Fuck/Marry/Kill: Arrested Development, Cicadas, and CitiBikes

For like a week now, Twitter, Facebook and even taxi cab news updates have been chock full of nonstop blathering about Arrested Development, Cicadas, and CitiBikes. Instead of bitching and moaning about how everyone should just shut up already, let's play a round of fuck/marry/kill with these trendy topics. 

Arrested Development

The lowdown: Arrested Development is like a bad relationship--everyone got really obsessed with it after it ended. The fixation with the show has infinitely grown since it was canceled after its 3rd season in 2006. When the fandom grew, and jokes about banana stands multiplied, we were dying for it to come back. Give us a new season, a movie, anything. But be careful what you wish you. We should have learned our lesson from movie remakes, but this new season of Arrest Development reminds us that classics are hard to beat. Buzz about the show is everywhere. Even Uncle Berry’s bar was showing the new season, available only on Netflix, when it premiered last Saturday.

The negatives: The new season is confusing, repetitive and a bit bland. Old jokes are relied upon too heavily, and there is so much narration, watching the zany show feels like listening to an ebook. And worst of all, it’s just not that funny. If a viewer is taking notes in order to keep up with the plot line, they won’t have enough time to laugh. 

The positives: Arrested Development, already a cult classic, just provided fans with hours worth of new material to study, memorize and make memes about. Not to mention the whole ordeal, along with The House of Cards, is changing the way people watch T.V. 

Conclusion: Bang, obviously. While not every character is a knockout, the whole series is such a stone cold pack of weirdos, you know they'd be fun. And whatever happens behind closed doors a. Might include an ostrich, and b. you know you could all laugh about it later. 

Cicadas

The Lowdown: These rambunctious bugs are currently descending on the mid-Atlantic DC Region causing what is now being referred to as the Swarmageddon 2013. These inch long flying insects emerge from the ground every 13-17 years to breed and this year it’s expected to be a doozy. And it seems every blog, broadcast and website (including this one, now) is freaking out about it. 

The negatives: They. Are. Loud. Cicadas have a mating call that sounds like the amplified buzzing of a fly, only that it never seems to stop. And they are messy. They shed their shells, leaving transparent carmel covered exteriors all over the place. And they are gross. I mean, they are big, beady eyed bugs. 

The positives: They clean up the woodlands through by binge-eating on almost every tiny insect in sight. And while this massive swarm seems similar to a biblical plague, these bug really don’t cause much harm. DC won’t have to use the white noise app for the entire month of June as the Cicadas will offer a soothing buzz. And since we haven’t seen this creepy crawlers since 1996, it gives everyone a moment to reflect over the last 17 years. What are those little guys going to think when they hear about this internet thing? 

Conclusion: Kill, obviously. Huge, gross bugs? It's a no brainier. 

CitiBikes

The lowdown: New York is finally getting its act together and like so many European cities before her, the city has installed a public bike share system which opened this past Monday. Blue skies gave way to many a bikes maiden voyage, as yearly members have been given the first week exclusively to use the new bike system. 

The negatives: The bikes and bike stations are kind of ugly. The bikes are heavy. It’s not quite as affordable as we’d like (although considering how much a subway swipe is these days, $10 a day for unlimited bike use really isn’t bad). The worst part is the ultimate helmet-less-ness which will inevitably plague the city. We need to figure out how to make helmets pocket size, stat. 

The positives: We are one step closer to going greener. Let’s slap some Vogue girls and NFL Giants on those ugly bikes to make them as trendy as possible. The city has them and how ever many problems they may cause, they are a whole lot better (for the environment and for the body) than the alternative taxis and busses. So stop complaining and start cycling. Because New York could be the new Amsterdam and we’d be better for it. 

Conclusion: Marry. These bikes are going to be your best companion in the long run. Like a real marriage, they are approved of by the government but it's to each individual to make it work for them. And if you make a lifelong commitment to biking, your gluts and your city will fair far better because of your bethrothal.