Mom's Advice: Cock Semen Cures Colds

Mama Fratelli, The Goonies

My mother is a creature of habit. She works as a floral designer weekdays from 9-5 and takes her Yorkshire Terrier Callie to the groomer every third Tuesday. Each night at exactly 9:00 she climbs into her Queen-sized bed, pours a glass of Cabernet and watches the evening news. At 10:00 on the dot she calls me in Park Slope. It's fitting that this is also her name, Dot.

Typically during these phone calls she regales me with whatever wacky news story has piqued her interest that night (see: "There's this man in Milwaukee who was arrested for shooting his lawn mower!”  to which I reply, "Was he arrested for invoLAWNtary manslaughter?" She does not laugh at this.) 

But last night she called to check in on me and this weird, lingering cold I've had that seems entirely inappropriate for summer. Luckily mama had JUST the cure.

Mom: If you're still not feeling well go to the drug store and get that cold medicine. Oh, what's it called... Oscillo-cock-semen. Something like that.

Me: So it's something, cock, semen?

Mom: Yeah, I think it's for women.

 Me: I see.

 Mom: Oh. I just said, 'Cock Semen'. No, don't say that at the drug store. Just ask for the Oscillo-something medicine. But the rest of it sounds like 'Cock Semen'.

 Me: ...

 Mom: Please don't write about this.**

 Me: ...

Mom: I have to go. Callie just peed on the rug.

[click. dial tone.]

Mama, I love you. And thanks for referring the homeopathic medicine. I'm already feeling the effects of the cock semen. 

Happy Mother's Father's Day weekend, everyone! 

**Dot has since announced "take-sies back-sies" on that statement and is totally fine with this.