HOW TO TALK TO YOUR PARK SLOPE TWEEN ABOUT... LIBYA

This morning I was riding on the F train, like one does, when two floppy haired Park Slope tweens got on at 7th Avenue in all their bespeckled awkwardness. I hear one floppy hair say to the other, "Shit, I have to do this current events assignment on Libya. What do I say about it?" The other strugged and said, "I don't know. I just wrote something about Gadhafi being a dick to his people." And so after a deep pregnent pause, like the ones that litter Wes Anderson movies, one took out a notebook and started futilely jotting down some bullshit while the other (who was clearly destined to get like a D) whipped out his iphone and started playing Angry Birds.

How do I know this? Because I know that music anywhere, and coincidentlly I was playing Angry Birds HD on my ipad... because I'M OBSESSED. Then in a flash it hit me: Angry Birds and the sitch in Libya are strikingingly similiar!

The King Pig: Moammar Gadhafi. All the other green little snorters are obviously his forces clearly hiding in precariously perched castles made out of wood planks and glass blocks with huge boulders sitting atop jagged cliffs. And sure there just so happens to be some boxes of TNT laying around ready to explode. Sounds a lot like Libya to me.

Then a no fly zone. I mean that's a no-brainer. Only the Angry Birds can fly (they're actually pelted from giant boomerangs), not the pigs.  

What has the King Pig stolen? The eggs of the situation if you will? The reason why the birds are so damn angry: Clearly the oil the freedom of his innocent citizens.

And lastly, the angry birds are the Nato forces of operation Dawn Treader or whatever the hell it's called. I'd even go so far to break down the types of differnent birds to the countries of the coalitions.

First the plump red bird that is the poster child of Angry Birds is clearly France. It's red, it's made the loudest noise about the egg thing, and then quickly passes off the job to the other birds. The blue little guys that break up into three even smaller very conservative little bombers are the Brits because they're so controlled and have Wollace and/or Gromit eyes. The triangular yellow birds are the Italians because  they remind me of some of my triangular-shaped Italian great aunts. The Spanish can be those white birds that just drop eggs directly on their targets and then wither away because before this whole thing I didn't even know the Spanish had an airforce. Last I heard they had an armada and that didn't go over so well. And the US are the black bomb birds. We're big fat powder kegs that blow up everything in our path and do a damn good job of it. And so we just sit in the Mediterranean and pelt ourselves at our targets.

Easy, breezy, Angry Birds. 

So when your 321'er or little cousin or girlfriend's tween from a failed first marriage asks you to explain Libya, no need to go all Situation Room on their ass. Just take out Angry Birds and call it a day.