BREEDER SPECIAL REPORT: ASIAN PLURALIZATION PANDEMIC HARMFUL TO PARK SLOPE CHILDREN

Just one Vietnamese Sandwich for everyone in Park Slope to share? Even the co-op would scoff; I think you see what I'm getting at.

It comes down to this: If you care about your children, stop letting them eat Chinese food. Or you know - "pan-Asian" food in general; basically anything our racist grandparents used to refer to as "sending out for chinks" - which is a disgusting way to phrase it, but you know what I'm saying.

This has nothing to do with the gloppy sauces or MSG those people use, or anything health-related like that; no, I'm talking instead about the Asians' complete lack of understanding of English rules of pluralization. It's now been proven that for school-age children just learning to read and write, regular exposure to these sorts of bastardized plurals can have a real effect on their language processing abilities / appetites.

Taking action is easy - just look around and identify the businesses which have Asians in charge of menu copywriting / signage, and try to avoid those establishments. It's not racist to say that they usually don't pluralize. Here are some examples of what to look out for:

So now you know.

Again, I don't want you to think I'm suggesting all parents should just blacklist a certain type of ethnic food just because of the owner's race - it has nothing to do with race, and it would be a mistake - a racist mistake - to equate it as such. It's the same way that it's just common sense to search young Muslim males at airports - it's not about their RACE, obviously, just the fact that MOST (but not all) terrorists have been Muslim thus far.

Same thing here - there might be many Asian businesses that have proper pluralization and are ideal places for your children to dine and learn. It just means you have to be a little more careful about searching them and checking their passports / making sure they don't have one-way tickets / and are generally in good grammatical shape.

One such example of a pluralistically responsible Asian establishment is Beet Thai, who has all of their multiples in order - appetizerS, lunch specialS, entreeS, etc - all perfectly American and organic. I highly recommend Beet, as does my husband who is half black and used to live in Japan. The owners and menumakers of Beet are Asian and still have some cultural heritage / pride, such as a differently-minded form of the pluperfect subjective tense:

...but the sustainability of these kinds of non-plaurally-based grammatical departures has been proven to be greater, and thus far less detrimental to a growing child's processor motorskill.

Another option anyway, regardless, is just going to Beet and not even letting your child look at the Thai Wok section of the menu. If he did see part of it, again, it wouldn't be a total dealbreaker - Besides, that kind of diversity is why most of us live in Park Slope in the first place.