MISS TRANSIT AUTHORITY: Classon G to Metropolitan L; Misc
Nadine | Wednesday, February 11, 2009 at 6:21AM 
You probably thought MTA stood for "Metro Transit Authority," but round here it stands for "Miss Transit Authority." Every couple of weeks, Nadine (aka MissTA) will take you for a ride on the rails (or, fuck it, on a bus) like you've never taken before. Whenever possible, real pics and names will be used to embarrass people, cause what do we care?
I stare at subway advertisements, hard, and get close, disturbingly close, in order to relate ideas so estranged from reality - waffle meat patty sandwiches, 'Rock of Love's' STD cocktails, Renee Zellweger - to my own. Since I quit therapy, they're useful vehicles for self-actualization. Recent highlights:
1. 14 Foot Long (or, Fucking Scary Homage to China's Glorious Cultural Pageantry)
I assume this majesty:
Inspired this:
What the fuck IS this? Seriously?
More importantly, why can't I get over it? I'm tortured, distracted, and beseeching other commuters to help me understand if this is canny marketing or just freaky and lame.
Here's the current list of possibilities, from my recent polling:
* If you want sandwich, people... are, um....dragon? Its kind of an ESL Taoist thing, but lacks narrative.
* China is a burgeoning global superpower? What does that have to do with tuna?
* Angry and impatient midtowners who don't order online become snaggle-toothed creatures?
Oh shit. I just realized, that's probably what it is! That feels sublime! That feels like ordering an iridescent turkey sub online and picking it up without turning into a nonsensical appropriation of a cultural icon! Oh man, that feels like a good, post-fast food shit.
Pressing on in the interest of personal discovery:
2. SAG AFTRA or The DTs (or, You Can't Have it All, Smelly)
Across from this the other night:
Was this:
The guy in the poster is endearingly unrealistic; just get a Brooklyn Heights actor/father/ BAM cater waiter to put the razor down for a few days. His problem? Not a pesky case of untreated schizophrenia and inability to pay for anti-psychotic drugs. No, he's just too proud to ask for help. And the MTA is going to give it to him. The result? Heart tugging, palatable. I not only wouldn't pretend to be asleep if this hale and trustworthy fellow panhandled on my car, I would purchase any General Mills product he might hawk during commercial breaks for 'Medium'.
But the other gentleman (the real one muttering feet from me) indicts me as heartlessly superficial. Is it a personal and spiritual failure that I'd buy cereal from the poster version of this dude, but turn up my Ipod when this one, the red herring from a Law & Order episode ( "But Frank- it was YOUR box Father Garcia was last seen crouching over..."), asks me what time it is?
Naw, wait. Duh. This isn't my problem! Pretty Things ARE just More Good.
Thank you, backstage.com, for providing a face for the homeless population's struggles. And, in turn, teaching them the power to stand, look themselves in the mirror, and do the hardest thing anyone can do...soft palate exercises for a Kraft Singles commercial.
I feel appreciative for a forum in which to air some daily internal struggles. I'm still working through this one: 
As I'm reminded of this:
Please note, this is a stock image of Orcs. I have never been to Mordor. But they scare me less than giant Percoset-snorting whores marching from E. 78th street into the Classon street station.
MissTA 
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Reader Comments (7)
I'm anxious to find out how you work through your struggle over the uptown whores. Cut them some slack though, it's going to be really hard out there trying to live on 500K.
The Real Orcs of Mordor. Now THAT'S reality television I'd watch.
OMG, the Orc pic, that's hysterical.
Pretty Things ARE just More Good... i'm glad there are things we can still agree on
... and p.s. -- the bum in that poster - totally hot.
that Subway ad has been bugging the hell out of me- I can't shake it
...yeah, that Subway ad, it has been bugging me too! Thanks for shedding some light on it.