Lot’s O’ Local Shit at New Whole Foods Opening Today

The new Whole Foods on the outskirts of Park Slope seems to be embracing local small businesses (the way my creepy uncle used to embrace me, but that’s not what this is about). Here’s a bunch that’s you’ll be able to get your grubby hands on starting today:

NYCutlery:

Brooklyn guy, Christ Harth built some of the store’s working counter and tabletops using reclaimed wood from RE-CO BKLYN. He makes custom cutting boards and knives and he’ll be in the store to sharpen your blades for 5 bucks a pop most days. Good news for the teenage girls of Park Slope who are going through their cutting phase.

Van Leeuwen Artisan Ice Cream from Greenpoint & Steve’s Ice Cream from Williamsburg:

They’ll be lots of vegan pints of the Van Leeuwen stuff for people who don’t like yumminess. Steve’s will have a few new extra flavors just for the Gowanus store. Toxic Sludge Fudge. Yum!

Rice and Miso Everyday:

Sustainable and organic and brown rice, oh my! This Brooklyn-based Japanese soul food will have Slopers slipping and sliding in their panties while screaming “Miso Horny!” 

Four & Twenty Blackbirds pies:

You can put your dick in their seasonal pies, including Salty Caramel Apple.

Cafe Grumpy from Greenpoint, Gorilla Coffee from Park Slope and Stumptown Coffee Roasters from Red Hook:

It’s the Sophie’s Choice of caffeine.

Early Bird Foods & Co.:

Their granola and fancy bird food type bars and shit from Fort Greene will be aplenty. I love this Fort Greene granola company’s Crack of Dawn bars, They are named after what I see when I first wake in the morning: my lard ass husband’s bum cleavage popping out from the back of his Fruit of the Looms.

Milk Chocolate Peppermint Almond Milk from Bushwick:

They are saving cows by milking almonds in Bushwick! Who knew?!

Runner & Stone Bread from right up the street:

Some dude will be constantly biking the bread over from a few blocks away. Bake the bread, bike the bread. Bake the bread, bike the bread. Say that 5X fast. Really, try it. If you can, I’ll make out with you and/or caress your morning crack. Ask my husband, it’s really soothing.

There are many more BKNY companies represented that I failed to mention due to spite. They will also be carrying many products that are Manhattan-based or from the Hudson Valley and other nowhere lands that we don’t care about. Brooklyn is the center of the universe and that’s what we’re excited about. I’m actually writing this post from a tent in their parking lot.

There will be an 8:30 AM bread baking ceremony, which obviously the gluten-free are not invited to. I guess that’s happening outside since the store doesn’t open until 9 AM tomorrow. hmmm. I’ll be the first in line to get one of their early customer freebie tote bags which I plan to show off to all my jealous friends. Only available for the first 250 people; a true collector’s item and worth missing work for!