Hipster Barista Bitches

NOTE: this was *not* Rachel's hipster barista. Use your imagination, ppl.

I just don’t fucking get it.

Now, I like to think of myself as a friendly person. I’ll talk to just about anyone (even if they’re imaginary). I love making new friends, and I’m always up for a good one-night-stand (I mean, I'm 5'1, weigh 100 lbs, and have a voice like Minnie Mouse--if that doesn’t scream warm and friendly, I don’t know what does).

So this is why I was shocked senseless that I seemed to have scared the shit out of some dumb as fuck hipster barista last week at Ozzies.

I needed to get my requisite caffeine fix and get some work done, so voila: Ozzies. I asked the long haired, bearded, skull capped, plaid shirt-wearing barista for a large coffee. A simple order (or so I thought?).

The barista averted my gaze and stared down at the floor, as he scurried over to the coffee thingy to pour a cup. He then shuffled back to the register, handed me the coffee (all the while looking at the floor) and mumbled something that was so unintelligible I wondered if he was a mute.

Was it my breath?--I did have onions in my omelet that morning. Did I have dandruff? Makeup running down my face? Or was he gay and scared by the cleavage I was sporting? (nah, gays love the titties).

Nope..he was just a fucking hipster.

This whole thing made me think of a recent article I read on flavorwire.com about the hipster’s favorite pastime, listening to indie rock: Tired of sex? Has indie rock gone flaccid?

Frankly I didn’t know that it was ever hard.

In fact, I think the sexiest lyrics sung over the past year came from women, Karen O (“Try to hit the spot, Get it in the dark”), Alison Mosshart (“I like to grab you by the hair, And hang you up from the heavens”). Shit, I’m straight and that gets my panties moist.

Don’t get me wrong: despite my bitching, I love the hipster look. I’ve always had a predilection for guys who don’t wash their hair and wear the same thing every day. I also kind of love it when I sometimes catch a guy wearing a pair of skinny jeans so tight I can actually see the outline of his junk.

But nonetheless, it would be nice if the hipsters could actually use their balls once in awhile, instead of just displaying them in their tight pants like a peacock. It almost makes me yearn for an earlier time...a time when men were actually encouraged to be MEN. Like the 80s, for instance. I’m sure David Lee Roth never let his tight pants go to waste.

So yeah, I finally got the barista to spit out that I owed him $2 for the coffee. I literally felt like I was torturing this poor and withered soul for bothering him with such trivialities as I handed him my crumpled bills. It was as if he was a political dissenter and I was Chairman Mao.

Is this phenomenon widespread? Are all hipsters now annoying and twee and mopey??

Yeah I know, I was in a coffee shop in Brooklyn so I probably should have prepared for the lack of social skills, but seriously grow a fucking set you dirty Hipster (and give me my fucking coffee...).