BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn Douglass/St Johns & Sterling] vs. Union St [btwn 6th & 7th]

Sometimes, my timing’s slightly off. Last Tuesday, I dedicated the Block-Off! to the awesomeness that is cable news…& then over the past seven days, cable news learned the true meaning of “when it rains, it pours” as four celebrities died, giving them all sorts of stories to work with. Oh well. Today marks the fourth anniversary of the day that Spain legalized gay marriage (really, USA?) & this past Sunday was Manhattan’s Gay Pride Parade, so this week, in the spirit of these events, we’ll be infusing the blocks with extreme festiveness! Sorry Brooklyn Gay Pride Parade. You’re so two weeks ago…like I said, that timing thing.

We’ll be taking the Block-Off! to one of our last blocks on 5th Ave, the block between Douglass/St Johns & Sterling. When we’re done there, it’s on down to Union Street and up to take a look at the block from 6th Ave to 7th. As our two blocks ACT TOTALLY GAY, one will charm us with its fashion sense & get invited to the White House, while the other will charm us with its fashion sense but still remain a second-class citizen. God will apparently hate both blocks, but since Jesus loves everyone, they’ll be at odds & will sit down for an important father-son chat, just like on the Brady Bunch. It’ll be rather touching & in the end, we'll all learn a lot of important lessons. Let the long-overdue, human rightastic but thongalicious judging begin!

5th Ave from Douglass St/St Johns Pl to Sterling Pl:
Our first block kicks off with Luis TV Repair, which to me, even with my half-assed rabbit ears & digital converter, seems like a business based on a model that’s gone by the wayside. These days, if you’ve got a badass TV, you’ve got a warranty from wherever you bought it, so you bring it there when it breaks. If you have a cheapo TV, fuck it, you just buy a new one. Not sure where a TV repairman fits into that world.

It’s followed by Brooklyn Frame Works, a business that’s been around for over a decade. They occasionally have gallery events here, but their main business is custom framing, which comes in very handy. Just a few weeks ago, I totally killed a drifter. It was an accident at all, but I obviously didn’t want anyone to find out, so I went to Brooklyn Frame Works. They made it look like some dude up in Harlem did it.

After an EMPTY STOREFRONT, we get the Chinese stylings of New China Tung. It’s essentially one of those everyday Chinese joints, but they have a really cool sounding name. In fact, if I ever start a band, I’m naming it “New China Tongue.” We’ll play nothing but Cantopop songs that show our undying love for our communist leaders. It’ll rule.

I refuse to speak badly about lingerie, no matter how little I get to see it in action these days. As such, the next store—E Lingerie—has my seal of approval. Based on their name, I believe it’s the sort of stuff you’d wear to impress during a night of all out freaky rave sex.

The last business on the left-hand side is Voodoo Lounge, the self-proclaimed “hottest lounge in Brooklyn.” Um, it’s a sports lounge, but if their MySpace page is any indication, you’d better be ready to get funky when you go there…just leave your doo rag at home.

This side of the block ends with the lovely Key Food Parking Lot. If you actually own a car & are buying groceries at the Key Food or need a quick place to pull over & rub one out, I highly recommend parking your car here. It just makes sense.

The right hand-side begins with a BUILDING UNDER CONSTRUCTION and Arias Unisex Hair Styling, the only salon on the block. The best part about this place is that while you’re getting your hair cut, a diva stands by & performs a medley of opera songs for you, giving you the feeling that you’re getting the most tragic haircut ever.

There are only two actual, sit-down restaurants on this block & both are trattorias. The first—Trattoria Mulino—offers up average Italian food. The food’s nothing special, but the ambience is nice enough that you at least have a chance at getting laid if you bring a date here…although I’m always leery of eating pasta in front of people who I’m trying to impress, so if you’re like me, even that might be tough.

Trattoria Mulino’s followed by two more EMPTY STOREFRONTS and Plaza Capital Funding, which may have actually moved to another area of Brooklyn. Not sure. I can’t exactly tell & don’t really care to find out, because they’re a mortgage lender & my ass ain’t getting a mortgage any time soon anyhow.

This block contains one of Park Slope’s only music venues—Southpaw. Usually, I have no fucking clue who the people are who are playing there, but America’s second-favorite troubled white boy rapper—Cage—is playing shows there this Thursday & Friday, so even though I’m seriously underwhelmed by his latest album, I’m planning on going to Southpaw this week…and then waiting another six months until somebody else I’ve heard of plays there before making it back.

In this current economic climate, I’m doing my own damn cleaning, but if Obama’s magic pixie dust kicks in, this block’s cleaners—Economy Cleaners—will be there to do my cleaning for me & further encourage my laziness.

