BREEDER vs. BALLER: Happy Fucking Birthday, You Little Brat
Effed in Park Slope | Thursday, February 19, 2009 at 12:52AM 
Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.
BALLER:
Here is a quick rundown of some of the places my ass has been begrudgingly hauled off to for various kid's bday parties over the past few years:
*The Intrepid aircraft carrier
*Chelsea Piers
*Sushi Samba
*My Gym
*That trendy restaurant at Bloomingdales
*Tavern on the Green
*Barney Greengrass
*Various nameless suburban NJ restaurants
All of these parties have pretty much been for one, two, or three year olds (and the biggest and most expensive one at the Intrepid--was for a one year old...who spent the entire time screaming bloody murder and throwing up on everyone).
In every circumstance, said parent of said child is completely, 100% convinced that they are throwing said party to make their kid's birthday really, really (clasp hands together, squeeze eyes shut and stare up to the heavens) s-p-e-c-i-a-l. And YES, they are spending piles of cash...and YES they have invited 150 people....and YES they arranged for a videographer...and Sponge Bob...but its all for [insert name of annoying little fuck of a kid]! REALLY! IT IS!
Right.
I think, by now, you can guess where I'm going with this: I call B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.
And yes, fair readers, I do get that we keep circling back to the same fucking issue here: parental hypocrisy. I'm sorry if you're bored by it...cause I'm very fucking bored by it. But I keep bringing it up, cause everyone keeps pretending that it doesn't fucking exist, and it drives me completely crazy.
Cause, yeah, most of this shit went down before the Great Depression of 2008, but still...it was dumb even back when I could afford to get my legs waxed.
And you know, I swear: if just ONCE, I ever got an invite in the mail that read something like this: "Dear BALLER, you are cordially invited to an organized, self-indulgent ego fest during which mommy and daddy (that's us!) will parade around like peacocks, carry our child like a handbag and pretend that we are even slightly interested in this little dude/dudeette's bday (newsflash: we're not...we just want to show off!). So, join us at this fake celebration for our lil spoiled brat. Overpriced food, and an open bar will be provided!..." It would be such a fucking relief. REALLY. It would so rule. And I would TOTALLY buy that little motherfucker the biggest, awesomest, most fantastic present I could possibly find (pending, of course, the amount of available fundage I had on my cc).
Let's all just be honest! And just get it out on the fucking table!
But, alas, it will never friggin happen. Cause none of you BREEDERS are self-aware enough to ever even come close to admitting this shit and just being straight with us all. Noooo waaaay.
In fact, I can envision BREEDER typing away at her little keyboard right at this very moment...penning some half-assed response that, yet again, misses the whole point of what I'm saying anyway, in 3...2...1...
BREEDER:
Well, you're not going to get a BREEDER that misses the point this week, BALLER. You see, I get the point. I get it all too well.
We were scheduled to have my eldest son's birthday at one such place - the children's art museum in soho. We knew that it was unbelievably overpriced, but my son - he wanted it so badly. These kids you know, they just want what their friends want.
So he had his heart set on this place - told all his friends about it - his whole class was invited and they knew that they'd be going to the soho art musuem. My son was so excited that he'd rush to get to school in the mornings - he was so proud - kids that had never spoken to him before were sharing their polly-o string cheese with him at lunch. He became a little celebrity, all because of his impending birthday party. It changed his little life.
Well, there's nothing you can hold for very long: my husband was one of the recent layoffs at Microsoft. We're worried about whether we can continue to afford our mortgage, and there's just no room for a $1,200 birthday party, no matter how much we wish we could do it.
Needless to say, this has destroyed our son's world. Not only did he scream and cry for about an hour when we told him the news, but now I'm starting to think he was right to cry like he did - like he realized something we didn't. You see, at school, he was relegated to the status of a villain.
All the kids who were just his friends because of the birthday party stopped being his friends overnight. Even his old friends he had stopped playing with him because they didn't want to be lumped in and also turned into little villains. The kids only talked to him to laugh at him, and they even joined together and used construction paper to make him a little crown of thorns.
Instead of protecting him, the teacher called him a "little indian giver" under her breath, and made him play with Dora dolls while the other kids had snack.
I'm not sure where we'll go from here - but you see, as parents, it wasn't just about our egos. It wasn't about us at all.
Breeder vs. Baller 
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Reader Comments (11)
"even made him a little paper crown of thorns" has me LMAO, but alas, as always I agree with Baller-since I am a baller- EVERY kid party I've been forced to attend was ALL about the adults. Totally one-up-manship in the parent department, with the kid usually screaming bloody murder.
