[FIPS Was There...] Bocce League at Union Hall

Silkscreen image by Kristen LeeUnion Hall hosts a lot of great comedy and music acts. It also hosts a Bocce league. We were there for the first night of the weekday summer league.

If you are one of the few who is unfamiliar with the Bocce; you throw out a little ball and everybody gets two big balls to throw at it. Closest gets a point. It’s like a cross between bowling and drinking. I mean bowling and horseshoes. And drinking. Did I mention the drinking? You’re going to drink. At Union Hall they make it easy.

I arrive at 6:30 for a 9 o'clock game. I order a beer as flip through the drink menu.  Just as I'm deciding to take it easy tonight I see a specialty cocktail called The Bocce. I have to drink this. I'm here at Bocce opening night. Writing an article for FIPS on Bocce. The drink contains Fernet Branca and Ginger beer. It’s served over ice in a highball glass with fresh lime.  In the immortal words of Tyrese “This just went from mission impossible to mission in-freakin-sanity!” How am I supposed to drink this sober? I order another beer. Then a tall boy and a shot.

Now it's 7:20. The bar is filling up. John Hodgman has a secret society show tonight. Is that like the Midnight Society? Ghost stories around a fire? I asked around. Nobody would tell me. It's sold out anyway. I've had 3 pints and a shot in 1 hour. Do I really need another drink before taking on The Bocce? I'm terrified. I decide I need another drink. I order a shot and a beer. Finish them immediately.

Now it's 7:30. I've had 4 beers and two shots. I haven't eaten dinner. It's been only an hour. I think I'm ready for The Bocce. As I order it I ask the bartender if she's ever made one before. To my surprise she has. Further to my surprise it tastes…not bad. It's a Christmas drink. It tastes like candy canes and evergreens and my mom waking me up by rubbing our new puppy's nose on my face. Holy shit I'm drunk.

There is still a game left though. Our team is Bocce Balboa. We have 10 people. All wearing a uniform of gray t-shirts. Our captain told us this was standard. We are the only one of 8 teams playing that night wearing one. I guess we look good though. Most of the other teams are actually older, serious, Italian men. They measure every shot with ruler tape and their form is perfect.

Luckily, the team we are playing against is Joanie Loves Bocce. 4 girls. Impossibly cute. We set sights on seducing them to lower their guards. And failed miserably.

They open the first game 4-0 and then beat us in a 3 game series that they led the whole time. We don't get any of their phone numbers. Oh Katy. Did you seduce me into lowering my guard? What a fool I was. Lately I have desperately pondered, spent my nights awake and I wonder. What I could have done in another way? To make you stay.

We retired to the bar. Four of us. Dejected from our defeat. And next to us at the bar. None other than John Hodgman. Just finished a killer set. Johnny Hodge would NEVER get played like us. I asked him to take a shot and he seemed reticent. We hashed it out though. He preferred a shot of booze than a photo shot. Man after my own heart. Why do we need photo evidence? It's not like this is being written up.

When I ask him what he wants to drink he says he doesn't care.  Whiskey or Tequila. Man after my own heart has moved up. Situation has progressed. We're in “guy I want a mustache ride from” territory now.  I want him to be my dad and I want to be physically intimate. Lot of mixed emotions. Very Buster and Lucille. That might be The Bocce talking though. We toast our shots and Hodgman says "To Bocce Balboa! You guys know Rocky lost in the first one too right?" That’s right John. That’s right.