Dante de Blasio Throws His Political Mandate into the Crapper

The recent mayoral election signaled a turning point in American politics.  Post-November-5 It is no longer possible for a candidate to win an elected office, without having two really awesome children and their spectacular hairstyles front-and-center during the campaign.  Though Bill de Blasio won the election, it was not truly his victory.  In our heart-of-hearts, we really all voted for his son, Dante de Blasio to be the Mayor of New York City. And we hoped that Dante, powered by his wry smile, blindingly-white teeth, and hipper-than-thou afro would enact a sea change of changing seas in New York City...

...which is why it's extremely troubling that Dante de Blasio would squander his mandate on an issue which is uniquely personal to himself, and himself only.  Namely, the length of his commute from Gracie Mansion on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, and Brooklyn Technical High School, in Fort Greene.  According to Politicker, the de Blasio family is still undecided about whether to leave Park Slope, and the primary factor weighing in favor of staying in the Slope is Dante's commute.

Come back to the five and dime, Dante de Blasio, Dante de Blasio.  We need you to save your political capital for other fights.  Like raising taxes on the rich and ending stop-and-frisk!  If you don't start there, you'll be unable to enact those next steps, like restoring titty bars to Times Square, enacting mandatory house-arrest for wealthy investment bankers and opening a city-wide chain of abortion clinics that will operate 24/7/364 (closing only to celebrate Fidel Castro's birthday). 

We hope you can work this all out.  We need you to fulfill your promise to everyone who voted for you!