Dear Breeder,
Hey, look at this as a blessing in disguise!!! Let's face it, this little rejection and isolation will be good for your kid’s character building. It's pretty damn obvious that you and your unemployed husband spend way to much time coddling the little brat. And you know what? I betcha his teacher feels the same way. Maybe now he’ll learn that in life, you don’t always get what you want? Wow… What a concept!!!! Maybe now, he’ll learn that not everyone is what they seem?? Holy geez, I wish my parents taught me that! Newsflash: Your. Kid. Is. Not. Special.
You know what you do next year? Instead of dropping over a grand on that pussy son of yours, chop that in half, get a cake, balloons, a dozen pizzas, and have the kids run around your apartment. You’ll probably be left with an extra 300 bucks that you can use to sign your kid up for Pop-Warner football. You know, to toughen up that little “girl” of yours. Who knows, maybe he’ll learn to be a winner and not a whiner.
Listen, honey, here’s the bottom line: It is better that he’s disappointed that he doesn’t have his little homo-erotic birthday party in a Soho art museum now so when he gets his rejection letter from Sarah Lawrence College, he won’t have a hissy-fit and wet his tampon.
Very Truly Yours,
A better person than you’ll ever be.
this second cunt is much scarier than even breeder.
well i'm a breeder and not so rich like the peeps you've described. at our kid's 1st bday we had a party with mostly adults and served drinks and food and given that nobody left until way past the end, think all had fun. kid loved it - zero tears. next big party was at 3 and kid loved it - got to have all her friends and again we filled up the adults with wine and food. at 4, we had a huge party at home - kid was beside herself cause her friends turned up. even at this young age, the kids have a social life and know what's up. all of the parties were for her, not for us altho we enjoyed ourselves. don't be so cynical ballers.
I would hope the new generation of young parents in New York City would chose differently. Shame on you, maybe you wouldn't have to compete if you valued people, family, and friends, and not things.
I guess you must be one of those Trust-a-Farians-- living in Brooklyn.
I speak from experience when I say that I am a native New Yorker, went to Private Schools, exposed to music, art, private tennis lessons, summer camps and The Hamptons. God I hate my life. News Flash-These people are miserable, the families are miserable, drowning in mansions of stuff they don't need, and even there kids become commodities, when your too busy worrying about keeping up,and coming up with $1200 yes, there accessories, you crossed that threshold.
Most Upper East Side Kids choice drug is heroine or coke, not exactly a safe choice, but till their "customized" Range Rover comes out, what are we supposed to do?
But we were taught to look beautiful, and smile, and dress well, we conceal this misery with a thin veil of elitist bullshit.
I hope your kid has a happy birthday, and I hope that instead of blogging for sympathy, you could be a little more proactive. And maybe, can stop perpetuating these tragic lifestyles through fantasy birthday parties.
As a breeder with kids ranging from a 17 year old down to a 4 year old, I can attest to the party escalation in the Slope in the last decade. We've stuck with the grab a table by the picnic house and give all the 7 year olds water guns and let them rampage for three hours type of parties. Really, kids don't need much more than cheetos, chocolate and some cake to call it a party.
i'm just better than you:
"Listen, honey, here’s the bottom line: It is better that he’s disappointed that he doesn’t have his little homo-erotic birthday party in a Soho art museum now so when he gets his rejection letter from Sarah Lawrence College, he won’t have a hissy-fit and wet his tampon."
Ay. Fucking. Men.
I'm confused: Why would you promise a child something before you could deliver on it? I thought that was Rule Numero Uno of the Common Sense Guide to Parenting.
Maybe we should get you a copy.
It just seems foolish on the part of the parents to have promised something on that level before it was confirmed and paid for.
It is strange that we hold extravagant parties for toddlers who will barely remember them.
I actually went to a great toddler's party a couple of months ago in Brooklyn. It was held in a space for adult and children's gymnastics and trapeze arts.
No bells and whistles: Padded mats, hula hoops, and lots of open space to run around. The snacks were simple and low on the sugar, and there was wine for the parents.
The kids had a great time doing what kids do, with no pretense.
And very little to clean up at the end.
Excuse me while I barf on myself. Being a MS layoff is probably the best thing that could have happened to your child -- cause you're raising your son to be a princely twat, who tries to buy his friends by throwing a huge party. What kid wants to invite their whole class to a party in his honor at a soho children's art museum?! Seems to be like you've created a goodie little two-shoes and your party would have only made him more insufferable. It's probably the first real-life lesson in his sheltered life.
Breeder, are you used to getting this much parenting advice? Does this happen outside of FIPSville? Where your every decision is scruitinized and criticized and picked apart? And on top of that you have to put up with a spoiled, unpopular, snotty shitty kid. Sucks to be you.
Construction paper crown of thorns! That school sounds like the shit. I wish I had kids just so I could send them there, cause they are teaching lessons! Lessons the kids need to learn.