There’s another EMPTY STOREFRONT between Economy Cleaners and the last business/second trattoria on the block—Trattoria Mangia. In my opinion, there’s only room for one average trattoria per block, so I propose that the two trattorias battle for the right to exist, preferably via a knife fight out in the middle of 5th Ave…least-stabbed gets to stay, most-stabbed bleeds to death in the middle of the street.

Left-hand side:
Luis TV Repair, 146 5th Ave, 718-622-9264
Brooklyn Frame Works, 142 5th Ave, 718-399-6613
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 142 5th Ave
New China Tung, 140 5th Ave, 718-638-5682
E Lingerie, 140 5th Ave, 718-399-3252
Voodoo Lounge, 138 5th Ave, 718-399-3206
Key Food Parking Lot

Right-hand side:
BUILDING UNDER CONSTRUCTION, 137 5th Ave
Arias Unisex Hair Styling, 135 5th Ave, 718-783-8354
Trattoria Mulino, 133 5th Ave, 718-398-9001
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 131 5th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 129 5th Ave
Plaza Capital Funding, 127 5th Ave, 718-431-1200
Southpaw, 125 5th Ave, 718-230-0236
Economy Cleaners, 123 5th Ave, 718-789-2163
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 121 5th Ave
Trattoria Mangia, 119 5th Ave, 718-636-5259

Scoring
Bonuses – Drifter-Accident Assistance, An Inspirational Chinese Joint, One Music Venue, One Lingerie Dispenser
Shames – Four (Possibly Five) Empty Storefronts, One Outdated Business, One Too Many Trattorias

Union St from 6th Ave to 7th Ave:
The lower portion of this block begins with a stretch of APARTMENT BUILDINGS before we even get to our first business on the left—Park Slope Oral & Maxillofacial Surgery Assoc. If you have some serious messed up medical shit going on with your facial region, they can probably help. I really, really, really hope that I never ever have to go here. Ever.

After another stretch of APARTMENT BUILDINGS, we come to Bussaco, a hip-looking place serving up New American dishes. I haven’t eaten here yet, but their current menu sounds amazingly delish—Asparagus Bisque! Arctic Char! Cavatelli! I don’t even know what those last two are! Mofos even have a pickle plate on the menu. Anyway, their website is totally formatted for an iPhone, so you should go there, even if the food sucks. All hail iPhone.

Since it’s just a friggin’ laundromat, the place next door—L&B Laundromat—only gets a minute of my time. In that minute, I’ve come up with the following theories on what the initials “L&B” stand for—“Lost & Burnt,” “Lewd & Blitzed,“ “Linty & Brittle,” “Liquor & Beer,” “Lascivious & Bipolar,” “Lions & Babies.” Soak it all in. That’s what a minute gets you in my world of comedy.

This block contains an actual Hindu goddess in its next establishment— Devi. It’s a yoga studio run by the same people as Park Slope Yoga Center, which is conveniently located right across the street. This means that when some creepy, middle-aged, sensitive-but-sweaty dude starts trying to become your buddy at class, you can just stop going there one day & start going across the street. He’ll probably freak out & he’s probably stalking you, so he’ll find you anyhow, but it’ll be nice to get some peace for a few days.

Oh Tea Lounge. On one hand, you conjure up visions of baby carriages & bad sax solos. On the other hand, you’re not Starbucks. On one hand, you have a subtle air of Park Slope snobbery. On the other, you have all those tasty teas & foods. Stop dragging my heart around, Tea Lounge.

There’s a Parking Garage next to Tea Lounge, followed by NuNu Gallery, who represents a number of local artists across a range of arts. They also do custom framing, so if Brooklyn Frame Works can’t pin your uniquely unfortunate “triple homicide” on someone else before the cops discover the truth, NuNu may be worth a shot. (ed note: not sure if its because its closing or what, but NuNu is having a HUGE, gigantaur sale right now. I almost considered actually buying something, and considering that their last estimate for a framing job for us came in at $2,700--yep for ONE item--that's sayin a lot).

Unless you’re the type of person who prefers to sport a set of tacky ass nails, you could probably benefit from Classy Nails, the block’s representative salon. They’ll even wax your wobbly bits if that’s what you’re in the market for.

If you’ve got one of those hip, fancy, tiny breedlings who can talk, they’ll probably ask you to take them to the next business—Sprout Kidz. From what I’ve seen, they have pretty cool breedling wear here…you just need to be willing to pay a little extra, but since nothing’s too good for your breedling, you won’t mind doing so.

Contrary to popular belief, Fiber Notion, the store that closes out this side of the block, is not a place to go when you have an inkling that there’s a bowel movement a-brewing. It’s a place to get fabric & buttons & whatnot.

