Local Bartenders Spill Your Dirtiest Secrets!

While I’m about 5 years too young to fully appreciate Cheers [Ed note: The entire series is on Netflix -- get on it!], I do enjoy the idea of the same group of people heading to the same bar night after night to bond, bitch and hook up. For those of us who live in a city with 8 million people, it’s nice to go to a place where everybody knows your name, right? It’s especially nice if that somebody is feeding you alcohol.

As the resident therapist, doctor, security guard, comedian and critic, a bartender is an important fixture in a neighborhood. Over time, every bartender collects a mental Rolodex of juicy stories while working behind the wooden block, and our nosy asses wondered what some of those stories were.

I recently interviewed several bartenders from our favorite Park Slope staples about the craziest and juiciest happenings to take place inside the watering holes of our sweet little Slope.

Here's what we learned about you lushes:

#1: YOU WILL ATTEMPT TO STAB A BARTENDER FOR CUTTING YOU OFF.

THE BAR: Sea Witch

THE BARTENDER: Christopher

TIME BEHIND THE BAR:  A few months.

THE DIRT: “One time, this dude tried to stab me…. That was fun. He was super wasted and I cut him off [from drinking]. He grabbed a bottle, broke it on the bar and started to fling it at me.  I had to defend myself, so I took one of those Bacardi napkin holder things and hit him over the head with it.  He fell down and then ran out of the bar.  Once he was out, I was like ‘fuck it’. Didn’t call the cops or anything, just cleaned up the blood a bit and went on with my night.”

#2: YOU WILL TRY AND SLEEP WITH THE BARTENDER... ON THE BAR.

THE BAR: Freddy’s

THE BARTENDER: Matt, a lovely gent from across the pond who co-owns the bar (he tended at the old spot on Flatbush and now works at the new location in South Slope).

TIME BEHIND THE BAR: Since the beginning.

THE DIRT: “Let’s go right to the sex stories.  One time a couple was caught in the bathroom, and the girl tried to climb out the window of the bar.  Didn’t work.  One time we caught people having sex in the bathroom, and instead of stopping them we instructed the entire bar to clap as they walked out of the bathroom.”

A drink later, Matt came back with some more, well, PERSONAL stories.

“It was late at night.  The bar was quiet and we were just hanging out.  A nice guy -- a regular -- comes over to me. Completely out of the blue this conversation happens:

Dude: Matt – you want your dick sucked?

Me: Um, I think I’m ok.

Dude: You sure? Because I really like sucking dick.

Me: Yep. Still ok.

Anyone else having visions of Danny Tanner from that one scene in Half Baked? Just me? OK, well Matt still came back for more:

"Then there was another lady, also a regular and also late night.  She said to me ‘Matt, if you had a condom on you, I’d fuck you on the pool table right now’. Well, I turned around and grabbed a condom off the bar.  Let’s just say her friend got out of there pretty quickly, and I followed through.”

#3: YOU WILL DRY HUMP EACH OTHER IN THE BACK OF THE BAR.

THE BAR: Loki Lounge

THE BARTENDER: Reilly

TIME BEHIND THE BAR: A long time.

THE DIRT: “We saw these two kids running up 2^nd street, and they came into the bar. They couldn’t have been older that 21 or 22. They came in, ordered a diet coke and a seltzer, then disappeared to the back of the bar. Nobody saw them for a while. Finally, I went back there, flashlight in hand, only to find them laying on top of each other, head to toe, violently vibrating and gyrating. I’m not sure if this was some sort of weird teenage sex ritual or what, but they took off running, probably to their parent’s basements.”  

Reilly was full of tales, even one involving a nun.

“There’s this nun that’s always around the Slope asking people for money.  Once I saw her coming out of Jackie’s 5^th Amendment. I guess it makes sense considering it’s pretty much God’s waiting room. I got photo evidence.”

We've got a lot more bartenders to talk to about your (and, well OK, our) sloppy and kinky stories, so stay tuned for more!