New DNA Tracking System Puts 43 Park Slope Dogs to Death
Benjamin | Friday, February 6, 2009 at 6:56AM 
Just kidding alright, I don't wanna kill your fucking dogs. BUT, that being said, I did just step in a gigantic yellowish brown turd of dogshit which means I now have to sit in the freezing cold with toothpicks cleaning the ridges of my fucking shoe.
So while I was doing this, I came up with a brilliant technological invention I want your opinion of. Call me Ray Fucking Kurzweil.
Here's the idea - consider yourself NDA'ed - don't fucking tell ANYONE about it, and I'm only telling you, so if I randomly hear that someone else is talking about it I'll know it was YOU that leaked it, no offense.
Under my plan for a new America / Park Slope, All Dogs would have to register their DNA with a local bureau - I know you people already have to get dog licenses and shit, so it's probably not that much more work - they can do it with a q-tip swab of the bastard's inner cheek.
Then, I'm not saying that nazis should roam the streets looking for dogshit or anything, but say that someone like me steps in a big hunk of yellow goosh - I can photograph it, place it into a small baggie, and bring it into a conveniently located facility where they will run tests on it and track down the responsible canine.
I understand it's not the dog's fault - he just shits all over the place like a filthy animal. Alright, don't kill the poor thing. I'm already starting to feel bad. Just give the owner a ticket or something.
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Reader Comments (7)
As a Park Slope dog owner who ALWAYS picks up poop and puts it in a bag, I get really frustrated when I see dog poop on the ground too. Dog owners have no excuse for not cleaning up after their pets.
What I want to know is how come the horse owners in Prospect Park can leave giant mountains of crap on the jogger's path and get away with it?
You should apply your DNA tracking system to those horses and turn those bitches into glue.
Yet again, Mr. lus is the eternal voice of reason. HOW THE FUCK do those horses get a pass on this whole sitch?
Has anyone else noticed the dos shit situation is way worse than it used to be? Is it a seasonal thing, like certain dog owners think their dog's crap literally doesn't stink when the weather's cold? Because I can't tell you how many times I've accidentally walked in or rolled a stroller through a pile of shit this winter. DISGUSTING. At least horse crap doesn't smell that bad.
dos = dog. Though I suppose the DOS situation is also fairly crappy. (computer joke!)
For a much smaller investment, you can 1) get a pair of glasses so you can see the shit before you step in it, and 2) grow a pair of balls so that the next time you see an asshole dog owner not picking up after his pooch, you can call him out on it.
Full Gonzo Solution: Load a super-squirter with dogshit water from a previous offender. [While cleaning your boots, you may as well make soup for them] Follow a prospect around until he/she/it is proven derelict in his/her/it's duty. Ahem. Boolean Confrontation:
INPUT SAY YOUR DOG IS INNOCENT, YOU JUST SHIT ON MY BLOCK AND YOU LEFT IT THERE IN ESSENCE. CAN YOU PLEASE PICK IT UP?
OKAY, I WILL, SORRY - GO TO CHECK
NO, I'M IN PAIN/SICK/RETARDED - GOTO WARN
WARN - YOU ARE GOING TO WEAR THAT SHIT.
OKAY, SORRY, I WILL PICK IT UP. - GO TO CHECK
ACTION - AT 8FT PULSE SUPERSQUIRTER DOGSHITWATER AT
MOST EXPENSIVE CLOTHING OF TRANSGESSOR. SAY
IF I SEE YOU AGAIN ITS THE EYES AND MOUTH.
CHECK MAKE SURE PICK UP DONE IF NOT GOTO INPUT
END NO FURTHER ACTION
Seriously. There is dogshit all over the slope - I've lived here almost a decade and it's never been this bad...