Get To Know Your FiPS Writers: Bitchy Mom & NineDaves

Ever read a great FiPS post and think to yourself, Hot damn. I'm in lurrrve with this writer (see also: I fucking haaaate this writer). We've been giving you an insight into the writing staff here at FiPS, and now we're winding down to the last one. Contributors were paired together and asked to come up with some burning questions for each other so that you guys can learn a little more about the minds behind this FiPS-tastic blog. Because when it comes down to it, we're fucked in Park Slope JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU SUCKERS. 

So far we've given you ERICA & URSULA, BEN & JESS, JUSTIN & MIKE, ROSHOW & MEREDITH, KERRI & SHAWN, THOMAS & VEE, Chinae & Amanda. Last up: Bitchy Mom and Ninedaves!

Who was your first kiss? 

Bitchy Mom: My first boyfriend at the ripe old nerd age of eighteen. SIGH. 

NineDaves: Her name was Christine Connolly. We were in 6th grade and it was extremely awkward because I was clearly a homosexual and she was clearly unaware whatsoever that I just wanted to be her friend so I could play with her Barbies. I mean, we went to go see D2: The Mighty Ducks, and I spent the whole time obsessing over how much I loved Joshua Jackson. Gurl. Open your eyes. 

After the movie we walked to comic book store where I bought the latest X-Men comic book and a few packs of comic trading cards. Oh, and then we went to the pizza place where she had a slice of pizza and I didn’t because I was “on a diet.” I was 12 years old at the time. Gaaaaaaaaay.

On the walk back home I stopped to put something in my backpack and she took that time to tell me that she liked me. And then I kissed her. Partly because I felt bad that I didn’t like her back and partly because I wanted to know what it was like to kiss someone. I don’t remember much about the actual kiss because I was thinking the whole time, “how much longer is this going to last?”

When it was over I immediately told her that I just wanted to be friends. Ice cold!  

What do you hate most about living in Park Slope? 

Bitchy Mom: The fact that I have to walk uphill.

NineDaves: As silly as it sounds, it’s the actual slope. It’s not just a catchy name – that damn hill is no joke! I live up on 7th ave, bike to and from work, and pretty much get pissed every time I get to 4th ave and realize I have an uphill battle ahead of me. 

If you could have sex with any celebrity who would it be?

Bitchy Mom: Daniel Day Lewis, but only when he was a Mohican.

NineDaves: Oprah. Because I want to know what it’s like to fuck Jesus. 

Chuck, Fuck, Or Marry - Park Slope All-Stars Edition: John Turturro, Steve Buscemi, or John Hodgman?

Bitchy Mom: Chuck Steve Buscemi because of Steve Buscemi Eyes, Fuck John Turturro but only as The Jesus, and marry John Hodgman because he seems like he'd be a good house husband.

NineDaves: I’ve always hated John Turturro. I mean, to say he was the worst thing about the Transformers movies is saying a lot. I don’t find anything sexy about Steve Buscemi, but I’m pretty sure he’s a total freak in the sheets, so we’re gonna fuck. And I’m obviously marrying John Hodgman because he’s basically the funniest person I’ve ever and I just want to laugh all the time. 

(To Bitchy Mom): You're a breeder. Ever wish you were a baller?

Bitchy Mom: Hellz no, but I wish I had more time to do things like watch E! True Hollywood Story: Kate and Pippa.

(To NineDaves): You’re a baller. Ever wish you were a breeder?

NineDaves: Yes. I’m a gay man living in Park Slope and I have a small dog. Getting a baby would be the trifecta! All I’d need is a coop shift and I’d the perfect Park Slope cliché! 

If you could spend a day with Marty Markowitz, doing whatever you want, what would you do?

Bitchy Mom: I'd quickly write an autobiography and force him to spend all day doing the recording. 

NineDaves: OMG, Marty and I would have the best day. I’m thinking brunch at Bar Toto, late afternoon yogurt at Culture. I’d make him take me to A Di La for dinner (since I’d finally be able to afford it). Maybe a drink at Commonwealth. And in between all that? BIKE RIDES! We’d rent him one at 9^th Street Cycles (‘cause I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have one). And then we’re ride throughout Brooklyn – the first half of the day in the bike lanes, and the second half of the day without the bike lanes. See what he thinks about them then!