Just like on the left-hand side, the right-hand side of the block begins with a row of APARTMENT BUILDINGS that reaches about half way up the block, until you get to the insanity that’s known as the Park Slope Food Co-op. I really want to become a part of a food co-op & introduce more non-manufactured foods into my diet, but I’m all set with the asshattery that accompanies working a shift there.

If things get a little too heated at the Co-op, there’s Fire Station Squad Co #1 right next door. My father’s father was a fire chief for a few years up in one of Boston’s suburbs & from what he’s told me in stories (and what I’ve gleaned from Rescue Me), these dudes have most likely seen some crazy shit, so bring them a sno-cone or a pack of smokes some time this summer to let them know you care.

…and if you’re frisky enough & into firefighters, you should try to parlay that sno-cone into an Italian dinner next door at Scottadito Osteria Toscana. It’s fairly good Tuscan cuisine & easily affordable enough for your new, underpaid firefighter boyfriend’s salary.

Upstairs from Scottadito is Ellie Herman Studios, a Pilates studio with a sister location out in Oakland, meaning they’re totally bi-coastal! If that’s not cool enough for you, get this…Ellie Herman was briefly a professional wrestler, so if you’re not motivated enough, she’ll smash your head into the turnbuckles or something.

If you’ve thrown your back out whilst messing around on a Wunda chair or after being hit with a folding chair and/or foreign object, you can head right next door to the Family Chiropractic Care and get that shit straightened out. Hell, it’s close enough that somebody could probably carry you over.

Next to the chiropractors’, there’s a bright yellow mural [PICTURED ABOVE], which is outside of Dixon’s Bike Shop. I’ve heard & read some really bad things about this place, which is unfortunate because even though I’m not a biker, I’d like to support local bike shops…not when there’s a good chance that they’ll be completely unconcerned about your existence though.

There’s another yoga center after the bike shop—Park Slope Yoga Center. See Devi re: Smelly Sensitive Stalker.

This is where the block hits a bit of a skid, with TWO EMPTY STOREFRONTS and the 800 Union St Garage. At the foot of the garage, there’s a Speedy Rent-A-Car. If you’re unhappy with the convenience of Zip Car or the cleanliness of all the other rental car businesses in the city, I recommend Speedy Rent-A-Car.

The next to last business on the block is a day care—Kidville Annex. They have five locations in NYC, but only one here in Brooklyn. It’s a mini-version of the other Kidvilles, but the breedlings pictured on their website appear to be having the time of their lives, so if you have one & think they could benefit from “physical activity” and “creativity,” this is the place for them. Please take note: only cute, happy breedlings need apply.

A Tasti-D-Lite closes out the right-hand side of the block. Sure it’s just one of the many Tasti-D-Lite franchises throughout the country, but the company got its start here in New York and they serve soft-serve ice cream, so they’re on our side, folks. You need to embrace that, especially now that summer’s (sort of) here.

Left-hand side:
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 799-803 Union St
Park Slope Oral & Maxillofacial Surgery Assoc., 805 Union St, 718-398-1969
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 807-831 Union St
Bussaco, 833 Union St, 718-857-8828
L&B Laundromat, 835 Union St, 718-789-9420
Devi, 837 Union St (Upstairs), 718-789-2288
Tea Lounge, 837 Union St, 718-789-2762
Parking Garage, 841 Union St, 718-622-9568
NuNu Gallery, 847A Union St, 718-623-8917
Classy Nails, 847 Union St, 718-399-3316
Sprout Kidz, 849 Union St, 718-398-2280
Fiber Notion, 849 Union St, 718-230-4148

Right-hand side:
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 756A-774 Union St
Park Slope Food Co-op, 782 Union St, 718-622-0560
Fire Station Squad Co #1, 788 Union St
Scottadito Osteria Toscana, 788A Union St (Downstairs), 718-636-4800
Ellie Herman Studios, 788A Union St (Upstairs), 718-230-3707
Family Chiropractic Care, 790 Union St, 718-230-4842
Dixon’s Bike Shop, 792 Union St, 718-636-0067
Park Slope Yoga Center, 792 Union St, 718-789-2288
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 796 Union St
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 798 Union St
800 Union St Garage, 800 Union St, 718-622-2351
Speedy Rent-A-Car, 800 Union St, 718-783-0800
Kidville Annex, 808 Union St, 718-569-2150
Tasti-D-Lite, 808A Union St, 718-623-7469

Scoring
Bonuses – One iPhone Friendly Restaurant, Backup Drifter-Accident Assistance, One Hindu Goddess, A Choice of Yoga Centers, One Firehouse, Tea Lounge
Shames – Two Empty Storefronts, One Frightening Co-op, One Lousy Bike Shop, Tea Lounge

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
UNION ST FROM 6TH AVE TO 7TH AVE

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.