cheap alcohol, gourmet sandwiches, Tegan and Sarah, books by old men and transsexuals, watching movies with friends, eating out (at restaurants! grow up!) and PSlopey seems to pander to all those things. But I also like boys and men. More men than boys these days, just FYI. I am looking for a man who is something between a Sugar Daddy and Henry Littleboots (my cat) and preferably lives in the city so I can stay over after class. I don't know why I just said that. Okay, anyways, lesbians! Yes! Let me remind you, I just moved from San Francisco, so being shocked by the dense population of lesbians would be like someone moving from Naples to Rome and being like, "Giuseppe, there sure are a lot of Italians here! How come nobody told me?!"
3. "Everyone from San Francisco lives in Park Slope. Williamsburg is too judge-y for those kind hippie souls."
Someone at a bar actually told me this last night. He said, "I mean, as an ex-SFer myself, I am saying you are going to meet a lot of other San Franciscans in 'the Slope' (ed note: actually Ditmas Park is the new San Francisco...haven'tcha heard?) It will feel like home. You will do well. I promise" He then winked with his right eye and threw the long end of his scarf over his shoulder and trotted out of the bar like a Psychic Christmas Elf of my dreams. But really, I get it. I actually moved from Williamsburg to San Francisco for all the reasons I moved from San Francisco to Park Slope. Shit was small. I knew everyone. I missed my mom. Whatever. The point is, I am cool with living in an ex-pats of SF enclave. The way I see it, the more ex-San Franciscans I have as neighbors, the better chance I have of scoring cheap weed.
4. "If you are a writer, you will get a book deal. Or at least get to meet some other writers or something."
They said this about San Francisco too, but it turns out you have to have tits and a dick at the same time or some equivalent of that to get a book deal out there. Which is cool, I want to read about that stuff, but I mean, author-heroes say write what you know and so on and blah forth, and well, I lack a weenie. True story. Anyways, I actually do think a book deal is in my future, so I am happy to be part of the Park Slope literary canon. And I will tell people this, every Thursday night at Buttermilk, around 11:30 o'drunk.
5. "You are the Afghanistan of Brooklyn. Nobody can find you on a map."
When I told my friends I were moving back to Brooklyn they were all, "YAY!!!" and then I told them where at and they were all, "oh." One of them even called it "Gowanus". Your mom is a Gowanus! But seriously, fuck you guys. It's close to three trains and I have a back yard. So sit and spin motherfuckers (on my middle finger). Who ya gonna call when you want to get drunk and sunbathe nude in August? Oh, your little friend Caitlin, that's who. So grab some Rolling Rock and bearded man-candy for moi and get your stupid Greenpoint asses over here jerks.
It's Park Slope Time!
Join our ongoing series: [insert ethnicity/religion/sexual orientation/occupation here] "...in Park Slope." We want everyone repped, so whoever you are, we wanna hear from you. Black in Park Slope? Lez in Park Slope? Puerto Rican in Park Slope? Bitter Mom in Park Slope? Email us
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Reader Comments (7)
SF misses you.
and i used to live in "The Slope" though that was a while ago now. and i'm sure i contributed to 3 out of 5 of those rumors and i fully support their truth.
love you
-P-
that was amazing.
She sounds hot. Post pics.
I am kind of upset to find out that if I stay in SF, and want a book deal I will need to get a penis attached. Bummer, that seems painful and I doubt my hub will be into it. Oh well, he's had 2 good years of marriage.
"but it turns out you have to have tits and a dick at the same time or some equivalent of that to get a book deal out there."
.....seriously?
If you are a writer, you will get a book deal.
Uhh, yeah, no. You will, however, probably see Steve Buscemi.
Or at least get to meet some other writers or something.
Yes, unless you mean famous ones. Supposedly it's where all the famous ones live, but in all my time hanging out there, I never saw any of them. They're recluses. Or writing. So I guess that figures. Also, I think they really live in Brooklyn Heights. The babies probably drove them crazy. That one's definitely true. Babies in bars! For real.
i really hope no tits and a 2cm dicklet is worth a book deal, too. it'd be a big bummer to be the wrong kind of trans.