BREEDER v. BALLER: Strollers On The Subway

Each week Once in a blue moon, we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched. This week: Strollers on the Subway.

BREEDER:

I don't see why I have to even defend this to you. Sometimes, we breeders NEED our big ass strollers when we're schlepping all over the city. And usually we bring those crappy lightweight, foldy ones anyway so what's the big whoop? 

I mean, honestly, do you think we're bringing those things for pleasure?

Let me draw you a picture. I was seven months preggers with kid two and sans stroller (because I care about you self-obsessed BALLER people). Kid one falls dead asleep on the Q, and I end up carrying his sweet but weighty little bod all the way home. On a cold winter's day. What I wouldn't have given for the McClaren that afternoon.

Here's what one mamala had to say on the subject over at Gothamist:

If anyone has carried a stroller w/ a child or two down the subway and are stuck in it during rush hour, I seriously doubt it's for fun.

With what third arm would I fold up the stroller, hold on to the kids and find a poll to keep us all in place during rush hour without the kids getting crushed by ignorant idiots like yourselves? Who's got subway etiquette during rush hour? It's a car full of self serving jerks like you.

No apologies from me, next time you wanna give me an advice like 'take a cab'? Put your mouth where your money is and pay me the cab fee. Is $20 too much for you? Well, then stop being such a BABY!!!

The strollers are the LEAST of our troubles. Do I really need to remind you that there are A LOT O' things to complain about in the course of any given subway ride. Really, you're going to pick on the strollers? 

Would you rather we go this route?

So, humor me and let's have a little discourse on subway etiquette. Just 'cause...

How about eating a big dish of spaghetti marinara with meatballs or breaking out the watermelon on your ride home?

Or leaning your inconsiderate bodacious tush all over the pole?

Or cracking my head open with your humongous backpack? Especially when combined with a fucking BOOM BOX!

Or taking a CRAP on your subway platform?

Or clipping your toenails?

Or listening to your music on crappy tinny speakers?

Or wiping your boogers all over the subway car?

Or hogging all the seats?

Or bringing your cat with?

Or your pet boa constrictor? Oh God, just the thought...

Okay, I think I'm done.

BALLER:

Obviously people have babies and they can't be expected to carry them all day and night, and so yes: strollers on the subway is a thing. I get it.

Here's what I don't get. why aren't ALL strollers on the subway the lightweight-y ones that look like they are made out of tin foil? HOW, HOW, HOW do I see mothers with strollers every day on the subway who cannot physically carry these motherfuckers up and down the stairs without the help of some stupid kind stranger??

Imagine this: I'm leaving on a trip and I can't afford to take a cab to the airport. But my suitcase is too heavy and I can't physically pick it up. So I hobble my ass down to the subz and then I just stand there looking all lost and forlorn as people zip by me, in the hopes that someone will take pity on me and carry my suitcase down the FIRST flight of steps. Then I gotta repeat this shit AH-GAIN and hope that someone will do the same for me and carry my suitcase down a second flight of stairs. Then I gotta get to wherever I'm going, and hope that someone(s) will help me again...times two...but this time UP the stairs.

I mean, would you e-v-e-r do something like that? No, cause its retarded.

And yet, I see moms do it all the time with strollers that they cannot physically carry. They decide to haul their asses on down to the subway with gigantic suburban-sized SUV numbers, and then stand around looking pissy when people aren't falling all over themselves to carry that shit. And they come on during rush hour, and block the entire aisle, or the door, or roll over your feet.

I mean, bicycles annoy the shit outta me too, but at least the bike people carry their own shit!

So, whatever: I don't have a beef with you bringing a stroller in the first place. Just bring one you can fucking carry!

And p.s. I'd way rather sit next to that cat than your baby.