Looking for an Apartment on Craigslist is Like Taking Helen Keller Through an Obstacle Course

Well, my saga with my roommate/apartment hunting has been well documented, as every person reading this site agreed (perhaps for the first time!) that I was getting screwed when my landlord upped my rent.

So, I'm moving out.

Because I can't afford to pay the broker fees, I'm looking for one bedrooms on Craigslist. Besides the repeated, shrill screams from my mother (who watches the news but retains only the headline) about how I'm going to get clubbed over the head with a baseball bat when I go to look at an apartment, it's been really difficult to wade through all of the crap to find a decent listing, especially when all of the listings look like they were posted by Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel from The Simpsons.

Here are some tips on how to post a good listing:

1. Attach Photos: A picture is worth 1,000 words, but not having a picture is worth three: THIS APARTMENT SUCKS. Anyone with eyes can take at least one photo of their rat-infested hovel and make it look halfway decent, so when there are no photos for me to look at at, I start getting suspicious. Suspicious, and then disinterested. Next!

2. Attach Photos OF THE APARTMENT: Oh, so the available apartment is located just steps away from Prospect Park (i.e. 17 bocks away). Sounds great! But you know what? I know what Prospect Park looks like. Like I would take one glimpse at PP's lush greenery and say, "Oh, fuck it. Who cares if the apartment sucks. Look at the foilage! And just steps away!"

3. Is your Caps Lock Broken, or are you just illiterate?: WhEn yOu TyPe Ur LiStInG LyKe ThIs, I doNt WaNt tO LiVe iN yOuR aPaRtMeNt aS MuCh aS I wAnT tO bUrN iT dOwN. Honestly? Why would you type like that? I just typed that sentence and it look me about three times as long because my eyes started to bleed and i had to go get tissues. This is a real title of an apartment listing on Craig's List right now: GENUINeNYCfEEL*INCREDIBLySPACIOUS*VERyWELLkEPT

*WHAtUwereLOOKING4!!!

A GENUINeNYCfEEL, you don't say?! Sign me up! It'd be great to have that lady with the amputated fingers from the anti-smoking signs on the subway as my landlord [joke credit: Johnson).

4. Don't Lie About Location: Last time I checked, Bed Stuy is not Park Slope. Also, unless you're going to work via helicopter, it does NOT take 15 minutes to get into Midtown Mahattan. I guess, if you're looking for a bunch of suckers unfamiliar with the area, you'll dazzle them: "Only 15 minutes to Times Square??!?! Wow, I can get to my favorite Italian restaurant soooo fast. Can't wait for those unlimited salads and breadsticks!" But to those who are familiar with the area, you come off like a shyster.

But even though swimming through the deep sea of illiteracy that is Craig's List is terrible, what's more terrible is having to fork over 10% of your yearly rent to some broker named Vinnie.

I'm going it alone.

Wish me luck.