BREAKING: YOU ARE NOT EUROPEAN [Fuck the World Cup]

This was sent in from FIPS reader, Raye, I couldn't agree MORE (at least about the fuck the World Cup stuff):

Honestly, who gives a shit about the world cup? We’re AMERICANS, for testosterone’s sake!

Soccer’s gay, unlike football, where REAL men grunt and sweat and wrestle on top of one another. All of America should be dancing around burning effigies of soccer balls while chugging warm beer and discussing the imagined sex life of Sarah Palin… but, of course, such is not the case in our beloved hometown. Just a few nights ago, I passed by a sports-bar-that-shall-remain-nameless spilling drunken fans onto the street, all pretending to know what was going on in the game, spitting out such insightful remarks as, “Catch it! CATCH IT!!!” After throwing up, I gained some thoughtful new insight on our fellow Slopesters- they’re really just trying to be foreign.

So I call for all Park Slopians to rejoin America! Fire your au pair and your acupuncturist! Get off your lazy ass when you hear the national anthem! Eat a bacon wrapped sausage or two! But most of all- STOP PRETENDING YOU CARE ABOUT FUCKING SOCCER.